Between Sensing and Syncing

“We are spirits with human experience, not humans with spiritual experience!” a sentence that I came across more couple of times from 2 different sources, and having a more deep look at my analysis of what’s happening around us, people’s raised awareness of certain concerns regarding their livings.. as if they suddenly awaken from the slavery, and decided to go again and live consciously.. am I the only one seeing that people are in constant opposition of everything nowadays?! war, hunger and famine, dirty politics, food, defining freedom, oppression.. as if it’s an awakening wave humans are going through.. is it all coincidence?! I don’t believe in coincidences.. life is an organized chaos, we perceive our  roads crossing with people, and things happening in our daily lives as coincidence.. it’s a normal analysis since we as humans, we call what happens without using our forces, or our intentions as such

I do believe that life is magnificent in so many ways, and that it continuously tries to send you daily messages and give you signs to tell you where to go and what to do, or what we call nowadays guts, hunch, inner compass.. but because our circles of influence has dramatically increased and our comfort zone has expanded and assisted with a lot of conventional inventions (mobiles, internet, appliances, tv, social activities, etc) that we ended up being sucked with life, and not having time to listen to what the universe is trying to send us.. sometimes we even recognize such messages, but we choose to ignore, because we are too tied to our realm, earth and so attached to the idea that we are really humans.. we have become so humans that we merely remember that we are spirits, that will fly back to it’s creator at some day, and will leave the body or the vessel that held it for quite a while. Really, did we become that ignoring even to our spiritual part, that god has privileged us over animals, and gave us a mind to meditate, think and recognize that you are so powerful, but you were just too lazy to use your mind, and the fact that you preferred to have someone think, plan, and run your life for you.. comes under many names, but mainly fed by communities behavior, norms, customs and traditions that totally ignored your self, oneness and uniqueness above any other spirit on earth, and draw you things to follow along your life, leaving you a minimal alteration that you can do on your lives, just to give you the fake feeling of being free, and do what you feel like doing.. yeah, you are absolutely right if that’s what you think, I think you are just another slave amid many others!!

Our communities wherever we were raised and pretty much everywhere else, there’s an education that you have to take till a certain level, work, earn, save, marry, and be successful in everything that you do.. avoid going against the norm, be a singer, skipping your education at a level and start working, or not to marry and have kids.. and much more of constraints, they may vary for sure from community to another, but in principle they all have plans for you.. westerners have gone way too far from such plans, and it was not that fun and people became so deviated.. easterners varied in the way they defined such plans for their people, and haven’t face much of success either.. and the results, causalities at both sides resulting non-uniform generations with extremes, and amid those people who rebelled their communities norms, and refused to be another stereotype, and chose to find another place to live other than their home country.. i am one of those who flee away..

Never been a big concern for me to be honest, I have always considered myself unique, and vowed to myself to understand my community, however, this will not stop me from pursuing to choose the way I want to live, it’s like I am redefining my values, my perception about self, others, everything around me, and how they all should go together.. this has dramatically changed the way people perceive me, as I’m mostly perceived as different from the crowd, but nice.. well, I like it too this way, nothing is more relieving than being yourself.. which i am mastering very well..

Developing my own customs and traditions, that makes sense to my life, gave me a big space of shaping the details, tuning and continuously altering my way of living my life, all for the sake of better understanding of the purpose of why I am here for. It has made me very flexible in listening to different point of views, and changed my life to the extremes.. it’s a continuous learning process of life.. when you open up your horizon and go beyond the conventional understanding of life, life continuously gives you clues and cues  to make a more living life.. but you have to train yourself to be conscious, meaning to free yourself from daily life obligation.. trust more your intuition, meditate, connect more spiritually with nature.. listen more than you talk, there are hundreds of daily messages that god sends to us, but for only those who wants to listen..

Yes, I believe that we all have soul mates, and for some reason we have that other partner whom we may have had life and previously connect with on our previous life , souls are infinite spirits and the body is just a container of that body, that incarnates the soul and gives it a shape and place as earth to live and try to spiritually grow.. that we rarely come back to, and forget to believe what we were originally made of, as life on earth gets more tempting and seducing to those living it to the fullest.. we are so greed that we want to get everything out of it, our greed for happiness, we just follow the rest of followers blindly, and much worse, we refuse to listen to our higher souls telling us about the real sources of happiness, cause we became so materialistic believing in nothing but facts and what earth feeds us from soar facets of our lives.. then we wonder and ask Allah, what’s wrong with me, why I am not happy though I have everything that makes me happy, yet I am not.. and I would always say, if your questions are not answered, maybe you need to change the question!!

