shit happens!

don define wrld in blk

I’ve made up my mind,
Don’t need to think it over
If I’m wrong, I am right
Don’t need to look no further,
This ain’t lust
I know this is love

But if I tell the world
I’ll never say enough
’cause it was not said to you
And that’s exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere? [thoughts interrupting]

– But I have been patient for a long time?

– So? What do you want now? a trophy?

– I want to feel good

– Ok, feel good.. what’s stopping you?

– I’ll be when I move on, create a new routine and get back to the old me

– I see you’re conditioning your happiness again, and trying to force your will upon the universe again with your expectations. Don’t you know that this is not how the universe works; what’s the routine you want to create anyways? do you mean more life distractions so that you don’t have to think about really living, or, in other words, to get back to the pain that you know. But even the pains that you’re acquainted with, are not fitting anymore, you need to expand more and your trajectory needs to be changed, and I know no other way to expand your existing frontiers but this way!

– But this is too painful, that change is just hard as fuck!

– Well, on the one hand, your life has been relatively stable and grown stall over the past 5 years, and I needed your attention. You’ve been busy placing a brick after the other where you refused to follow your guts that something needed to be changed, and you simply discarded the early warnings and kept building your walls. Simply cause you didn’t see any reasoning to these feelings. I had to pull down your walls, it was my way to shout at you.. Attention, I am the present, I am the only eternal thing in your life, and you’re not living me at all, I tried many times to draw your attention but you never took heed. You’ve either been depressed looking at your past, or anxious looking at your future, and I have some lessons for your growth that I had to deliver..

– But I’ve been doing all good and been following all the rules, being good and helping others, gratitude and the list goes on and on. Why this had to happen to me?!

– Why? don’t you trust me? and If I answered your question, would you promise not asking more?

– Well…

– I don’t think you will dear, your inquisitive manner is inscribed in you. This is part of the excitement, remember!

– But how to expect without expecting? do you want me to lose control?

– No, the thing here that when you expect and the universe fails to deliver what you anticipated, you will be frustrated and be prepared to be so most of the time. Along with expectations comes distraction and defocus, as you’re much more focused on the outcome than the path to the outcome. Along the path, you may come across a better trajectory that makes more sense to you at the time, but you won’t recognize it when you’re defocused. So you first miss the detour, and you miss the final destination when it doesn’t meet your expectations, it’s a double loss! When you don’t expect things and focus on the path than the journey, you achieve more and you are more altered to changing your course, and when you arrive you won’t feel much pain and arriving, and most of the time more satisfaction, as if your achievements are appearing from the nowhere.

– But I expected to be more devastated, and I am pissed off at myself for not being up to my expectations of my frustrations. I am not frustrated enough!

– What? Do you hear what you’re saying? In relation to what you’ve stated your E X P E C T A T I O N S?

– What we’ve been told from similar experiences, novels, movies..

– But movies exaggerate dear they always do, same as novelists and philosophers, they have to. Partly because humans vary on their perceptions of mishaps, depth ensures engaging more audience and getting the message across to a broader audience. But this is not always the case

– But this is too tough for me to handle!

– It wouldn’t have missed you; if it were not for you. Even if this looks like shit for you, be sure that no matter what you do, when shit is due, it will be. If you keep on chopping life to bits and pieces of things and events, you get it out of its context and it causes you more dilemma. The pixel that you magnify at your TV screen is part of a bigger picture that has not been fully rendered, it will be rendered in time when you once look back and connect the dots and know that you’d not have taken this trajectory if the wall did not fall. I can only assure that the good will always outweigh the bad eventually. Meanwhile, you need to trust, follow your guts and take the leap of faith

– But I am pissed of, but I can’t allow this to manifest, I can’t allow my feelings to go on a ride

– Your feelings won’t bite, they just need to be expressed. you can let them manifest now and be free, or you can repress them now, if you’re lucky the steam will get back at you at some point for the trivial reasons and turn to either outrage or sudden despair, or as the time prolongs it starts heading inward that it manifests to some temporal sickness in the body turning to a medium depression, and worst if you are keeping these long resentments long enough, you have the ability to turn them into cancer. Your repressed emotions as they demand to be acknowledged and expressed, they turn to mood swings, then to temperament before they become ingrained in your character. Pick your pick!

