Yeah, as odd as it sounds.. my second day at work and was in a fuzzy and distorted state of mind, which I can’t put any correspondent words to describe it..
On one hand I know exactly what I should be doing, and listing everything, but just do not feel like doing anything but regular work that does not need any kind of focus. and I feel more like I want to be left alone, and not talking.. lost my appetite for the second day, though I still have enough energy to work out and go to the gym..
Had the gym, and forgot where I parked the car, after 30 minutes of search i found it, made a couple of phone calls to friends, a lot of sarcastic and satire during the call, a lot of loud laughs but don’t really mean it, just trying to ignore my distorted state of mind..
As usual, I enjoy more of doing what I feel like doing at the time I feel like doing, I just have this controlling feeling nowadays that I should be doing what I want, to release the feeling that someone is following me and pushing me to do it, it’s like me saying to this hidden super conscious.. “hey, I got your message and did what you signed me to do, leave me alone and let me have some peace of mind” but no, nothing is happening
Yeah, I am still obsessed with the feeling that I don’t own myself anymore, just feel like pushing myself more towards more control, part of it is good, which is quitting smoking again, after I got back smoking like a maniac, even more workout does not seem to be an an option any longer.. I hope, and feel like no appetite for music and getting back to my home and stay quite and listen, to what.. I don’t know, I just feel like listening more and waiting
I feel like partly I have some good control on dos and don’s, and more pull from socializing, more push towards isolation and meditation, not sure if this is a sign of me getting weird or crazy. not sure though, which is which, juts more writing
And really some high power is stopping me from approaching any opposite sex, I just can’t and when I do I feel awkward and like I don’t want to do this at all. I just want to be left alone, leave me alone. believe me, I don’t have my keys to open up.. I’m just not the way I’m used to be.. I also feel more like travelling, where I am staying feels like no home anymore, feels like everything will be changed soon, not sure when it will happen. but I lost my connection to this place, I feel it coming.. almost seeing it coming! or maybe it’s just my jet lag..
I became more meditative, it’s true that that the we need to listen more than we talk, this is why we have been given two ears and one mouth.. but hey, either my reception for whatever is happening has enhanced so much, or my frequency is finally perfectly picking up the signs, or I became so alerted to everything happening through me..
Yesterday I skipped a fine for mobile talking while driving, and got a radar ticket one hour later when I forgot where the radar was.. when I was on my way to an errand I didn’t feel much like doing, but just to satisfy a friend whom I knew earlier.. yeah, I feel like staying away.. please you, stay away from me, I’m not in a good mood for whatever right now.. and yes, I skipped this errand today, and probably will just keep it group meeting.. none is the better.. believe me, I don’t own myself anymore
The signs are everywhere, and my mood is just crappy, and a lot of songs that comes and touches me, like telling me a message. everyday i come across a twitter quote, a song, an article, an insight all telling me distorted messages, not sure anymore whats right and what’s wrong.. and it’s true that we all get signs, but we don’t all read them, as we are mostly being distorted, and busy ignoring our guts or sub-conscious.. listen to music, talk to friends, watch television.. think you are happy, act like you are happy, pretend that you are happy and fuck your feeling and your guts
I can confirm that fuck the logic and human calculations, I am a man with a guts, and I am trying to be happy.. and wish not to go nuts.. Enough said for today, my mind is so fucked up and I want to sleep till.. I just don’t know..
Till next time
avoidaccess 