my canvas..

hopeWith more challenges ahead in my life, a lot of mood swings coming my way that looks like a random stroke of a dark colored brush on my canvas that used to be filled with vibrant colors. With life’s enforced ebb and tide, more people going out of my life, leaving empty spots for new joiners to join soon.. it’s daunting to witness your life transition phase that looks like drought for now, while waiting for the new joiners who will accompany me to my next achievement.. i have to admit, it’s challenging to every single moment of my life, to generally keep the perspective of reality.. not the good or the bad side of things, just the reality perspective.. it fractures my bones to get a whole grasp of all these fast changes happening, i accept and surrender to the less attractive side of life.. while trying to keep my head above the surface

But, what do i see coming my way.. here’s how i chose to paint my canvas.. it’s interesting, come with me.. let’s paint my canvas with my brush, cause i want it to be good and i want to take a memoir out of this phase of my life..

I see new friends coming my way, who are compassionate and have a lot to give and share with me

I see more than a casual encounter with nice grow ups, there won’t be still settling down.. but more fun and life waiting to be lived

I see an interesting period of challenging business, that will reap in few years from now

I see me growing wiser, more patient yet still with the spirit and enthusiastic approach to life

I see the lines between play, business and life are blurry and almost mixing up, when business becomes fun, and relationships becomes meditation, and life becomes my golden fish that i look after like a kid from the glassy pot

I see me travelling coming my way, i see all the doors that used to be closed in the past being opened before me..

I see more of my incubated ideas coming to life, and getting a lot of traction and liked by many

I see myself efficiently utilizing my capabilities and learning, and giving back to people and being so beneficial to others, rather than being a burden to the world

I see m myself a Nobel laureate in few years from now, giving a short funny speech about how i got my business started, and how the power of LOVE has got me started by good giving business

I see myself reviving the values long forgotten by our unnecessarily fast-paced life, leading by example and again sharing my experience with people about how LOVE is one of the greatest forces in earth that can move mountains, not only if you believed in it, but practiced it in every little action that you do

I see love is always requited, maybe not in the way expect it.. but it certainly pays back from all the other doors you never thought it’d come through..

I will tell the world that nothing is easy gained, and this is the point of living fully your dreams..

I will lead by example that nothing will work out, until you first have the full intentions and guts towards achieving that goal.. anything else achieved without intentions, love, wrapped with your convictions.. will merely by a success, rather than a checked box of your to-do list

I will succeed for me, for myself and my own growth.. but in the process, i will not forget to share all this with the world

Till next time

a colonized mind..

gg

This is what resonated with my couple of days ago tide of tears that went out of control.. a colonized mind. It’s a paranormal feelings that i am having, every time i look back on the person who was sobbing in the car. A controversial feelings that the person who sobbed is out of me already, and that i left him there at the dark empty parking lot.. and another feeling that i sort of miss that person that i want to check up on him, pat him and assure him that everything will be ok and alright.. some other times i feel like i want to see him again, and solace him by jointly sobbing again with him.

I caught myself being oversensitive these days, and that my tears have become closer than before.. maybe it was the recently exploration that sobbing was really one of the deepest feelings i have every felt in sometime..  could be for the comfort that was accompanied by the loud sobbing and flinching. Maybe because i totally felt in commune with God.. i could feel my sobbing had mixed feeling of blame and questioning God on why you’re making it so hard for me, you know I’ve been trying hard to be good and do good, and now i just give up and i can’t see what you want me to see anymore.. i am fucking weak and you better show up, cause i just can’t take this load off my shoulder anymore.. i can’t be that wise, well-tempered, smiling and overly optimistic and always seeing the good side of every shit.. i fucking give up and i do need your help.. a significant help, don’t tell me about the prayers and smiling and everything.. i did all that and it’s not sustainable on the short term.. and please please show me some signs other than just gut feelings that is always mixed up with other uncontrollable feelings

I was looking up while crying from my deepest well, directly from my chest and offloading all the pain and blame and redirecting it to God.. I felt his presence in a way or another, i didn’t feel alone.. i felt frustrated for him being afar from me, not sure though who has been far.. me or him.. i felt like a child, a kid who’s crying himself out for not finding his mum, or getting lost in an old market, only seeing the legs of the giants around him and have no orientation whatsoever about how to get back home.. and every time i looked up, i would sob even more and kept on repeating “why me”.. and “i just can’t take it anymore” “i don’t deserve all this shit pouring over my head” “what did i do”.. i was heard.. and he was there, and i was pissed of.. but i was relieved later.. i was like turning my back to him once i got to my room.. in a way to show that i don’t wanna talk to you.. but he’s sweet, he didn’t mind it.. he’s always there for me, and i know that..