Since my return from the US trip, and after that sudden dip in the mood, and by the middle of the week when I reached the top of my depression, I talked with my soul-mate, or djetkaa as I always like to refer to her, and I let out all the things I had inside, yeah it was not that nice, but somehow I felt like she was on the same boat, been going through the same the same week, and probably at the same time.. these intermittent stomach aches I had, all seem to be caused by her, in the sense that when she’s not ok, I don’t feel ok.. I also recall the few times I called her over the phone, and somehow I felt how she received the call, not necessarily the mood, but I get to feel that what’s the hell is that strong inner voice that gives me that order to do something at a certain time, it’s like an urging call.. could she have wished me to call her, or wanted me to do something and I received and did it accordingly?! I believe that it’s possible that you wish for something to happen, and ask the universe to make it happen, and like all the spirits have been enslaved by you to assist you on reaching your goal.. she might not be aware that telepathy and visualizing can make your dreams come true, your wishes becomes orders and demands, only depends on how cooperative and a good person you are to let the universe works for you.. i believe that she’s a kind hearted inside, but she does not know yet about such crazy theories that I have in my head.. maybe this is why when we were just fine at the beginning, I had that strange energy within me, as if she sent me all the positive energy to me, and I did the same to her, cause we were both spiritually positive and active at these part of our relation.. i also remember when I predicted that this travel to Turkey is not going to happen, even before her attitude started to change to push me off, I still remember how many of people I call over the phone, they would tell me, hey, you crossed my mind today and I was about to call you!!

This is why my mood seems to be swinging based on her mood, I get to read her easily like an open book, I get the mood, what she’s going through, and even worse.. which she’s trying not to say or avoiding to say.. I have always wanted to tell her that I get you inside out, and that no need to fight it, just relax and follow your guts.. it’s way much easier than fighting.. I tend to tell her still my weakness, what I am going through and she’s still hiding.. i’m sure that a previous experience still have it’s dark shades over her life, telling her not to disclose too much.. maybe all what she knew about me was my name, and nothing more!

So we do have the abilities to receive messages, but we need to listen and follow our guts, and we may connect with our soul mates and syncing their moods, even without speaking and being thousands miles apart, we can tell the universe about what we want, more over ask the universe on assisting us to reach our goal, manifest everything around us for help.. let’s see what the following days will bring out of Sensing and Syncing.. if it’s not ok, then it’s not the end!

Till next time..

Circles of Influence

So, more days are going with the same unusual state of mind.. started with some pain which I managed to speak it up with djetkaa before exploding, but days seems to be bringing more consistency with it, more clarity and persistence on bad habits I gave up.. they have always said, there will come a person who will sweep you off your feet, and put meaning to all what you have been doing, that one who will make you very determined on every other aspect of your life without even telling you what you should be doing.. how weird an influence of a person can be, without even being there physically or even watching.. 

Why when we keep wishing for something to happen, and when it does, we panic and get a cold feet and start retreating, cause we never thought it would come? or cause we never wanted to be that fast? or we were not prepared to accept it? or don’t think we are good enough to have what we wished for? I came across this feelings before first when I moved here, and had more ability to buy things and stuff.. I never had financial problems back in Egypt, and I was able to save, and spend wisely and enjoy travelling on my own, but to be honest I panicked when I first found myself alone with way higher ability to buy!! thank god I didn’t take much time to alert myself that I should be still acting the same as I am used to, same type car, same spend limits, get what suits me and what I need more than what I am able to buy.. which is hamdolelah relieved me a lot when I know that I am just about right, nothing is better than being in the middle..

Yeah, fear is what haunts us and gives us that feeling that what we’ve just earned is fishy and dodgy, and that it’s going to be taken away from us, we start acting weird about god extra givings, I imagine like a dog who found instead of a bone, a plate full of fresh meat.. then he starts sniffing and roaming around the plate thinking and telling to himself “bees will come and sting me” “the owner will beat me, and think I stole it”, “not tasty meat”, “not even meat” “i am not going to like it”.. yeah, sometimes we are like that, we lose faith in ourselves that we forget that we might be blessed cause we have just earned it when we wanted it the most, sometimes you are not able even to believe it.. fear is what keeps us away from enjoying our lives, we stick to the line, to the norm and traditions and customs, cause we don’t want to fail.. it took me a while to get myself to do what I feel like doing, and I always get amazing results.. cause I go behind my fears, tackle them and see the opportunities and the sun behind it.. last time I faced my fears when I dived and went down for the first time.. wow, that was an amazing feeling, noting that I always felt it’s creepy to snorkel above the coral reef in Sharm El Sheikh.. 

