my fortune teller

cuba chick

On the 8th of September 2016, a Thai the fortune teller who lives in Penang, Malaysia told me about things on the way to happening in my life in the upcoming period. Most of it has been making sense already and it’s worth taking a note of it so that I won’t forget.

Starting April 2016 till April 2017 things will start getting better for me after 3-4 years of retrograde in my life where many have tried stabbing me in the back. Starting April this year I had Amman training and the other temporary job that finally has come to an end, my professional life is set to boom and my focus should be on software. I have a boss’s life and next job I should consider to take it easy on probation period, I may come across two opportunities where one of them will be an older boss who will let me do things my way, I should choose him over the younger boss who will be more of a peer and may give me hard time due to conflict over power.

I can work and do two jobs next to one another, should an offer arises that I should accept the most lucrative with an older boss, as things are not smooth along with my mother, my sustenance is set to be abundant outside my home country, travel is favored for more sustenance and I should take heed this month for small accidents, joint problems or health issues that’s next to my chronic problems with unhappy stomach. December will have a bigger concern with a bigger accident that will hurt me, yet i should recover from it. January 2017 onward I shall meet someone who will help me out with my business. In a year or two, I should prepare myself for another venture that will be lucrative if I took it seriously, the new venture will be around chemicals – maybe I should start a weed company – alcohol, food and beverage industry or a restaurant, and I should take opportunities coming along my way to get ready for the next opportunity. My particular approach and my bossy nature will help me to succeed in this.

My bossy attitude and my long-term stomach problems, kindness yet not taking shit from anyone trying to control me, striving for perfection, and my deep attention to details and commitment to responsibilities are big determining traits to how my life will turn out to be in the next few years on the personal and business levels. My personal life is set to be in a distant relationship with my best friend with kids mostly surrounding me, my woman might be older than me to understand my freedom to be uncontrolled and she might also be older than me, this also should be my focus after 1 to 2 years from now.

In hindsight, most of what she said made sense to me. How true this is, I have no clue..

Till next time!

failure.. the opposite side of success

stepped hopeProbably when we talk about success, I am the last to teach you about how to succeed. Nevertheless, I can tell you a lot about my failures that I have been amassing along the way.

2 years since have passed by since I last had an office job where I had a plenty of space to fail repeatedly on several fronts. I am not the first to talk about failure, and I am sure that I will not be the last.

  • Over 600+ job applications with all the kind of resume updates “short, long, pain letter, and through my LinkedIn contacts” to no avail.
  • Failure in winning 50+ incubation applications.
  • Failure in finishing my own idea creation from 4 months to a year.
  • Failure in knowing when to quit toxic relationships.
  • Failure in turning back from hired freelance jobs.
  • Failure in estimating the time and costs for executing the projects.
  • Failure in realizing my real network of supporters from pretentious.
  • Failure to estimate the time taken to develop an idea from ideation to execution.
  • Failure in understanding company politics and creating allies.
  • Failure in realizing the dynamics of the very basic things in life.

I don’t score very often, but I have ton of fun trying..

Well, this is what I have on the top of my head you get the picture. I have been failing often and literally over every aspect of life. Ying Yang chinses philosophy describes how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.

To entrench the idea even further in your head in Eastern Philosophy they usually address the classical problem of the mind at which it starts judging and perceiving everything in duality. Day and Night, Head and Tail, Beginning and End, North and South. Whilst they try to always, draw the attention that you have to get beyond duality and realize that the opposing forces in nature are actually part of the same kind.

Sunshine all the time makes a desert

Let me clarify it even further. If there were two points in the space, when you come to describe the position of one point of the two, you would always refer to it in relation to the other point in space. If there was only one point, you will not be able to describe where it is.

If it was only day how can you tell the night? If there was only one color, how can you tell it from other colors? How would you tell that you are happy unless you have experienced unhappiness? Even in language, we use opposite words to reinforce the meaning of the word.