It’s one of my toughest time in my life, when you are given the 24 hours back from your 9-to-5 job and you take the full responsibility of spending your day-to-day the way you want and wish.. it’s terrifying, and now i can understand how comfortable is the comfort zone, and how weak will spirits tend to exchange responsibility and risk with corps, against a monthly pay, if you agree let your mind be colonized by these false convictions.. you exchange your life for money, to achieve corps dreams and ambitious.. that they draw and plan for you.. they paint your comfort zone with nice colors along with nice frames that quotes wise words quoted from free thinkers who were mostly not a 9-to-5 workers..

They make your comfort zone looks nice, and they keep repeating the false mantras of hard work, and multitasking, leadership.. they dazzle your eyes with money, and status.. you buy status.. a title, a fancy car.. they feed your greed more and more, and colonize your mind of more wants, and free it from any valuable needs.. you seldom find your 24 hours are spent on real needs, rather than just societal norms shaped in shape of wants.. they teach you more and more about curbing your emotions, your poker face at business, how to be more superficial and gain more by doing less. They sell you soft skills that tamper with your humanity, and train you that these behavioral conflicts are something personal, and it’s a stigma that can neither be shown nor expressed in public.. blame yourself, and vent it out away from work.. or maybe through workout?!

Workout, you need a work life balance, you need to have this body. the abs, the waist line and the thigh gaps.. wait, you need to sign for a reputable gym, you wouldn’t want to end up working out with people from lower classes, who sweat and smell.. pay this and acquire your status, by associating yourself with this world chain gym.. wait, you can’t workout with regular outfits.. sports wardrobe.. the brands again, the shorts and the shirts.. this is better fit for cardio, this is more for weight lifting.. wait, you need gloves, a water bottle, and wearable to count your precious calories, more and more of things..

Now eat healthy, buy the organic food from here, this is the best for your life and overall health.. distinguish yourself from others, eat this not that.. then again, it’s ok not to say no for pizza.. one unhealthy meal won’t hurt.. now work, workout, eat healthy, some junk.. manage work, fake a smile, poker face, suppress your feelings, know the new trends to be in the know, do more new crazy things to get you out of the circle we have created for you..repeat, you’re in the circle, caught and you have no idea that you’re trapped, and the mantras that all these corps are trying to upsell you is so successful by persistently, relentlessly repeat the same contradicting message again and again..

The sick mantra of repeating of corps works like this.. you want this, you need it.. you can’t live without it.. now it’s becoming an addiction, you need to get over it.. to get over it, you want this.. you need it.. repeat until your death.. this is simply is our modern colonized mind..

Now tell me, how the hell can you be anything but another copy of a human, experiencing a daily inhumane numb life, filled with nuances and void.. and you barely find it painful when you are awake and conscious with no preordained fill in for this empty space.. when you come to face your colonized mind, and start confronting yourself with this familiar question.. “Now what? what should i do with my mind, thinking?! oh that’s too painful.. i almost forgot how to do it”

Now i sort of know why i am somewhere else with me trying to fill in the gaps of my disparate time.. it’s a real tough job to fill in the pieces and make it make sense..