Fear can be your enemy to beat, or could be your friend to walk your life with.. he’s not my friend anymore, but I like to keep him as my rivals, I just love the push of adrenaline he gives me when he provokes to do my best.. 

I see life is an infinite circles intersecting and tangible at more than an angle, and that humans are entangled within these circles, I call it circles of influence, each circles has a leader and compromises traits and features, their followers are blind, and the leaders are leading these circles and controlling the followers, enslaving them to the extent that they have the influence to change and fully control their lives.. and it’s all tied with your inferior complex of fear.. for instance circles of technology, here you are tied to either an iPhone, or Blackberry, followers are the users and leaders are the company owners, when they go and change anything they force the helpless followers to buy, and upgrade their phones.. you think you are free, but you have lost your freewill to choose something different, and if you did, you are more prone to only change the circle, and the leader, but you are still enslaved and entangled.. aren’t you? Can’t deny that I am one of them, but first cause I have djetkaa on my list that I cannot accept losing her, second I have a lot of memories with her on that phone, I am attached because of the person, but not as much as i am attached to the phone.. 

It’s ok to be entangled, and enslaved to some circles, some of them we really need it, but I still have so many other circles where I get to choose which and what to get myself associated with.. I gave up influence of television and movies, I gave up mostly the influence of new music, I rarely listen to conventional music, I am still stuck with my music I have been collecting since school, I entangled myself within circle of working out and cycling, freed myself from smoking – I wish for good, and also freed myself from community obligations, customs and traditions.. 

I chose to learn about customs and traditions, but will follow only what makes sense to me, if not then sorry.. this is why I am mostly perceived as the black sheep of the family, sometimes even from friends.. but who cares, I get to do what I want, when I want, the way I want, and I am really perfect at being myself.. cause no one can do it better than me, some people always go around the good I do to them, thinking it’s a bait, and that I am waiting for something in return, or i am setting them up.. poor you, I am good cause what comes around goes around, I do it cause I need good in the future, I send good luck to myself in the future, yeah this is how Allah taught me.. your life is a mirror of your actions, if you are good then your life will be good, if you are bad you will be screwed! As simple as that, this is why I found that easiest and shortest way to live a happy life is to be good, fair and reasonable.. for sure as much as I can, I won’t say I am an angel without flaws, but at least I am trying to keep the balance..

Circles of influence gets you to follow and be as obeying as possible, and it makes you miss a lot of what’s going on in your life, your freedom has been taken away, you are following and became a blind follower, things you do became a habit, and whatever you do within this circle you do it without conscious, cause it’s a habit.. too many circles you are attached to, too many habits, much longer time living unconsciously. meaning living like a dead fish going with the flow, less experience cause you became a mainstream, and another stereotype of your community, meaning being more tied up to these circles, more fear and resistance to change, challenge and try the unusual, resulting more boredom..

Even circles of interest is a closed look of boredom you are entangled within, and helplessly keep trying and questioning yourself why I am bored and can’t feel life, and I feel more like a dead body, and no matter what I do nothing makes me happy or change my mood.. and you wonder how a walk or doing something new for the first time gives you that push of adrenaline, and you tell yourself that you should be doing more of that.. it’s simply because you simply got yourself out of one these circles of influence, freed yourself, did something consciously, and started tasting more of your life.. I wouldn’t say that you should live an awkward life, but you should do more of what I call conscious living more than unconscious living..