– What if I couldn’t control my emotions, and they took time to quieten?

– Well, you need to keep them under your radar, express and watch how your mood changes. Releasing the steam may take some time and won’t happen over time, but its acuteness always tend to lessen as you make way. What lasts with the same intensity over longer period might be your own ego giving you the illusory look by victimizing yourself. But this is not true, it’s your Ego is your intellect trying to rationalize the fear you are not facing, so that you feel better about yourself. Ego manifests itself as thoughts, feelings, words, actions. Not all thoughts are ego based. Ego is not the problem, ego is the symptom of a bigger problem, ego points the way to fear. Fear is the real problem, without fear, there is no need for ego

Shit happens yes, but I guess now it’s not the same type of shit that you used to know.. at least not anymore!

Till next time!

the one who got away!

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We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. That child understands magic moments. We can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice. The child we once were is still there – Paulo Coelho

Recently I stumbled upon two videos of shows interviewing children’s on some controversial concerns faced by the contemporary society, one following the pride decision of same-sex marriage by SCOTUS across US, and the other concerns understanding adultery. From their wise responses you end up saying Oh my, these kids know way a lot more than we do, and sometimes they just can simplify it way easier than our best novelists or philosophers who have mastered painting with words. [watch the videos below]

Kids explain Gay Marriage!

Kids Explain Adultery

– When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a firefighter?

– What happened?

– Nothing, I grew up!

– ….

Few months ago I was able to finally believe in the child inside me, through my various reads I came across many affirming the belief I always had but didn’t had much logic to support it, that at times I could almost say that whenever I get in touch with this side of me amazing things happens; and this is how I see it

Kids are innately smart and know it all, they are super spiritual beings who have mastered living in the moment and embracing life as it unfolds. They have no concept of time in the senses that there is no past or the future; that all there is, is eternal now. They laugh when they feel like it, play when they want, they eat when hungry, they sleep when tired, and they cry when their tears are due. They have no walls or Instagram filters to see life through, instead they see life thoroughly. They know what they want and a go-doer, they don’t expect any validation from outside. They know there is time for everything and they enjoy what they do at any given moment. Ever heard of a kid who is bored?

Don’t be fooled by their incapacity to communicate perfectly in language, it’s only 30% anyways of the communication skills. Yet they are mastering the 70% in the non-verbal part, they hug, kiss and caress, kick and shout, groan and moan, they embody their feelings as soon as they are due. Time for kids is always now, and they would be amazed when they ask you to play and you say that you’re busy, or discard them or try to push them to sleep when they are still toddlers. They always wonder why can’t they play now, what would be more important than living your life at this very moment?! You must be crazy fool to not follow your calling and never-give-up answering every single time! and to be honest, you’re an absolute fool..

They have not yet been carved by the hands of societies, religions. They are still a fresh sculpture of the universe, so much in commune with it all the time. Wait till they go to school and start their awaited process of long conditioning to become a second version of their societies. They learn languages that limit their abilities to communicate, they study the same books and get asked about things they have absolutely no interest. Time for hobbies is quite limited at school, and our parents start diverting our attention and reframe and confine our emotions. We are taught not there are better ways to express your feelings, but to repress these emotions and they simply invalidate them and while you’re in awe and sad, they promise to reward you that next time you succeed in repressing your emotions they will be happy and they will get your favorite kinder. You’re barely taught why this and not that, cause you’re young and they are adults and do know better than you. Yeah, right!!

Then we are taught that playing is wasting time, this again is another way to suppress their inquisitive nature that you literally start organizing their feelings and labeling their emotions to good and bad. You start nurturing in them the ongoing need to make others happy, by conforming to what people expect out of you, and so are every other aspect of your life gets affected, work, hobbies, friends, dos and donts, your attitude etc all within a predefined range of options.. remember the kinder!