Till next time

Just sobbing..

bathing

Yesterday, It was my paramount day for me when i have literally psychologically collapsed.. it all started in  the car while relocating for the nth times, and after 1 day from temporarily changing my location, where i felt unwelcome by one of my friends who used to be of the closest at some point of my life.. an overwhelming feelings of hurt from all those around me, from failing friends to close friends, to those i fell for.. the 3 exes. My eyes started a bit shiny, then with the first teardrop I just couldn’t help it but cry even more in the car.. sobbing and flinching uncontrollably that I had to park at the next available location, where I couldn’t help but cry even more from the deepest part of my chest

Sobbing for all the pain i’ve been causing to myself from giving people endless chances to make up their mistakes, and always excusing them for the shit that they did, and blame their circumstances and immaturity in facing their life hurdles, sobbing for all the embarrassments and humiliations i put myself into asking any of my exes to stop hushing me up, and listen to me properly.. sobbing for all the past times i put myself down as a doormat, and always believing that i should just stop reacting to those who treat me bad, and act properly and that the world will sort itself out when i do..

Sobbing at all the hard times I didn’t have my ex standing by my-side on my hard time at work, and when i had a swine flu. sobbing for being rejected and put down from friends and exes whenever i tried to speak up myself and tell them to stop hurting me, it fucking hurts.. sobbing to take all this pain inside and not letting it out, as i am the more mature guy who knows better ways to handle frustrations and people’s shortcomings. Sobbing for not sobbing since my aunt departure for 9 years ago.. sobbing for all the times i sobbed in my dreams but not in real life.. sobbing for the injustice that have been put upon me and the principles i stood for that got me fired.. sobbing for failing to put up any walls, and always dealing from the heart and always being taken for granted

Sobbing for my confusion about which world are we living in! sobbing about my insecurities that rose to the surface in such a rough time, of not knowing if i am gonna make it or not, sobbing for being alone from any kind of support, from finding someone who would understand my tears and deep pain, and telling me that everything will be fucking ok.. sobbing at the world from being so soaked up with insecurities wrapped by materialistic attitude. Sobbing from the cold people as ice who show no feelings, but don’t mind showing walls and their cold skin.. sobbing for standing for my principles, in saying and doing and getting nothing but hurt and pain from people.. sobbing for my fear of collapsing and turning to another insincere human, where no one can see anything but walls.. sobbing for living in an alienated world who always attributes you to what you have.. sobbing at hurting myself, and more of allowing myself to be hurt endlessly.. sobbing for caring to people’s feelings and having no one caring for my fucking feelings..

Sobbing at being neglected from people i care for the most, sobbing for seeing no people but walls, sobbing from failing to adjust my behavior to this cold world, sobbing for not listening to many advises of ignoring people.. sobbing for giving people chances i know they will always miss, sobbing for the times i was harshly rejected, sobbing for the times my feelings were invalidates and discarded for not fitting into this snow aged world.. sobbing for all the other mistakes i did to cover up my fears, and wrap my insecurities, sobbing for being unsure if i should i stand for my values which does seem to fit anymore, or just leave them aside and be another cold creature hiding in their own forte.. sobbing for my deceased father whom i miss the most, and sobbing for not sobbing at his funeral 8 years ago.. sobbing for the lies and false witness i had to face at work to justify my termination.. sobbing at my extreme weakness, and the hopeless case i come to, being alone in Doha with many people with walls, and none to really understand that state i come to

Sobbing painfully from the depth of my chest for nearly unstoppable 30 minutes, sobbing for the past 9 years lows and deeper lows.. sobbing for all the yesterdays i failed myself.. just sobbing!

Till next time..

Listen..

gg

Listen son..

This is one of the basic requirements for a seeker: that he should be a learner. What I mean by “learning” is that one should always function from the state of innocence. One should not carry conclusions inside oneself – because those conclusions won’t allow you to learn. If something does not go against them, you are bound to reject it. And if something does not go against them, then you are not learning anything – only your old prejudice is strengthened more..

So, a lot of people tell you a lot of fallacies about me. A lot speak of my name.. some claim being better connected than others to me. Some people bomb others claiming fighting others who believe that they are beheading under my supervision, as if it’s part of my orders, the funny things that the first bomb and ask for my blessings, and the later behead after reciting my name for blessings too! You don’t want to know what I have for them, a SURPRISE!