These days the more I try to get myself to work and do different things in an attempt to get over my mood swings, I always get djetkaa at the top of my head, as if she’s always my top priority of all my other priorities.. even songs I play seems to be talking to me all the time, bringing on the longing to her back on the surface, part of it strums my pain of missing her, part of it makes me giggle the way she used to giggle and shrug her shoulder, with raised eyebrows non-verbally telling me “I don’t know.. what to tell you” which actually shows and tells more than it hides.. I wonder why after 5 months is it still hard to get part this.. part of the cold conversations she gives me sometimes, but I still don’t care.. cause I always believed that on relations, there’s nothing called I give so that she has to give back.. not on my watch.. after gaining my trust, I am just being myself, I take you at your worst, cause I definitely deserve you at your best, well, she still have given me her best already on our shiny days when we started all this.. i still remember, use from the reserve and smile :)) 

Yeah, taking the hard decisions of my life have been made easy because of her, I can not deny that she balances my life a lot, and I have been missing that kind of balance, I didn’t know I could even reach such balance in my life.. but I definitely still need her in my life, no clue how can that be done, but I always hope it’s just bad days and that the good is yet to come, I always trust what Allah will give me, but I still wish the good to come with her, not without!

Till next time.. 

Virgin state of mind..

It’s really unusual to me to be in this contradicting state of mind, things seemed to be hard to fight in the past as smoking, easily saying no to people I like and avoid going out with them.. I don’t know what exactly happened after my return from last visit.. though it was quite and nothing much happened, and that most of the time I enjoyed it on my own, yet it appeared more to be like pain killer.. it made me momentarily forget about the pain, and enjoy a bit of my life, which turned out to be illusion!

I am still aching at my stomach, along without proper eating for the 10 day in row, smoking is not on my list, working out and daily gym is there and the sense of commitment is there.. even the cycling I did yesterday for 120 KM.. the side of the dietary I like is that i quit the bad habits, put myself off from friends who seem to be more of a plague that a benefit.. i am quite, happy sometimes, strong will, but without direction..

I still feel the direction of commitment towards my recent relation, don’t why do I feel this way, I am sort of enjoying the pain accompanied with it.. maybe cause it shows me how strong I can be, dedicated and devoted.. it gives me a new insight on my capabilities, and gives me the feeling that i can left heavy weights with one hand.. it’s good that I write, or my head would have exploded, but still I don’t recall coming across such state of mind before.. side to that the insomnia and being partly numb.. wow!

Despite all that, i am happy about things I am able to finally overcome and easily resist from unnecessary friends to bad habits, a girl who have this influence and impact on me, must really be saluted, as she turned the powerful side of me.. no one is still able to enter my closed bubble but her, unfortunately no one yet has been neither given the keys nor the password.. i just can’t help it!!

It’s also funny and freaks me out the clear signs I get along the way and the day, when I try to approach or do something I should be stopping.. it’s the obvious what God is trying to tell me like “don’t try this” “no no, you are not doing this again”, “don’t even try it, you are not going to enjoy it” wow, i always knew that God loves me, but never seen such clear signs and determination to get back on the right track like promptly.. well, it’s clear that I was missing listening a bit more than usual, our lives are really distorted and full of toxic that blocks our ears and eyes from realizing or seeing the signs, this is why we are given the 5 times prayers a day “which I wish I do with more focus” it’s more of meditation time, you establish this spiritual connection to renew our energy and get to clear the distortions of life.. the same happens when you go in the desert, and stare at the skies.. or even by the beach and start thinking.. you go and meditate and try to listen to the universe, to get some answers to your questions.. this is why cycling have been one of the most enjoyable activities to myself lately.. this is what most of the meditation ways tells us to do, from Reiki to Yoga which all teaches you how to establish this spiritual connection easily.. they all include silent environment, deep breathing and maybe quite music in the background.. accompanied by intentions to bring the peace and serenity from inside to outside.. working on your aura and controlling the flow of energy.. yeah, I am crazy a bit today!

Part of what I have learned from this relation, not to consult anyone on what I should be doing cause my friend almost screwed me with his advise, note to self is that yeah friends try to help, but they are not you and they will react based on their experiences and their personality, which does not necessarily conform with your guts.. cause when I do what I feel like doing, I do not face any efforts resisting what I want, and it’s simply like being myself.. and i am still not that strong to lose this relation yet, screw people’s opinion! i know what i am doing..

It’s not bad to work out and stay back at home till next day, it adds more strength to my fable virgin state of mind.. i went out all my life, always ate and smoked and pleased people.. for a change, why can’t i just be on my own and only one who can access me.. i like the exclusiveness i have not notably given, as tells that I am mature enough to be loyal even when she’s not watching or does not even care or mind.. I wish it would be a good training to whatever comes in the future..  it’s good to have a controllable good mood on my own, i will just drop my stomach ache for now

Till next time..