You as an enlightened kid who haven’t yet hit your 7th year, you’ve learned a lot of stuff in this crazy world lead by so called mature and adults. There is a time for every part of your life to be lived, playing, exploring and discovering yourself won’t get anywhere living. Your emotions have their own time as well, they all have been carefully labeled and categorized to good and bad. They more you confine them the closer you are to the kinder. There is that thing called education that you have to attend almost 1/3 of your life doing things everybody else is doing. The closer you get to close to the university, the closer you are to doing what you really always wanted to do. Hopefully, you’d still remember what you’ve always wanted when you were once enlightened!

You graduate and the closer you are to the kinder, the more it looks out of reach. You were always taught that happiness is in the kinder, it’s always by the next stop and that it’s never where you are. Your society, culture, education, parents and religions have successfully installed their operating systems into you. Now you are ready to be an obeying good human who conforms to everything he’s been taught as a kid. You’ve successfully became a second version of everyone else. A sigh of relief, cause you’re no longer a threat or potential rebellion and expected not to mature way far from your society has conditioned you

By the time you start working, this is what I call the phase of corporates brainwashing start taking place. From the place you work, to every single brand you’ll ever use, this time the influence colonizes all your senses, and it affects you not instantly but eventually. Commercials, friends, your community, you name it. This is where you also start your real experience with the external world. After being raised among people who have unconditionally loved you, and after you were always the one in control of whom to befriend and who to just discard their whole existence. You start looking for yourself in the eyes of others, and somehow you’re not sure anymore who you are. The world outside has the total opposite of what you were accustomed too, people lie and backbite, call each other names, deceive, doubt, laziness, conceit, showy, pretentious, hatred, holding grudges, materialistic, competition, envy and the list goes on and on. You’re shocked of how things could be that bad, and you start learning through experiences, and you change even more. However, the only constant is the kinder that you’re after. Now it’s about creating an updated copy of yourself, how to become a second version of your new universe

Money is always the answer for everything you need to validate your existence and add value to who you are. Whatever money can buy is always good, do things that you don’t like, do what everyone else is doing. Because you need a constant validation from everyone around you, yet the kinder is never there. Then if you’re lucky at some point you are reborn, could be your 30s, 40s, 50s or never! At this particular turning point, you start searching for yourself and start unlearning and getting back to the child inside you, and this is when you realize that you’ve always had the kinder, you just never unwrapped the aluminum cover!

“It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child” – Pablo Picasso

Next time you see a child, ask them the forbidden question you never dared to ask for yourself.. be sure you’ll get the answer, and it will be right. They are never wrong!

Till next time!

the quantum you..

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I am no physicist but more of a wonderer about the beauty of the universe. I try to educate myself more about the universe through metaphysics and spirituality. I do believe though that they do resonate with one another and have a lot in common more than not. Looking back in time about founders of many different sciences, one could witness a leap in discoveries in the golden age of Islam – 12th century – that was built upon the relics of their counterpart Greek philosophers as Aristotle. What feature the renaissance of this epoch were the intentions to better understand God through his magnificent work of the universe – we only understand God by his operations or as Hindus believed that we know God by what he is not – along with their openness to other cultures. They knew that to better understand God and his great work, you have to look at the universe from opposing perspectives; therefore they excelled in astrology, poetry, physics and philosophy along with their mystic beliefs that led them to new pinnacles at their time. Through different sciences, they first found the resemblance and connections between different perspectives pointing at the same thing and thereafter asked the right questions

The universe is a shy bride the doesn’t lift its veil until it observes that the observer is kind, and affectionate at heart

Take the world by constantly applying non-interference
The one who interferes is not qualified to take the world

Those who wish to take the world and control it
I see that they cannot succeed
The world is a sacred instrument
One cannot control it
The one who controls it will fail
The one who grasps it will lose

So one who values the self as the world
Can be given the world
One who loves the self as the world
Can be entrusted with the world