The above guys all fighting under my name from different perspectives.. though they claim to be coming from different places in earth, some of them claim to be coming from western camp field and affiliate themselves to the developed civilized hemisphere of my earth, whilst the Middle Eastern camp field are somehow influenced by American movies of Game of Thrones, Troy and Lord of The Rings, and acting very heroic by enslaving women, fleeing my other Christian believers, and raping their women..

And there’s the media camp field, who normally make money from selling news and creating more conspiracy theories about what’s happening on the ground from all point of view of not the truth, but for whoever flush them more with money..
I know it might be confusing amid all these confusions to lose patience, and along with it your faith in me.. to be honest, if i were you, I would have probably lost my faith too. But I am not you, and you are not me.. and this is what makes me God..

With some hindsight, you can say that I neither support nor condemn whatever happens by your fellas to you.. and that might be awry by my followers, always asking me the same questions day-in-day-out what the hell is happening? and why are you allowing it to happen? and to be honest, I never answer back meaningless questions, cause this is not how i operate..

On the western camp where most of the OECD and developed countries are trying to lead, hoping to paint the world with their own brush. USA and EU on one side, with Russia and China on the opposing side. They claim to be civilization evangelists coming to emancipate slavery, eradicate poverty and supporting other nations to the right way of living under some stupid notion called “democracy” which looks stupid to me, as if they are trying to reinvent the wheel that I’ve already created and made it quite clear three times through my 3 divine religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), that’s apart from non-divine religions (Buddhism, Sikhism likes)

But none of the above have made it any further than what they have made it at their countries, yes they did a lot of advancement in many fields to push humanity forward – not in all the cases – for 2 simple reasons.. they paid the price of their persistence, second I made it available when on the time i decided is the right time.. and this is a God thing you won’t understand..

On the Middle East camp, you can see a contradicting life happening there.. a broad range of everything, skyscrapers and white thobes with black abayas, with a lot of big monarchies.. some countries are wealthy with their resources, while some are wealthy with their human resources.. however the whole middle east is so naïve that the west are marketing their products to them, they sell them literally everything.. from cars, to fashion, to language.. even their local fashion embraced by the gulf states are made by the west.. that’s next to being apart over some minor changes between cults that are human made like Sunnis and Shias, Durooz and much more.. whilst this is not what i have revealed before Muhammad my messenger, but this is not our concern..

Far east.. that’s full of other beloved followers who are normally ignored by the mass, but their monarchies and autocrats are recognized.. quite submissive, some countries have made it.. like Japan, South Korea.. Malaysia, Singapore, and China.. some others have a long way to like India and Thailand.. but anyways, they are mostly recognized by being the poorest with many pagans

In the bigger scheme of things, relatively.. I see some camps are doing better than others.. take the west for instance are way ahead in terms of cash and technology advancement, and proclaiming humanity and caring as being soled by their media machines. Yet, their communities are not as happy as it may seem, they have developed technology but left their people behind. The result as you can see is going for the extremes, and not caring about one another.. being isolated in their own communities

Middle East are not any better as well, the states are torn apart and they absolutely have everything and nothing at the same time.. this region is torn in many facades, between bigotry, discrimination based on wealth, religions.. and in most of the regions based on cults that i didn’t even create.. they were an easy prey and sold themselves to the west camp, who is totally absorbing their resources.. from weaponry, to life style products, to fashion and culture and traditions.. yet, the only thing they might be proud of is their traditions that is mixed up with religions..

Always stick to your conscience. Never let anyone else keep it for you. And I mean anyone else..

I was just laying out to you an overview of the heated regions on the planet earth, and how things looks like from a Godly perspective.. You can see that I listen, and always listen because simply I have my time with you as promised to talk with you about what you’ve been doing on earth.. If you have the power, you don’t need to threaten people and show off your muscles.. because you have nothing that you need to prove to anyone.. and this is exactly how I as a God act.. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.. cause simply If i want to do something i will do it, don’t need a permission or a prayer or anything..
I have created you for a purpose, I drew some outlines for you to follow, most of your life will be made based on your choices, I know what you may do, but you get to choose what you want to do.. at points you may disobey may, and this won’t get me happy.. but it’s part of the freedom i granted to you when i created you from myself..