On the other hand, failure allows us to enter the state of humilty, and with humility comes listening and with listening comes the answers to our longstanding questions that we kept asking to our universe. Traumas for instance, is what life throws at you when you’re speeding without a purpose, it’s a forced opportunity to make a U-turn that wasn’t possible because you never paid attention to the subtle signs that came along the way asking you to grow elsewhere. Sudden diseases that we haven’t seen coming is a less severe stop that is an opportunity to take heed, stop and look back at what needs to be done.

Haven’t you heard about Joseph story in Genesis 41:19 of the 7 fat cows followed by 7 lean cows. isn’t that what life is all about  the tension of opposites, a series of pulls back and forth?!

“Lo, seven other cows came up after them, poor and very ugly and gaunt, such as I had never seen for ugliness in all the land of Egypt; 20and the lean and ugly cows ate up the first seven fat cows. 21“Yet when they had devoured them, it could not be detected that they had devoured them, for they were just as ugly as before.”

For that reason, we can conclude that opposites are part of the same thing. So is failure and success, they are the opposite sides of the same coin. You will not be able to know that you are a success unless you have experienced failure, and the opposite is true. A complete wave has a peak and trough, your life has to have ups and downs. We recognize music because of the existence of silent gaps between the tones. Perfection lies in the opposites, perfection is the Ying Yang. Because one side is not the full side of the story. In this universe, there is absolutely nothing that does not come in pairs, and we observe our world because of these differences, not despite of it.

You are smart because you have been stupid

What really laden me with the social media is that it only talks about the peak, the head, the shiny part, the success part of our lives leaving everybody stigmatized about their failures, yet the very thing that you’re discarding is the same place you’re coming from. You are kind because you have seen cruelty; you are benevolent because you have been underprivileged. I hope that you are not stonehearted because you have been fooled, you can be wise instead.

Failure is information

The way I used failure to my benefit was when I used it as a feedback, treat everything in your life as a feedback because life is only reacting to what you have been putting out there of energy. Nothing is going in vain, whatever energy you put out there – be it good or bad – will take its cycle and come back at you; Just not on your watch. There are literally millions of other factors at play in the world that you can’t see. “The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.”

So next time, stop complaining about the trough you are in because it won’t get you anywhere. Instead keep moving,  doing and acting and use feedback received from the universe to tweak, adjust, adapt to your continuously changing life. above all, keep your positive affirmations at stake. Positive self-talk is what propels you to progress.

Till next time..

Paper bag..

 

Voices

It’s hard to know when  it’s a bird from a paper bag when all you’re seeing is the shadow of hopes nearing to land on your lap. This has been the nature of most of my past 2 years, or what I’d also call near misses.

Last Sunday 17th of July 2016 marked my second anniversary since I lost my job and that marks the last vow I unintentionally vowed to myself “why not stay without a job and do my startup for 2 years!!”. Despite that you don’t get to tell the universe what to choose from your seemingly irrational funny blurts and what to keep. The original plan was to work on my startup in Stockholm among like-minded people which happened to be far from reach because I had to wait for a year-and-half before I get a response to start working on my idea. At which the idea of going back to Doha to be next to the one I love who will understand and be excited that I believed in her convictions to change the world and took a real step in using my passion for innovation to serve her dreams that will eventually help us in helping others in fulfilling their potentials.

2 years later from where I started the road has turned out to be bumpy but interesting enough that it kept me going that far. I met a lot of people along the way, had a lot of near misses from job applications to people reading my email pitch, some replying and some are just feeding  my hope further with their read receipts. Some even replying right away showing either warm wishes or excitement at what I am doing and apologizing for not being able to support at this point, either because it’s out of their focus or being involved with other better ideas at hand. The value of near misses despite that it looks lame on the outside, yet the sunny side of it was that it gave me a lot of energy the fueled my energy and drove far enough to the next near miss, and this is how I never ran dry of energy that covered the span of 2 years.

Even my latest arrival to her and then my self-reminder that she too could be another near miss – even though she was the original plan – made me realize that I became with this fact too and that I am happy that I’ve cultivated enough resilience to even get past this. Again was a reminder that Perseverance is the art of letting go of expectations without letting go of actions.