What I have for you is just an open question to the mystery of entanglement, as I believe that the language – as human-made – is somehow limiting and might be obliterating assumptions, therefore leading us astray from finding the answers to the dilemma of entangled atoms and how the probability has always worked. The universe which is a perfect creation of God, cannot be questioned, or fathomed by a human-made language, can the created put the creators into words the. In other words, God reveals things to humans on the right time and only to the one who can be trusted the universe. Somehow we only see the world that is useful to us. Maybe there are different levels of perceptions to understand the construct of the universe. What might be really obstructing us, is challenging the foundation of everything built upon existing sciences. It took Einstein a lot of time and guts to challenge Newton’s theory. I see that we always should  be open to the idea that all possibilities are possible, but some may just not make sense in relation to time and should be accordingly dropped. Above all, there’s no period to be placed after any giving discovery of a myth or understanding. We will keep knowing new things all the time and we should be open to the possibility of destructing and giving up the old in order to give space to the new to be found

The man is indispensable for the completion of creation; that, in fact, he himself is the second creator of the world.. Half of the world which comes into existence only when we become conscious of it..The limits of my language are the limits of my world..

We’ve been given everything necessary, every resource and faculties to meet any conceivable circumstance where we may become involved.. the challenge is knowing where to look, in such distracting universe it’s a daunting task to keep focus

Most thoughts have no basis in reality. Doubt is the root of all wisdom. Doubt your beliefs, and then doubt your doubts.

  • The challenge that quantum mechanics fires that the universe is a subjective experience, and everything is created based on the power of it’s observed/influencer. Maybe we should desert the classical questions, and should start asking differently
    • When you expect the atom on one hand to be up, it goes up as you manifest it as an energy being. The law of manifestation
    • Maybe it’s both going up and going down at the same time. Observing a state may mean that you’re disregarding observing the other
    • Maybe they are all happening at the same time; in a confined space-time we are only observing a confined slice of the same thing. This is why other happenings cannot be seen
    • There has to be one source of collective conscious that makes us see and perceive everything the same way. However, at certain times people seem to freely transcend through space-time and see things. Mostly when they quieten their vibrations, or thoughts through meditation or during deep sleep. This is when they break the boundaries “for the mind that is still, the universe surrenders”
    • Maybe all possibilities are there, the same as our future and our past. All are equally true, but being locked in these particular space-time confines your view, and this is why eastern philosophy always says that eternal now is all there is, and that past and future are just concepts as they are equally true, but only inaccessible. Which makes me think that someone as Einstein may unknowingly had the ability to break through his own space-time and observed other slices of himself resolving the dilemma of relativity, he was able to transcend himself to the future during his walks and visualize
  • Similarities between quantum physics and some paranormal activities..
    • Telepathy, when you think of someone and they call you. Someone looking at you from behind. It’s energy
    • Up and down of entangled atoms is the core of how the universe is constructed on duality, head and tail or polarity

At the core of every happening on earth, I see a similarity between many behaviors. It’s fun to find the connections.

  • If you can create a computer that computes  faster than the speed of light, what would happen?
  • If time is a subjective experience, when you’re in love, why your perception of time goes faster? Is it related to energy? Is it happening from your perspective? Is it happening to everything you touch? Does really experience of time changes with energy?
  • The same when you’re doing something you really love? Are you really transcended or slip into a different universe, or a parallel universe without knowing?
  • The same with meditation? The perception of time that changes according to your moods, has to be related to your energy? First need to proof that it affects all other aspects of your life or not? Or do you really transcended or teleported to a parallel universe without knowing?
  • Does this mean that we might be able to transcend ourselves through time, but it’s just that we don’t know that it happens, as our perception is always looked into now?
  • Can we control this or in other words transcend ourselves on-demand? If we could control such energy, or master creating or depleting it to go back and forth and carry such information with us?
  • Is it true that all concepts of time are equally valid, that when we visualize things it may mean that we consciously transcend our energy to the future to bring the inspiration from our future self?
  • We might be already going back and forth through time without knowing, this means that we are eternal being looping in the same start/end. That even when we die other stances of ourselves are still there? But this would mean that the universe is limited though and doesn’t evolve. Or there might be a definite universe with start and end, and we are just locked in or confined into it, and because we don’t know we just do things that have somehow been done already.
  • Energy is confined in a certain system and it keeps bouncing back and forth and it’s being exchanged with other beings and objects but it doesn’t deplete