I have favored you over other creatures and gave you a brain to think with, I asked you to follow me and no one but me.. don’t try to find me in people, I have created them and they are equal.. they should not be leading you, giving you promises on my behalf or even act as if they are my delegates.. i don’t have one delegates on earth, you are all my delegates on earth collectively.. don’t try to fathom me, don’t try to judge me, or label me.. the result will be a total failure or infidel.. and mostly devastating.. all i asked for is whenever you want to reach out to me, just reach out and talk to me, in any form and way.. i won’t answer you, but definitely you will feel my presence.. don’t bother yourself with people, different religions.. or things that does not make much of sense to you.. want to know me, get inside yourself and reach out to your spirit.. abolish your ego, it’s not me and has nothing related to me.. it’s a human thing..

I have created everything with this diversity for reasons, if you believe in me you have to trust me.. as i have entrusted you.. question everything.. but when in doubt read my words, everything is laid before you.. some orders you just have to follow without asking, and they are few.. from the 10 commandements, to the 5 pillars.. not much to ask, and for the differences always question yourself or follow others, and you have your inner compass that never goes wrong.. if you are comfortable about it while doing it, and you think that everyone got it wrong do it.. if in doubt don’t.. but be sure, that i will always help you if you ask..

I have set a date to meet and talk about what i said, and what you did.. before that, the earth is more of a closed ecological system, whatever you input you will get as an output.. i don’t micromanage the earth, and this is why i sat all these rules.. be sure that whatever you get good or bad in your life, is a result of your input.. I don’t send either storms or blizzards to wipe countries because i am angry.. it’s a closed ecological system. and it’s true that whatever i have given you is a grant, your body, your money, your health and literally everything around you.. you don’t own anything.. you either be my good disciple or bad disciple.. either represent me or not.. and it’s up to you..

It’s that simple.. you have your brain, and i have given you a test that’s totally up to your IQ, everything in life will respond to you.. nothing for keeps, and you should be sharing everything with everyone.. this starts from your smallest circle, expanding to broader circles as much as you can do.. if you liked it and exerted more efforts to understand me, and have a bigger role in life, i will always be next to you.. to believe it or not in me it’s up to you.. i will always be fair and just to you, and i never break promises.. i will never blame you if your regretting your deeds, blaming is not of my traits

Don’t try to fathom me, follow me, ask me, talk to me, Be my delegate, trust me, listen about me from me.. i have neither sent anyone, nor asked anyone to deliver a message on my behalf, help others, spend yourself on those around you, share everything with everyone.. there you will find me there, in every good deed.. and if you chose not to, we have a day to meet and talk.. and be sure that I can.. and I will

Till next time

You’re my only!

ff

Hej Hej God! Hur mår du? you know, i am in Stockholm now and i’m dyed by their Swedish!

Maybe I never had the time to talk to you bluntly since my Umrah, you know like heart-to-heart talk.. not that I didn’t want to talk, but maybe my recent adoption is to listen more, and not to ask for things from you, cause you like to be listened to. But sometimes I just want to say stuff to you, things that only you can understand and would make sense to you..

I came along way to understand more about life, purpose, what i am here for, what do you want me to do; or more like in attempt to unfold my destiny in the smartest way that i know. And since knowledge is something that is constantly changing, I have always tried to understand more and read to have more expansive understanding. I can’t deny that i came close enough to a whole new set of understandings about you, life, religions and all the other mundane things that usually occupies the mind of humans, you know humans and curiosity is a big deal here!

Of the good things I have recently had the chance to test, were my principles and how strong is my faith. And you know, how things ended by ending a life in Qatar that was from the outside looked nice and strong, but from the inside was purposeless. I still trust that it was to end anyways at this particular time, in a way or another. it’s hard to see beyond what your eyes can get you to perceive, but i do have faith in you, and i don’t require much to see to believe

People here talk a lot of shit about you, some claim that they are speaking under your name, and causing a lot of bloodshedding here in the Middle East and beheading others because they just can, i can assure that we are the only region who still rides German horses, and claim civilization by acquiring more than what they really need, cause they simply can afford it, it’s hell unequal here and things are getting from bad to worse