Someone has to make this world give autonomously, and this has got to be me..

Till next time!

where do i go from here?

Eye

Looks like another bottom I am hitting, for now. I no longer what the content of my is all about anymore. On the one hand, I like everything about my life right now. I am enjoying every part of it, yet I feel like it’s going  absolutely nowhere where I imagined it to be, not even close.

I guess I am failing at knowing the content of me past this point. It’s void, I no longer have sense of directions. Deep inside I know where I want to be, what to do and with whom I want to be with. Yet life is trying to get me somewhere else that I have no clue whatsoever where it will be. Few days ago I got maybe my 5th frozen job notice that I thought I am close to get. Now it feels normal as I’ve wondered about how life has finally started it’s longeest crap-storm and started to really give me some perspective on where I am going. Finally unfolding that path, but it turned out to be another mirage from afar.

Insofar that I’ve enjoyed my personal transformation happening before my eyes, as much I feel ready to start my next journey and  start applying what I’ve learned on IQ and EQ. I feel ripe to do so. Yet time seems to be insecapable from feeling.

Sometimes I even question even if it was even necessary to move back to Doha just to win over the only one I ever cared for, where she ironically seems to be the last person to know that. Yet again I tell myself back that it made me happy just knowing that at least the same borders encloses us together and that she’s near in distance, and that she’s healthy, successfuly and above all safe and sound. Day made!🙂

Till next time!

 

#yesyou

sleep

Maybe the only place where I can talk to you without you running away and making me feel that my words are like bullets that you’re just trying to avoid is my dreams!

I had another vivid dream when we finally got to talk about things, it wasn’t really  that long too. But it was real enough for me to finally satiate my eyes with the lingering feeling of your presence. Though I remember you also hastened as always and were just carrying your stuff and on the way out, but I recall it was a two-way conversation at least for the short part of it. I also remember that we talked about pretty much casual things, as if we were trying to catch-up with one another on what has been going on with our lives the past 2 years.

I also remember vividly when you asked me  “What does engagement means to you?”, and I answered that “It means that people may marry, inshallah!” The way you posed the question implied more “Just wanted to make sure of the culture differences between mine and yours”. The real anomaly about my dream and beside being real and I believe it was, is that I still perspired on the very last part! Oh My God, I am always wallowed by your composure while feeling you trembling on the inside. It’s romantically imperfect that it sweeps me off my feet.

My happiest days of the week are when you lead my RPM class, I know that much about the goose bumps I get and the unmistaken spike in my calories burn, and the synchronization between our heartbeats. I didn’t need such affirmation to myself, I always knew it, it’s just that this time I could get a physical affirmation that it’s not only in my head but it also shows on my workout.

Yes, I do smile because of your mere presence before me. Wondering and telling myself at the same time that I will always be happy to see you growing before me, knowing you’re doing great, healthy, safe and sound is really all what I need to know. Even though I have no clue if my what-ifs are just my daydreams or real. I don’t care that much, because if you really love someone, all what you want to do with them is to know that they are good and doing fine.

Maybe this is all what love is all about, it doesn’t have to take any other form to be, doesn’t have to be anything else but just the sheer feelings that you have for someone. It does not always need to be transformed to anything else. It just a natural force that exist on its own accord. Maybe marriage is only a way of many other ways to utilize this force and do something useful with it for yourself and others through it. Maybe it doesn’t have to be confined into its typical form of relationships bounded by T&C, Maybe we should give up this idea and start looking into new ways to utilize love than marriage. It’s a freefloating force that doesn’t succumb to our conditions, and this is why it dies when it’s confined!

Every time I see you I grin  and giggle because I can’t help it but remembering the days when we used to flirt around and tease with all these inside jokes. I always liked the efforts you exerted to get me to notice that you finally got it, and I always did. I was just just not sure enough if this is what you wanted, cause I fell many times for the natural sweetness and appeasing personality that makes me chemically react and analyze your actions towards me as a type of flirtation when most of the times were just sheer courtesy.