Maybe it’s about time to embrace all possibilities and engage people from different perspectives to talk and discuss how they wish to move forward with Quantum Physics research. Same like old days, it should be observed rather than be constricted to numbers, formulas and theories. Different approaches and views should be all embraced from the different fields. I see the informations are scattered out there with different thinkers at different fields, they just need to be brought altogether to create a new understanding of how we should be observing our universe

I personally see that the answers are out there, but first we need to ask the right questions. To do so, we have to first agree that language as human-made medium can only be used as an instrument like a fishnet; you throw it away once done, as this frees us from the world of concepts and make us more open for finding new connections. In that sense, the world is much bigger to understand at once.

Through the eastern philosophy of Buddhism and Zen have addressed the mistake we orthodoxly fell for, observing such a wiggling world by chopping the universe to bits and pieces to better understand. That the more we magnify, the more it’s far from making sense, though in the bigger scheme of things are perfectly fitting and in order. We just have to zoom out in time to better understand

The above excerpts are from Zen Tao Ching poems, and the very first is by Rumi. Somehow the philosophers and spiritual teachings new things have reverse-engineered the universe, as they devoutly connected with the universe passionately, and they didn’t care much about proving anything to anyone. On the one hand they were not attached to the results that they were given an abundance of findings through their traditional try-and-error methodology, as they mastered harnessing their left and right hemispheres of their brain without judging, or refuting any suggestion or question. They didn’t care too much about validating their answers, yet cared more to advance in its implications and connecting it with the other pieces they’ve got

I could personally see that in order to come with new findings about Quantum Mechanics, we have to have collective consciousness, we need to first talk about what are the things in question, which I believe in this case could come down to a definite list of (Space-time, energy, frequency, vibrations, and matter) and invite different scholars of empirical and non-empirical sciences. As philosophers, poets, met physicists, mathematicians, biologists, astrologist, archeologist. Then weekly workshops can be held with the intentions of finding connections and founding new questions to ask, that may in turn inspire the empirical scientists to first find connections between things that behaves in a certain way in some spiritual teachings and come up with some predicted behaviors, therefore can learn to ask new questions that may lead to new discoveries. So instead of chopping the universe into small pieces and get it out of other factors influencing its behavior, we can step back and look at things from a collectively-further perspectives. We all have the answers, first we need to unify the language and the domain of our search, then we can start over..

Confusing, but may lead somewhere.. who knows?!

Till next time!

behind the veil of thoughts..

maternDo we always need to think about what to do? Is it about knowing what to do? Is life about unfolding your destiny? Or is it about creating your destiny? Do I really need to think or just to follow my guts? Where are my limits? or in other words, when should I cease from control and stop resisting and follow the path before me?

At first it may seem like a lot of question, but after a second look you will find that they are around the same thing, in life should I drive or be driven? Our societies have largely convicted being driven, and for ages been trying to emancipate us from the shackles of slavery, and created a broad range of shackles that comes in different colors and fits every single taste on earth. It’s even fashionable and can get along with your personal taste, it looks so shiny and bright that you could be personally fooled to think that it’s serving you than limiting your abilities. The result was amazing, nice people with colorful shackles unhappily living their lives thinking they are free

The shackles were clear to be the need for control through conformity, same education, world production of anything on earth are in the hands of few people. Literally everything, from cars to phones, to electronic gadgets, to strategic foods, to education, to commercials etc.. and they are all backed with big governments ensuring that these shackles are always renovated to match the varying tastes of growing generations and existing. All aiming for one goal, conformity of everyone.. for the sake of control, then you lose yourself during the process and become a second version of everyone else, and you go wasted unexplored

