So, more days are going with the same unusual state of mind.. started with some pain which I managed to speak it up with djetkaa before exploding, but days seems to be bringing more consistency with it, more clarity and persistence on bad habits I gave up.. they have always said, there will come a person who will sweep you off your feet, and put meaning to all what you have been doing, that one who will make you very determined on every other aspect of your life without even telling you what you should be doing.. how weird an influence of a person can be, without even being there physically or even watching..
Why when we keep wishing for something to happen, and when it does, we panic and get a cold feet and start retreating, cause we never thought it would come? or cause we never wanted to be that fast? or we were not prepared to accept it? or don’t think we are good enough to have what we wished for? I came across this feelings before first when I moved here, and had more ability to buy things and stuff.. I never had financial problems back in Egypt, and I was able to save, and spend wisely and enjoy travelling on my own, but to be honest I panicked when I first found myself alone with way higher ability to buy!! thank god I didn’t take much time to alert myself that I should be still acting the same as I am used to, same type car, same spend limits, get what suits me and what I need more than what I am able to buy.. which is hamdolelah relieved me a lot when I know that I am just about right, nothing is better than being in the middle..
Yeah, fear is what haunts us and gives us that feeling that what we’ve just earned is fishy and dodgy, and that it’s going to be taken away from us, we start acting weird about god extra givings, I imagine like a dog who found instead of a bone, a plate full of fresh meat.. then he starts sniffing and roaming around the plate thinking and telling to himself “bees will come and sting me” “the owner will beat me, and think I stole it”, “not tasty meat”, “not even meat” “i am not going to like it”.. yeah, sometimes we are like that, we lose faith in ourselves that we forget that we might be blessed cause we have just earned it when we wanted it the most, sometimes you are not able even to believe it.. fear is what keeps us away from enjoying our lives, we stick to the line, to the norm and traditions and customs, cause we don’t want to fail.. it took me a while to get myself to do what I feel like doing, and I always get amazing results.. cause I go behind my fears, tackle them and see the opportunities and the sun behind it.. last time I faced my fears when I dived and went down for the first time.. wow, that was an amazing feeling, noting that I always felt it’s creepy to snorkel above the coral reef in Sharm El Sheikh..
Fear can be your enemy to beat, or could be your friend to walk your life with.. he’s not my friend anymore, but I like to keep him as my rivals, I just love the push of adrenaline he gives me when he provokes to do my best..
I see life is an infinite circles intersecting and tangible at more than an angle, and that humans are entangled within these circles, I call it circles of influence, each circles has a leader and compromises traits and features, their followers are blind, and the leaders are leading these circles and controlling the followers, enslaving them to the extent that they have the influence to change and fully control their lives.. and it’s all tied with your inferior complex of fear.. for instance circles of technology, here you are tied to either an iPhone, or Blackberry, followers are the users and leaders are the company owners, when they go and change anything they force the helpless followers to buy, and upgrade their phones.. you think you are free, but you have lost your freewill to choose something different, and if you did, you are more prone to only change the circle, and the leader, but you are still enslaved and entangled.. aren’t you? Can’t deny that I am one of them, but first cause I have djetkaa on my list that I cannot accept losing her, second I have a lot of memories with her on that phone, I am attached because of the person, but not as much as i am attached to the phone..
It’s ok to be entangled, and enslaved to some circles, some of them we really need it, but I still have so many other circles where I get to choose which and what to get myself associated with.. I gave up influence of television and movies, I gave up mostly the influence of new music, I rarely listen to conventional music, I am still stuck with my music I have been collecting since school, I entangled myself within circle of working out and cycling, freed myself from smoking – I wish for good, and also freed myself from community obligations, customs and traditions..
I chose to learn about customs and traditions, but will follow only what makes sense to me, if not then sorry.. this is why I am mostly perceived as the black sheep of the family, sometimes even from friends.. but who cares, I get to do what I want, when I want, the way I want, and I am really perfect at being myself.. cause no one can do it better than me, some people always go around the good I do to them, thinking it’s a bait, and that I am waiting for something in return, or i am setting them up.. poor you, I am good cause what comes around goes around, I do it cause I need good in the future, I send good luck to myself in the future, yeah this is how Allah taught me.. your life is a mirror of your actions, if you are good then your life will be good, if you are bad you will be screwed! As simple as that, this is why I found that easiest and shortest way to live a happy life is to be good, fair and reasonable.. for sure as much as I can, I won’t say I am an angel without flaws, but at least I am trying to keep the balance..
Circles of influence gets you to follow and be as obeying as possible, and it makes you miss a lot of what’s going on in your life, your freedom has been taken away, you are following and became a blind follower, things you do became a habit, and whatever you do within this circle you do it without conscious, cause it’s a habit.. too many circles you are attached to, too many habits, much longer time living unconsciously. meaning living like a dead fish going with the flow, less experience cause you became a mainstream, and another stereotype of your community, meaning being more tied up to these circles, more fear and resistance to change, challenge and try the unusual, resulting more boredom..
Even circles of interest is a closed look of boredom you are entangled within, and helplessly keep trying and questioning yourself why I am bored and can’t feel life, and I feel more like a dead body, and no matter what I do nothing makes me happy or change my mood.. and you wonder how a walk or doing something new for the first time gives you that push of adrenaline, and you tell yourself that you should be doing more of that.. it’s simply because you simply got yourself out of one these circles of influence, freed yourself, did something consciously, and started tasting more of your life.. I wouldn’t say that you should live an awkward life, but you should do more of what I call conscious living more than unconscious living..
These days the more I try to get myself to work and do different things in an attempt to get over my mood swings, I always get djetkaa at the top of my head, as if she’s always my top priority of all my other priorities.. even songs I play seems to be talking to me all the time, bringing on the longing to her back on the surface, part of it strums my pain of missing her, part of it makes me giggle the way she used to giggle and shrug her shoulder, with raised eyebrows non-verbally telling me “I don’t know.. what to tell you” which actually shows and tells more than it hides.. I wonder why after 5 months is it still hard to get part this.. part of the cold conversations she gives me sometimes, but I still don’t care.. cause I always believed that on relations, there’s nothing called I give so that she has to give back.. not on my watch.. after gaining my trust, I am just being myself, I take you at your worst, cause I definitely deserve you at your best, well, she still have given me her best already on our shiny days when we started all this.. i still remember, use from the reserve and smile :))
Yeah, taking the hard decisions of my life have been made easy because of her, I can not deny that she balances my life a lot, and I have been missing that kind of balance, I didn’t know I could even reach such balance in my life.. but I definitely still need her in my life, no clue how can that be done, but I always hope it’s just bad days and that the good is yet to come, I always trust what Allah will give me, but I still wish the good to come with her, not without!
Till next time..
avoidaccess 