The west on the other hand are sleek and much smarter, they look at us as a big market for their products, from garment, to food, cars, life styles, language, immense market for weaponry – as long as the internal battles are ongoing – and you know what, i can’t blame them, we are fucked up and disunited and we hate each other most of the time – you’ve seen what happened to me for instance, i know that you don’t micromanage this world to that level – at least this is what i think

As on what I come to believe about you at this particular moment.. I believe you are great, nice and so kind, and your love is immortal and unconditional, and you always listen and trustworthy. i also know that and not trying to fathom you, because i can’t and i won’t and you know what, it’s also pointless :) i also know that you are part of who we are, our spirit; i also know that we collectively make up God, it’s all inside us. I also happen to know that our demons are represented by our egos, and these are the two fighting powers inside each and everyone of us..

I know that you don’t micromanage this earth, and that it’s sort of closed ecological system. That nothing goes out of this circle, it’s only matter of actions and reactions. Yes, sometimes that reactions comes straight to our face, and falls within our laps, and when it does.. i am sure it’s fallen exactly where it’s supposed to be.. i also happen to think i know, that we are all equally screwed in our misconception about religions, be it divine or non-divine.. yet i know that i do know that much that i don’t need a religion to understand you, or believe in you; i believe in you regardless, cause you are the highest form of knowledge, mercy and power in this universe

I know that we should not be taking everything you said in the holy book of Koran literally, and that most of what you are saying and repeating over and over is worth contemplation, but not to be taken literally, rather than allegory, and you know how confusing it is, yet i think that of the miracles you have left between us today is the Koran, as we will never cease to be amazed from its broad understanding that varies and constantly changes from one to another. If you happen to be interpreting it with your ego, you are in a deep shit, and if you happen to interpret it with your heart, you might not be there yet, but you are close enough!

I know that I love you, and I know that i will sometimes fail your expectations, but remember when i asked you on the first time i’ve visited you, i told you that i want to end my life on good terms.. we have this pact for life, and i know you’re up to your word, and i love this the most about you.. God you are awesome!

You know why i made it to Stockholm, or at least you know that i’ve been following the signs that have been revealed before me. That one thought that took me from one place to another, and to be honest, i fell for the place since i landed at Skavska and exactly past the passport control. I wish to found my own company here, and apply the concept of tech4good. i see a lot of unfairness in the distribution of wealth on earth, as i cannot fix everything on earth, and i am not entitled to.. and at the same time i should not be asking you to do something about it., simply you have given me all the tools to help others..

I have been fortunate enough to get a good education and be bilingual, my parents have invested heavily in me.. whether it was dad or mum, and i have a decade of experience and good sum of savings, and honestly i don’t think that you ever give us more than what we need for keeps, it’s all meant for sharing. my aim is to be useful and create a good business that connects and transfers the funds and knowledge from the fortunate hemisphere of the earth, to the less fortunate hemisphere.. cause simply whatever i am willing to do is part of my destiny that i have recently unfolded, or at least this is what i believe to be the case for now..

I don’t necessarily see this business as a way to make up living only, i only feel it’s my paying back my dues to how fortunate i have been because of you. You know how bad i want this to happen, and I am relying on you to give me a hand in gettings this done. First i need whatever job that will allow me to stay here in Sweden, then meeting the right people who may help me in achieving this. I don’t mind the efforts at all God, you know me quite well, i could quit smoking after some good 15 years of daily smoking. You know me better than myself, that i am a little impatient when i am confused and the uncertainty outweighs my eyesight.. So please let me know if i should be going this way or not, or should i start looking elsewhere.. For me, i know this is what i want and think will be my next passion for the next few years.. I don’t know what do you see?!