Everything changes but you!

Couple of days ago, really had a nice chat with djetkaa.. this relation that seems to be taking longer than expected, she never failed me as usual and still supports me when needed, she listened to me in full, one of many things I like about her.. and she sincerely tried to make it up and express her sorrow for seeing me in all this pain, when I was trying more to tell her that I feel the pain for you, I’m fine with myself or at least I am trying to be, but I  don’t like to see her in this situation being submissive and waiting to forcibly adapt herself to the new relation.. why would someone on earth give up his chances to support and be in line with the family, with all my respect yeah family is meant to be respected, so is myself expected to be respected back.. it’s life, we give and take and it’s two way in everything.. not sure though how her family could just invalidate her feelings to that extent. I have no doubts on the intentions of her family, but I am not fine with they compromised her choices for their own well, this is totally unfair

As usual I spoke myself, never been ashamed to express how I am still attached to her, and that I do trust that she will not make use of my weakness, cause she’s just so kind.. I have also tried to waive her from the burden or the guilt she may have felt for putting me into this situation, and I really wanted to assure her that I have nothing against her, neither hate or dislike her, never been.. never will.. cause simply I knew her better than she can imagine, and that I am totally convinced that whatever decision she took, it was out of caring and based on her experience, and to avoid further hurt.. yeah, I am that kind of person, I had to learn to forgive to forget.. if Allah himself forgives us whenever we truly submit ourselves and truthfully regret whatever we did.. I hate to see her in pain, and as I have always promised myself to her, to give her my best.. cause simply she deserves it, but maybe she just underestimated herself

I have just tried to get some energy refill from her, she still does not open up so much, and despite how I hate avoidance and short answers, but I am aware of what she’s trying to tell me or to get me used to.. “I don’t care anymore about you did!” ouch.. easy on me girl, I have never let you down, rejected or neglected you when you told me that you still need me, and I told you the same.. djetkaa, some pieces of the puzzle you are not getting, on true relations and feelings, there’s nothing called pride.. when people give in their hearts and trust each other to speak openly about their weakness, it’s not about giving the other one hard time cause simply I knew his buttons.. you may lack some experience here, and I know that you are trying to do your best to get me out of this relation peacefully.. and I do appreciate that, but easy on me.. I am not ready yet to get myself off easily as I told you, please help me to get out peacefully, as you are helping yourself before helping me.. the more I can get myself out, the more you will be able to get out

Yeah, I have waived her and forgot about what happened and don’t have any hard feelings towards her, as I first told her on the second day of telling me that this won’t work, that I have many good memories on reserve, that can never make me bear any grudges, I wish she can listen to that and believe that what I said is true, and that I truly meant it.. and yes, I am that kind of guy who will not push you on your nerve to tell me about what happened, cause I know that you hate confrontations, and being unfair to people.. I guess you didn’t give me enough chance to explain to you how I get you inside out

Djetkaa, I wish I had a chance to explain to you how I cared for this relation from day one, how I cared to know your likes and dislikes that you don’t even tell, I have been studying you, it was not an ordinary relation or casual one as you may have thought, my intuitions told me that she’s the one who deserves all the efforts to be done for, all what I wanted you to do, is to start it easily and give me the time to take one step after another.. I wanted to take you one step after another, but somehow I was trying to level your speed, made me freak out at the beginning of how things were going fast, not because I didn’t want to happen, but because what starts fast ends faster than you can imagine.. cause it didn’t leave marks and stings.. somehow I was pushed to reveal my plan in a week or so, you pushing me to say what’s my plan has pushed everything to an ultimatum end.. yeah, cause you knew everything in my head and left no place for speculations.. the relation became cold after a while, like what’s going to happen next.. you just got bored of the flow, love is life.. and if you got to know what’s going to happen tomorrow along your life.. you’d have probably wanted to end your life right away.. so what’s new

I claim that the decision you have reached was mix of different factors, not sure though if this is true or not, but I yield to this explanation to be the truest based on what I knew about you..

