I’ve made up my mind,
Don’t need to think it over
If I’m wrong, I am right
Don’t need to look no further,
This ain’t lust
I know this is love
But if I tell the world
I’ll never say enough
’cause it was not said to you
And that’s exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere? [thoughts interrupting]
– But I have been patient for a long time?
– So? What do you want now? a trophy?
– I want to feel good
– Ok, feel good.. what’s stopping you?
– I’ll be when I move on, create a new routine and get back to the old me
– I see you’re conditioning your happiness again, and trying to force your will upon the universe again with your expectations. Don’t you know that this is not how the universe works; what’s the routine you want to create anyways? do you mean more life distractions so that you don’t have to think about really living, or, in other words, to get back to the pain that you know. But even the pains that you’re acquainted with, are not fitting anymore, you need to expand more and your trajectory needs to be changed, and I know no other way to expand your existing frontiers but this way!
– But this is too painful, that change is just hard as fuck!
– Well, on the one hand, your life has been relatively stable and grown stall over the past 5 years, and I needed your attention. You’ve been busy placing a brick after the other where you refused to follow your guts that something needed to be changed, and you simply discarded the early warnings and kept building your walls. Simply cause you didn’t see any reasoning to these feelings. I had to pull down your walls, it was my way to shout at you.. Attention, I am the present, I am the only eternal thing in your life, and you’re not living me at all, I tried many times to draw your attention but you never took heed. You’ve either been depressed looking at your past, or anxious looking at your future, and I have some lessons for your growth that I had to deliver..
– But I’ve been doing all good and been following all the rules, being good and helping others, gratitude and the list goes on and on. Why this had to happen to me?!
– Why? don’t you trust me? and If I answered your question, would you promise not asking more?
– I don’t think you will dear, your inquisitive manner is inscribed in you. This is part of the excitement, remember!
– But how to expect without expecting? do you want me to lose control?
– No, the thing here that when you expect and the universe fails to deliver what you anticipated, you will be frustrated and be prepared to be so most of the time. Along with expectations comes distraction and defocus, as you’re much more focused on the outcome than the path to the outcome. Along the path, you may come across a better trajectory that makes more sense to you at the time, but you won’t recognize it when you’re defocused. So you first miss the detour, and you miss the final destination when it doesn’t meet your expectations, it’s a double loss! When you don’t expect things and focus on the path than the journey, you achieve more and you are more altered to changing your course, and when you arrive you won’t feel much pain and arriving, and most of the time more satisfaction, as if your achievements are appearing from the nowhere.
– But I expected to be more devastated, and I am pissed off at myself for not being up to my expectations of my frustrations. I am not frustrated enough!
– What? Do you hear what you’re saying? In relation to what you’ve stated your E X P E C T A T I O N S?
– What we’ve been told from similar experiences, novels, movies..
– But movies exaggerate dear they always do, same as novelists and philosophers, they have to. Partly because humans vary on their perceptions of mishaps, depth ensures engaging more audience and getting the message across to a broader audience. But this is not always the case
– But this is too tough for me to handle!
– It wouldn’t have missed you; if it were not for you. Even if this looks like shit for you, be sure that no matter what you do, when shit is due, it will be. If you keep on chopping life to bits and pieces of things and events, you get it out of its context and it causes you more dilemma. The pixel that you magnify at your TV screen is part of a bigger picture that has not been fully rendered, it will be rendered in time when you once look back and connect the dots and know that you’d not have taken this trajectory if the wall did not fall. I can only assure that the good will always outweigh the bad eventually. Meanwhile, you need to trust, follow your guts and take the leap of faith
– But I am pissed of, but I can’t allow this to manifest, I can’t allow my feelings to go on a ride
– Your feelings won’t bite, they just need to be expressed. you can let them manifest now and be free, or you can repress them now, if you’re lucky the steam will get back at you at some point for the trivial reasons and turn to either outrage or sudden despair, or as the time prolongs it starts heading inward that it manifests to some temporal sickness in the body turning to a medium depression, and worst if you are keeping these long resentments long enough, you have the ability to turn them into cancer. Your repressed emotions as they demand to be acknowledged and expressed, they turn to mood swings, then to temperament before they become ingrained in your character. Pick your pick!
– What if I couldn’t control my emotions, and they took time to quieten?
– Well, you need to keep them under your radar, express and watch how your mood changes. Releasing the steam may take some time and won’t happen over time, but its acuteness always tend to lessen as you make way. What lasts with the same intensity over longer period might be your own ego giving you the illusory look by victimizing yourself. But this is not true, it’s your Ego is your intellect trying to rationalize the fear you are not facing, so that you feel better about yourself. Ego manifests itself as thoughts, feelings, words, actions. Not all thoughts are ego based. Ego is not the problem, ego is the symptom of a bigger problem, ego points the way to fear. Fear is the real problem, without fear, there is no need for ego
Shit happens yes, but I guess now it’s not the same type of shit that you used to know.. at least not anymore!
Till next time!