I have no clue where I am gonna end up, how these strong feelings will drop me off from this ride. or when this love that I have for you will wane, or what I am doing about it more than being close to you, and I really don’t care that much either. I know I love this reviving feeling, and I hope that that maybe is real that you will love me back someday!

Till next time!

on empathy deficit

bathin lake

Short are the days of joy, long are the days of remembering such moments and reminiscing what we may have lost along the way. I don’t believe in losing, I believe in things taking place of other things. You’re like a box with a limited space for things, feelings, emotions and people, and this is where “You have to lose something in order to gain something”, where the endless efforts of detachments and letting go acts as a constant reminder of the impermanence of things.  Always reminding us to let go and make space for the new to come, and in so many ways does the loss come to us unprepared, and it’s instantaneously replaced  by new alien things that we are usually unfamiliar with, and this is where the challenge comes. Realizing and accepting the new things that have come to our lives, and try to reframe, ponder these things to unleash the value within.

If there is a promised land, it is where the heart is, and whether we know it or not, we are all on this same homeward journey

It’s unfortunate that the majority of the herd are caught up in realizing and valuing things that of quantifiable, and undisputed global agreement. More often than not they are things of materialistic nature “money, car, house, salary” what comes next to most are relationships – which to me takes a higher importance than others. At the tail of list comes the fluffy and almost taken with a grit of skepticism like: health, sanity, wisdom, stoic, preservance, kindness, empathy, smiling, and your marvelous sophisticated being that is able to treat, repair, warn and keep your physical container in the best way possible in relation to it’s possessor “You” input.

Our present lives are dominated by the goddess Reason, who is our greatest and most tragic illusion” C.G. Jung

As always, we are caught in the realm of words. We are fanatics in chopping our lives to bits and pieces to label them and file them away without really experiencing anything new to enough depths to get the nectar of the the experience. We merely break the external shell and say to ourselves “Oh, that again.. I know where it may lead me and I don’t like it”.  And this is how we mostly end-up our premature experiences that has just arrived to  teach us. Life is so great that it never give up on dragging your attention once again to the same exact experience that you’ve just skipped untill you really get it. And this is something that life is really good at, if there’s anything to learn from nature is preservance, and the laser focus and the never give up attitude it resembles in life experiences, all with a magnifcient serenity that on the surface you feel that nothing is changing, yet in long time; a lot is accomplished. In brevity “Nature doesn’t haste anything,  yet it accomplishes everything”

Recently I’ve got to read about the limits of Empathy to humans, and earlier I’ve read about the limits of decisions that humans have. It striked me at first that we may have such limits,  but then again Empathy and Decisions are feelings that need energy to fly and get a momentum. Yet after pondering upon the fact that our abstract form is a being of light that vibrates at different frequencies that are so fast that it give us the illusion of density of our bodies.  So are our thoughts that creates our feelings that gets manifested into energy that people get to see/feel it through your aura and your non-verbal communication (55% non-verbal, 38% tone  7% words) and this is when we say it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it, we often mean the first 93% of the communication that differentiates genuinity and integrity of a person from another.

The lack of empathy that humans now have might be then attributed not to it’s non-existence but rather it’s inefficient depletion in unncesssary remote events that has nothing to do with our lives. I’d attribute it more to the surge in social media usage that has allowed people to share the stories of their mostly unpleasent experiences, such stories  are seen by many who unconsciously empathize with such stories, that before they even now their daily limit of empathy is depleted. Leaving them to the outside world like a dead-corpse that physically occupies space in the universe, yet without any siginificant contribution to the outside world.

“Too many of us, I fear, suck the pointing finger of religion for comfort, instead of looking where it points” Alan Watts

It’s no wonder that we have intentionally created machines, and inventions that reflects our human cognitive sense. Computers now can see, hear and touch, when taste and smell are here with AI then we are most likely to have created the most human-like machine. I am mostly cringed by such news, knowing that side of evil has been taking the lead for quite sometime now. Humans on the way have unkowibly created Social Media and with it came the digital empathy, the digital social circle and digital life, the TV which was the earlier digital manifestation of life. As always we are confusing words for meanings behind, the territory with the map, the food for the menu.