We become so obsessed with thinking, and thinking about thinking. Our happiness is always entangled with conditions that are like a distant mirage, you learn how to be ungrateful and how to resist everything and just ask and strive for more. The more of anything would do, more of leisure, more of materials, more of owning things and stuff, clothing to degrees, to certificates, more fake friends, more travel, more working hours, more money, more validations, more acknowledgement.. just more and more of anything and everything that everyone has, and you never know when to stop and be thankful, or to stop and reflect do I really need all this in my life? is this really me? is this what I really want? We live in a world of excess and exaggeration.. Nothing is meant to be enjoyed unless it’s excess, even on our grief,  our thinking, analyzing, science, exploring, sad moments, anger and devastation we also tend to be extreme even on our emotions. We refuse to take anything given to us at face value, every single thing has to be chopped into million pieces, scrutinized, analyzed and tested then we can get to decide how to feel about it. During the process, we usually tend to forget why we were doing this at the first place, and end up forgetting about the whole thing

While we are busy, how many potentials of ourselves are we discarding?

What if we put our exaggerating mind to the side, and started following our guts, and listened more to our universe calling us for assistance, we are agents of the universe at the end of the day and as we are over consumed exaggerating everything about life we turn deaf and stop realizing our calling. Because they tend to come from inside and usually doesn’t have any reasoning or logical connotations to it..

If we relied more on our guts and utilized our thinking to help us in understanding the universe so that we can flow and live with it and stop trying to dominate it like now. If we stopped hasting and running through life like crazy maniacs for no good reason but to get at the pace of everyone else. If we stopped exploiting others which are ourselves at the end and gave everything its due attention, more meaningful communication, and more deep listening and genuine help to everyone instead of just our closed circle. If we learned how to moderately run our lives and drop the logical reasoning and thinking, and framing every possible situation to our expectations. If we let things go on its own without forcing our selfishness will upon the universe to conform to our needs and desires. If we slowed the pace a bit and stopped multitasking and doing what everyone else is doing as we have falsely believed that we are competing with everyone but ourselves. If we learned to live your life and let others do the same without forcing your opinions or rules on everyone else. If we let things happen on its own and stopped worrying and rushing over time. If we stopped measuring every single aspect of our lives and bring them down to numbers and illusory goals that are far from being countable. If we stopped counting and keeping record or track of what happens, if we stopped planning and acted on everything regardless of its anticipated output. If we just can drop our anxieties about the concepts of future, and our overthinking and depression about the past. If only we do that things that are true and ourselves and meaningful to us without regarding anyone’s opinion. If only we let the diversity of every single human blossom and flourish and know deep inside that the universe too needs someone who would care enough to save the endangered animals with the same compassion of the other one who’s trying to help a human in need. If only we stop interrupting the universe in doing it’s chores, without asking questions at all

If only we let the universe be..

Till next time!

Swept under the rug..

surfriding

“Ok, now you’ve been colonizing the podium for quite sometime, that you almost left no room for me anymore. Even worse, you denied my whole existence and forgot the contrast I give you in life” said my other self, the negative self that dwells into thinking and delivers me the most unwanted feelings. It’s now accusing me that I’ve been taking over her role with my daily positive affirmations and meditation. For once it has decided to signify her existence. These are the feelings that I’ve been long denying and been sweeping under the rug, long enough to form this bulge at the corner of it, and I stumble upon it every single day!

The normal state of human is happiness, happiness not in the thrilled sense of most, but the peacefulness of mind.. the eyes of wonder on the single petty matters of life, the enjoyment of performing the mundane chores with your hands like cooking, cleaning, washing and even shaving my head. They say that the normal state of human’s mind is like the space in its vastness, emptiness and wholeness. It contains everything but holds on to nothing. The space contains the galaxies, the planets and the stars and all other undiscovered objects, can you hammer in a nail into the space? No, yet the space contains the nail and everything else. It’s attached to nothing, this is why it has everything!

It’s your mind and the colors that you choose every day in other words you have been habituated to use with certain circumstances, events and things in life. You’re too anxious that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to define everything and put names to it, and it’s a quite tedious task to do. Language is human-made, and we use it to identify things, people and objects while in nature they are just as they are, not necessarily good or bad, black or white. Just things and they would remain the same things even after you associate good connotations to it, or even bad ones, cause it doesn’t matter..