Your family definitely had the bigger part of the influence of how the decision was made, the differences you had in your mind and the obstacles you thought would be there, piled up altogether and made you decide to judge this relation as hard one.. culture differences and how things will be built up together, and objections from both ends, plus you don’t know me yet that well.. I bet you had this questions on your mind, this middle eastern background could be a bit fulfilled with manhood though he may like me to be veiled unlike what he said, he can’t be so nice all the time, there got to be bad side.. not sure if he’s going to allow me to travel to my family frequently or not, or my education.. how I dress, working, plus the family differences.. I may end up living in Egypt, which does not seem to be a nice place, specially on these days, when they have an unclear future.. maybe love will not be there after he gets me, maybe he will change after marriage, it’s a road full of challenges.. which lead you to take the easy way of getting married to someone local, that you know, who will clear all these doubts, you don’t have to love him at the beginning, but maybe after a while you will like him.. your character likes balance and hates imbalances and tries to avoid problems, hard feelings or hard ways at any cost.. this is you, which made it somehow and challenge for me, to tackle with you every point at a time

I guess some of the above reasons may have crossed your mind, and it’s normal to feel anxious, to worry and to think about it.. it’s a life decision after all, and sometimes you need to ensure everything.. I really have no objection and truly understand if you came across some of this ideas, it’s a normal way of thinking.. and yes, love is not everything, but it’s what makes everything else possible

Let me explain my point of view on what I may have planned for you, to accommodate your requests and to clear most of the thoughts you may have come across

First, when I got to choose you and decided to take my chances with you.. normally anyone, would go through the his priorities.. my highest priorities were mainly the spark, the attraction that usually happens at the first 5 minutes of new people meeting, then followed by your life directions (in terms of, how do you perceive life, your purpose, what you want to do) religion was fine to be (preferably Muslim, didn’t mind if you were Shiite or Sunni, cause I know that Azerbaijan have 85% Shiite, also I would have never cared if you were Christian or Jew) cause simply I believe in people’s perception for life, religion is not my thing, I just wanted to make sure that you are on the same direction with me.. and above all, my main priority side to the previous ones, was relativity in the sense of how relative we are to each other.. differences that completes each other, I didn’t expect you to be the same direction as mine, cause that would have resulted a boring couple of we ended up matching on the majority of the traits.. you are quite, i am a bit loud.. you might be a little bit slower than me.. i’m on fire on taking actions.. you were somehow a perfect half to complete me.. simply coming from the same perception on any religion, or whatever faith of the 3, waives partners from disagreements on many aspects.. religion is for god, life is for humans..  

Your directions in life had it’s say, you are nice, kind, cheerful, open, charming, optimistic, love balance, artistic, sensitive, fair, romantic, and you want to be happy and work on your life for the best always with a tough of an amazing femininity.. I don’t need anything further than a partner with this features.. what may come afterwards for me, will be a little bit of compromises at both sides, this is life.. I had no expectation to totally change yourself for me, neither do for myself.. I always believed in working on the relation together.. cause this is what life is all about

I guess that my plans were to a great extend in line with yours, you wanted to live abroad and I am already living abroad.. though Qatar is not my best option, but there was an opportunity at the first couple of years of attachment, to be here for a while.. there are a lot of benefits of being here at the beginning, first I know you have never lived away from your family, being 3 hours flight makes it easy for you to go back on short breaks as frequent as you want.. a lot of international universities here are available to compete your studies and have your MBA.. Qatar is unlike what you may think about middle east, would suit what you would normally dress back home, sleeveless  or short sleeves, shorts or small skirts.. which I also don’t mind if it may ever crossed your mind that I might be a typical middle eastern mindset..

Side to being 1 hours away from Dubai, still opportunities to relocate, travel on weekends for sun and fun.. beside both of us love travelling, I had plans to go to too many places together.. maybe later moving to US, or EU if I had a good job.. I had high hopes to travel around together.. 

I am not sure though if they were all your concerns, or if you had further ones.. all I had on my mind is to make you happy, to be happy in return.. life is not about outing only, or having good times, not expected to be always like this.. but again, if two care for each other, they will strive to make it work, and I thought we had it going.. you never gave me a chance to explore together the options or tackle your concerns if any.. and you know what, we all hide behind our fears, we eat because we fear hunger, we drink because we fear thirst.. we avoid going against our communities norms, customs and traditions, cause we fear failure.. but I don’t think fear from what we don’t know, or unknown never let us live our lives.. cause it becomes an attitude, always stay safe, follow the norm, become a mainstream, and have a boring life.. I don’t think Allah has created humans to be a mainstream, sorry but animals are mainstream.. they eat, mate, communicate and live in trends and norms, because they don’t have brain to think.. when mankind tried to train them in Circus, not all of them have survived.. some of them have attacked their coach and ate them, some of them went crazy killing others and then suicide.. it’s because it’s against their nature.. they don’t have minds to think, they were trained but never understood..