On the second thing i wish to happen is to marry the one i never had to explore my relation further.. the one whom i still love till now and don’t have/want to control this feelings anyways.. you know how she ended everything unexpectedly, she’s sweet and lovely.. a little bit undetermined and trying to figure it out on her own, but this is the price of experience.. I absolutely don’t see your point of things not working out between me and her, after some 2 years of waiting for her to be ready! I trust your choices, but sometimes i can’t deny that you piss me off with these unprecedented decisions. I trust your judgement eventually, and i always try to be a better of version of myself, you know how the Azeri relation went and was too much of platonic romance that lead me astray, i remember you assuring me way to early when i was in Turkey that she is no good, when i asked you in the mosque for assistance.. but i didn’t listen at that time, cause i was blinded.. i don’t regret it anyways, she took me to great heights of emotions, that paved the way to the following who was also unsure, and on her own fighting her battles

So, to conclude.. i am looking for your help on this project.. is this what i should be doing? is this the right country to start at? – please say yes.. and is she the one? – yes yes! :))

Thanks God! :))

Till next time..

the thing..

ff

Maybe this is the thing about life, that we are all going to die.. or as some saying goes, that the only truth about life is death.. the rest is merely interpretation of different point of views, that are usually shaped based on life experiences you came across. And as you embrace the idea that time is always elapsing, you may give up the idea of many things that might be hindering your progress, which is by far easier to realize after you reach your 30s

Been almost 10 days in Stockholm, and to be honest i loved the amazing balance and self acceptance that people have adopted here. They do have everything, but not much of anything.. just the right amount of whatever you need to be happy. They are not over-doing or over-living life but rather just doing what suffice to be happy. They have the right balance between life and work, the right balance of not commercializing life and not charging you for every single thing that you do, just because you happen to exist in Stockholm..

When i look back in time, and in particular 3 years back before moving to Doha; i had a lot of unlearning to do once i moved, i believe i gave up a lot of the misconceptions related to religion. In terms of being conscious about my faith, and practicing it from a different angle, from an angle of testing my values, principles and faith, rather than just blindly doing what my ancestors and society used to do without putting it to test..

Of the great discoveries i found that most of our beliefs are so fragile, that mostly collapses when you get them to the real-life test, and that most of the time it’s only matter of convenience to say that you’re a believer, rather than explaining why you don’t believe it. What i could see based on my recent experience that has resulted losing my job for standing by the right side on my own, that people are not willing to put their faith to test, because they are subconsciously non-believers, rather than conformists. They are so afraid to put their faith to test, cause they do not want to collapse before them, if the results came different from their expectations, afraid to fall short.

Of the striking truth that i realized was that some of the commonly things that are identified by society as sins, doesn’t really feel like a sin. As much as it  terrifies me that some of  the aspects of religion has been under great misconduct, as part of our sponge nature of absorbing whatever our society brings to us. It looks like we have absorbed a lot of disappointment wrapped with illiteracy, and served on a platter of ignorance and lack of knowledge. but it still lays a lot of burden of the probability of being wrong, but then again i realized that my guts can still guide me about the right and wrong, and if i am compelled by the fear of being wrong, i could just drop it and not do it.

But i could still be the turning point of my tree, if i ever thought about having a kid, which i consider as the light at  the end of the tunnel for my generation, and as an inheritor of my Egyptianized roots. My father did the same, he had his faith between his hands and decided to be different from his family, and taught himself by himself and did the best he knew at every point of his life. i believe he did a great job on being the new roots stem from his family, that has viewed the world from a slightly more broad point of view, in comparison to his roots..

I would still do the basic things that doesn’t need much of rethinking, like the prayers and fasting, as there isn’t much of innovation or way of doing the pillars of Islam than this, and it should not be reworked anyways, we should just follow it. Apart from that, the grey areas where we get lost between being a wrong misconduct naturally passed from generation to the next. i found this easy rule, if it doesn’t make sense to you, then it probably has been set based on people’s self judgement that serves their own agendas at a point of time, and to be honest.. most of the time it is. The only drawback fo this approach, that you’ll never know really if you’re right or wrong, unless it’s time to be judged before God. But if it brings you more fears than the pleasure of doing it, then just don’t..

This approach has not stopped me from also working on refining things that my mind fails to comprehend, cause not everything in religion has to make sense to you, some of it, if not most are just their obedience. Plus, if it’s really clear in the Koraan, then there’s no need really to rethink it. Eventually you’re not God, you are just resemble one facade of God. As much as this new rule leaves me a broader room of freedom to experience life, as much as it burdens me to think of all that..