The prime difference between between digital empathy and real empathy is that the later gets shit done, if not in action and help from people who are compelled to take action and help those they have felt empathy for. Then in literally off-loading the emotional burden with the other that his back won’t break.

Do you think that words, labels, and their meanings,your cogitive five senses; are everything there is that describes every little part and piece of your life. Words are human made as a tranistory medium to communicate, so are your cognitive senses Limiting your your world to all these predefined notions as the only life there is, is like the old days when we thought that Earth is flat because we could neither see it from above, nor had the capacity to walk in a straight line around the earth. In more literal meaning, like an ostrich that buries its head in the sand so that if it doesn’t see its predator then it’s not there.

Words are usually convulated with the real universe, who’s by all human capacities, inventions happened and yet-to-come can never been comprehened or fathomed when cut to pieces and assigned to resonating human sounds that holds meanings for us only. No words, meanings, languages, or equations would ever be enough to confine the universe, by chopping it to bits and pieces of events, and things. For two simple reasons, the universe was here first, second you’re it. Can you put ALL yourself into words? All there is and yet to come? I don’t think you can, a knife can’t cut itself!

You’re limited, you’re whole..

Till next time!

life is not..

the game (Altinho) in Ipanema - Rio de Janeiro

the game (Altinho) in Ipanema – Rio de Janeiro

It’s new year, and this new year’s eve marks an ending of  a year fully charged with extremes.. extreme happiness, depressing, devastating, adrenaline rush, rejections, invalidations. It was also a year where  I have set the foundations of many small changes yet big in effect.

I started Meditation, founded my startup, turned to a mostly vegan dietary, more salads and less meat and chicken, finished my app, started another idea, met clients, got a handful rejections of job applications, apologized 3 times and fixed two broken major relationships out of three. Despite that the last two ended on their own accord later on, but I am more relieved that  I apologized and took the effort to make them up.

I spent new year’s eve in Zikreet – in the middle of the desert 70 km westward Doha – with my roommate Hady. When the clock ticked 00:00 as brothers we hugged one another under the light of the moon, and wished one another to achieve the Top 3. To me they were 1) get my startup off the ground 2) stumble upon my partner, 3) settle down. To him was to start off  1) immigration papers for new location   2) prepare for his masters  3)  settle down with partner

What soothes and calms us about being confronted with nature, is that we come to the abstract meaning of life requirements. After 3o minutes of being alone with nature, you get to the real meaning of life, and realize that in the city, you’ve mostly confused words and concepts of life, and you find you’ve chiefly managed to create illusions of needs and attachments that you need to better your life. Where it eventually pulls you back and bring more of confusion and unhappiness than joy. It literally derails you and let you endlessly seeking an unattainable target. There, and only there in the middle of the desert and under the light of the moon, I could discern  that to live doesn’t really require all this bullshit of things, stuff and belongings. I need to breathe, eat and sleep and have sex. I don’t know what life is, but now I can tell you what life is not:

Life is not your mobile, internet, car, petrol, laptop, movie, sitcom, book, career, apps, twitter, social media, shoes, branded clothes, bag, favorite coffee or food, other people, lawsuit, house, bed, mattress, bathroom, light, moisturizer, iPad, validation, writing, paper, pen, bottle, mouse, religion, cult, country, ideology, thoughts, opinion, air condition, tea, favorite any object/anything, glasses, jacket, money, the list goes on. All the previous are things that should not be confused as means, not an end in itself. For most of us, we have confused them to be a goal, rather than a transitory medium to bring more convenience that would help us in creating more focus to our lives.

But it’s not, we buy a mobile for instance for the need to stay in touch with people out of reach, and to use it in case of emergency and many other things. Instead, we confuse it with real connection with people, we think that it is the connection to anything, instead of the means to connecting. The result is crystal clear, needless to explain. So are many other things!

Till next time!