Unlike humans, they vary from country to country.. countries themselves varies over decades, my ancestors had different mindsets.. they had different customs and traditions.. that if I went back in time and live at their times, I would have been off the wagon and a weirdo.. but this is humans, they are constantly evolving.. and changing their customs and traditions almost every decade.. Allah has privileged us with brains, and lit us the road.. gave us some instructions, and plant your soul from his, we might seem different in color and language.. but we have more in common than you may think, we have one creator, and what he plant inside us is the same as in everyone (love life, be peaceful, don’t be greedy, don’t over do, acknowledge god grace, share with with needy, be moderate, follow simple rules and pray.. etc) we just have developed different interpretations on how to do it, but the what has been always the same.. hasn’t it?!

I still believe you have been unfair to yourself for not giving a chance to try, and I guess you previous relations were really hurtful to you enough, that led you to being so closed on your own, and avoid speaking up yourself.. I am not saying you you should let out everything to everyone.. but apply some logic on relations, new relations develop trust on the move, open up a bit by bit, as it allows others to see what they are not necessarily seeing.. we exert a daily effort on every day of our lives communicating with others, just to make them see from our perspective.. you are not doing this part as frequent as you should, at least I expected you to open up with me and speak up yourself, when I promised that I will never hurt you, or take anything you say against you.. I think I never did, never will.. 

Behind every problem, an opportunity.. don’t close up the door and always try new things.. and it’s true that if you want to be successful, double your failure rate djetkaa

Till next time..

Distortion..

Yeah, as odd as it sounds.. my second day at work and was in a fuzzy and distorted state of mind, which I can’t put any correspondent words to describe it..

On one hand I know exactly what I should be doing, and listing everything, but just do not feel like doing anything but regular work that does not need any kind of focus. and I feel more like I want to be left alone, and not talking.. lost my appetite for the second day, though I still have enough energy to work out and go to the gym..

Had the gym, and forgot where I parked the car, after 30 minutes of search i found it, made a couple of phone calls to friends, a lot of sarcastic and satire during the call, a lot of loud laughs but don’t really mean it, just trying to ignore my distorted state of mind..

As usual, I enjoy more of doing what I feel like doing at the time I feel like doing, I just have this controlling feeling nowadays that I should be doing what I want, to release the feeling that someone is following me and pushing me to do it, it’s like me saying to this hidden super conscious.. “hey, I got your message and did what you signed me to do, leave me alone and let me have some peace of mind” but no, nothing is happening

Yeah, I am still obsessed with the  feeling that I don’t own myself anymore, just feel like pushing myself more towards more control, part of it is good, which is quitting smoking again, after I got back smoking like a maniac, even more workout does not seem to be an  an option any longer.. I hope, and feel like no appetite for music and getting back to my home and stay quite and listen, to what.. I don’t know, I just feel like listening more and waiting

I feel like partly I have some good control on dos and don’s, and more pull from socializing, more push towards isolation and meditation, not sure if this is a sign of me getting weird or crazy. not sure though, which is which, juts more writing

And really some high power is stopping me from approaching any opposite sex, I just can’t and when I do I feel awkward and like I don’t want to do this at all. I just want to be left alone, leave me alone. believe me, I don’t have my keys to open up.. I’m just not the way I’m used to be.. I also feel more like travelling, where I am staying feels like no home anymore, feels like everything will be changed soon, not sure when it will happen. but I lost my connection to this place, I feel it coming.. almost seeing it coming! or maybe it’s just my jet lag..

I became more meditative, it’s true that that the we need to listen more than we talk, this is why we have been given two ears and one mouth.. but hey, either my reception for whatever is happening has enhanced so much, or my frequency is finally perfectly picking up the signs, or I became so alerted to everything happening through me..