But then again.. my life, my choices..

Till next time

Hi..

e

 

We all have these little things that we keep to ourselves, when we think that out significant other is not ready to hear them out, hopefully.. cause most of the time you’re only being hushed up, they are not even giving you the time to say anything. They give you no time, and when it happens quite often especially after some unprecedented breakup, you tend to pile up the things you always wanted to say, but never had the chance to spit it out to the right audience..

Though I’ve recently learnt not to curb any feelings, and let whatever come and wash out my soul, cause i don’t want to have these curbed feelings all over my life.. the sooner you vent it out, the better you become.. and recently, i think i started giving myself a chance to have these uninterrupted conversations with myself, cause it gives me a chance to release it all. 

Today, i had this dream about you.. you know these precious moments when you just woke up, but still the trails of your dreams are still a bit blurry and as the few moments pass by from sleeping to waking up, every moments that passes, it makes it even more blurry and fades faster than then previous moment, till your face have the first contact with the real awake life, splashing the water all over the phase and looking into the mirror and having this inside conversation “it was just a dream, here we go with another day in London, it’s the 5th of September and I am travelling tomorrow to Stockholm, and now i should be having my cereal, and get online”

To be honest, i was happy to see you again.. cause in my sleep is where i can get to see you, though even in my dreams you don’t seem to make me happy again, i see you frustrated sometimes; this time i though my ex with my ex-ex altogether, and i was giving the choice to choose between you two since you are somehow in the scene.. then i realized that you are getting married and you sort of getting ready for your wedding. I still chose you over the ex-ex, but then you were already taken and on your way to marry and stuff.. i don’t know!

I almost forgot, i wanted to talk to you about the things i always wanted to say, but never had the chance to. You know, you either give me little to no time on every encounter, or you gave me the cold-shoulder which was by the way very cold. I have to salute you that you’re really good at distancing yourself. It was painful to be honest, though I always felt how hard you are resisting your natural charm of being nice to people, i know it was really hard on you to be something you’re not, and this is maybe why our accidental encounters at work, the mall or the gym were never easy on either; or at least this is how i chose to think of you

You know how hard it is to keep defending you in front of myself without your presence! It’s double the work to change my thoughts, and come up with each and every excuse for you, based on what i know about you. It’s easier to hate than to love, but to be honest, i don’t want to hate you.. i still want to keep your picture in my head undisturbed. it worked sometimes, and some other times i only get pissed off at your shutting me down attitude. But I don’t recall such moments to last longer than few days.. it’s true what Om Kolthoum said on one of her songs “I was mad at you between me and myself, and i made it up, then i was mad at you again, I tell myself i should let go, then i feel sorry for myself.. afraid if i let go, i would be more deprived” it’s exactly these kind of self conversations that keeps happening to me every now and then

To be honest, if i had a chance to speak up with you honestly.. i don’t have a concrete things to say, but they all revolve around a lot of exclamations, comma, question marks, semi colon and some hyphens, but without any Period. cause i don’t want to stop

But i think that i would to have you part of my daily routine again, like experience more of you in more depths.. i still think i didn’t have a chance to explore the different kind of you(s) yet. I’ve seen a lot of your less attractive side of who you are, which as much as i didn’t mind it. i hoped it would end at some point and get your support that i needed on my hardship days, the 7 weeks of suspension where i had to stay home and do nothing but reading and exercising; that kept my partial whole intact; i wanted you to exceed my expectations and offer support, i so much needed that!!

Not that i can’t face it all alone, but because it would have been much more bearable if we shared the load and split it in two. you know it’s easier to share than taking all the load. At the same time i tried to be there celebrating your milestones of achievements at work, though i was not sure about how you will take it, but honestly i didn’t care about your reaction, cause it made me happy, and i knew it would make you happy to celebrate it even from afar. Or at least, this how i wished you received these surpising texts

But anyways, i think i am on one of these years that asks questions.. maybe years llaters, i will get some answers.. i am sure i will..

Take care of yourself D, i am sure our roads will cross again.. keep working out, and i will keep it till then

Good day D!

Till next time..