Yesterday I skipped a fine for mobile talking while driving, and got a radar ticket one hour later when I forgot where the radar was.. when I was on my way to an errand I didn’t feel much like doing, but just to satisfy a friend whom I knew earlier.. yeah, I feel like staying away.. please you, stay away from me, I’m not in a good mood for whatever right now.. and yes, I skipped this errand today, and probably will just keep it group meeting.. none is the better.. believe me, I don’t own myself anymore

The signs are everywhere, and my mood is just crappy, and a lot of songs that comes and touches me, like telling me a message. everyday i come across a twitter quote, a song, an article, an insight all telling me distorted messages, not sure anymore whats right and what’s wrong.. and it’s true that we all get signs, but we don’t all read them, as we are mostly being distorted, and busy ignoring our guts or sub-conscious.. listen to music, talk to friends, watch television.. think you are happy, act like you are happy, pretend that you are happy and fuck your feeling and your guts

I can confirm that fuck the logic and human calculations, I am a man with a guts, and I am trying to be happy.. and wish not to go nuts.. Enough said for today, my mind is so fucked up and I want to sleep till.. I just don’t know..

Till next time

The more you resist.. it persists..

Just got back from USA trip.. been dreaming all my life to do it, just to see what all the popularity is all about.. want to share all what I have been through, yet no one is there or keen to listen.. I claim to be good at storytelling, but anyways.. no use of it..

Was a lovely journey as most of the journeys, didn’t enjoy cosmopolitan cities as NY, as always.. traffic, stupid high buildings and feel like I am choking as usual.. the US is a nice country, and there are nicer countries, but simply it’s overrated.. liked that they have commercialized everything, they make sense and export to the world + taxes!!

California was laid back city, coastal and nice as expected.. didn’t do much of what would most tourists do, but enjoyed more talking with different people from different nationalities, some Aussie, Kiwi, Deutch, Israeli and Americans.. had some good talks with everyone.. liked everyone despite the differences of political or religious views.. enjoyed being there, as I don’t feel alienated as in the middle east.. I just hated the taxes.. maybe that’s why..

Was a good time to read a lot too, and gain more access and insights on what life is all about, and yeah.. the more I understand it, that more I fail to put it into words.. some of the spiritual books I recently read on the conscious, unconscious and sub-conscious talked about the energy, the aura, and seven sources of energy.. and how that every little physical issue that you might be facing, could be related to some unconscious concerns, in the sense that your soar throat could be a result a blocked thoughts that needs to be said.. and that shoulders pain could be more related to burden that you are carrying!

Yeah, as crazy as it sounds.. somehow I’m buying it, and think that our physical issues are related to things that we unconsciously don’t know, deny or resist.. maybe this is why I continuously have this pain in my stomach, even without eating.. which I didn’t have almost all the time when I was travelling, but got it back once I got here to Doha..

The book was related to something similar to Yoga, just another self-healing abilities derived from Budhissm teachings, which seems to be  valid when tried to a great extent.. yeah, I have always believed that one can self-heal, but we are only missing the access or the keys to our spirit.. I always wonder as such books, cause the more I conclude, the more I come across information that acknowledge my previous assumptions, and open up more knowledge of things that makes sense to me.. yeah, we do have some control over our lives..

Back to the issue of who’s driving, us or Allah?! do we have the freedom of choice as we think we are? Yes and No, Allah have given us the liberty to go against his orders, so we would disobey him, but didn’t give us the ability to go against his well!.. summarized into, what’s meant to be will be.. time is not yours..

Yeah, on crossroads we have the options to choose where to go.. but once you choose, sometimes there’s no turning back.. and this is somehow where I am stuck.. I just feel like I don’t own myself anymore.. I always have the sense of commitment, I don’t feel myself anymore, I feel like somebody owns me, I just don’t feel me anymore.. I exaggerate on everything I do.. I laugh a lot to hide my grief.. I travel a lot trying to escape, and I just can’t mingle with others as I used to.. I am like a dog on a leash, tied in the street.. watching life goes by, but just can’t hop in anymore and live.. I’m just barking, sometimes I get the feeling that I have been unleashed.. but this is when I realize that I was just on a dream, and that I’m still there..

I am still happy about the road I chose, happy about what I said and did.. it’s better to say than regretting not to say.. though it was the hardest road ever to take.. yeah, I am free.. maybe only in my own mind.. 

I arrived today to work very happy, positive and with a lot of energy.. by afternoon, something stuck my mood and I just got back to my stomach pain, and my mood has changed again same as before.. where the hell this came from, I have no clue.. I just feel like quitting smoking again, which I already did since I traveled.. more biking and cycling on my own.. more reading and less music and definitely more silence and isolation is needed back into my life.. as far as I remember, it gave me more insights on life..

Till next time..