But the universe is way much significant to care about your naming and language that you’ve limited your perception to it, language is created by a creature created by an almighty creator. How can a creature be able to describe his creator using his creature-made-language? This is why you had to chop the creator into bits and pieces, things and events so that you can examine and have fun naming every part of the puzzle with a made-up name. But on the way you forgot at the first place that this was just a piece of the puzzle, and by cutting it off the bigger picture and overanalyzing it will definitely lead you astray. You’re so consumed with knowing the next piece of the puzzle before you’re even done with analyzing with the existing piece at hand. That you forgot when you examine this piece that has been taken out of its environment it will be an erroneous explanation, it’s a piece in relation to a whole. What the hell did you just do? Get up and look at me as a whole, I am not the small piece, I am the universe talking to you!

I finally decided to look under the rug and see what I’ve been sweeping under for some time, it was scary at the beginning but once I left the corner of the rug, and took a long gaze that felt like ages, I started speaking out myself..

I am not happy now, somehow how I missed the beginning of the day.. I know a lot of things about how to make me at peace with my thoughts, but I still see that I need to see some evidence of the good I sow for some time now, and I am stuck at this piece of the puzzle where I no longer understand where I am in relation to what I’ve been working towards. I am losing ground and I am fucked up that I am failing at realizing the filled half of the glass. I need help, I need some confirmations and someone telling me my worth and my value. Of my weakness and helplessness I confess, for I am a Godly creature but I need directions too. I need affirmations from the sun that it needs my existence that for my existence also means its existence. I need a reciprocated feelings of gratitude for the plant that I water ever day. I need to receive my thanks for being good, for that I continue to give even more. Yes, I am the weak self and the ego that needs some all that, and it’s ok. For I am the one who gives him the contrast he needs to realize the real meaning of happiness, and peace of mind..

Will you give to me what I am asking for?

Till next time!

how does it feel inside my head..

girl swirling hair

The past two days have not been the best in sometime, I fell off my rhythm and I could not get a hold of what happened differently and I realized that I had to skip my early meditation to catch up with something else, and this has greatly helped me in not grasping the bigger picture of things, and I drastically fell for the small pieces that I have intentionally magnified 10x and made it appear like a grandiose problem of  my life.. it was fine that the only notable difference I made was my mindful observation from outside myself, of how absurd was my thinking!

Today I am much better than yesterday, today I know that I have to go through these days as part of the regular cycle of ups and downs, I just have to rock the bottom before I am able to rock the stars. I wouldn’t know of happiness if I didn’t taste some unhappy moments. The very funny thing that I mindfully did in the morning that when I was mindfully talking with God and asking him to give me a hand and make my days better, I started with acknowledging the abundance of givings I am entrusted with, then when it was time to ask for something, I literally stumbled and grinned.. cause I didn’t know what to ask for when I already have everything. That I continued my meditation normally afterward..

Inside my head there is you and other daily things.. it was your birthday today and it makes me happy just to witness you growing before me, well.. this is one of the things I am always thankful for that it happened. It might have been short, but for me it was deep enough to get through my bones, sometimes I feel ok when I think about you.. some other times I feel more than ok that I enjoy you from afar and that I can survive like that for a little bit longer. But then I remember when I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday, I tremble, hesitate and still get these butterflies.. and these feelings never failed me with every encounter of you up to this moment.. and to be honest, I sympathize with you cause I know how you hate such encounters of me, and causes you a more flight rather than fight moments, I secretly sometimes wish to obliterate myself from your life and make it easier for you. that I secretly asked for your forgiveness before the tweet of the year, “Sorry, It’s your birthday, and I love to celebrate it.. it’s just one day every year”

Well, it was another moment to acknowledge that my feelings are genuine and still strong and I am happy that I had to let them out as soon as they arrive, this is what feelings are for to express not to repress.. for now, I will let these feelings wash over me.. it’s a day to celebrate an imperfectly perfect creation of God to you.. may God bliss you!

Till next time!

now and zen!

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Outward circumstances are no substitute for inner experience. I can understand myself only in the light of inner happenings..

As I’ve been always and foremost interested in watching myself, I found that I’ve been adopting parts of Zen over the past few  years. However, since I’ve lost a relationship that I revered the most, followed by a loss of my job; I’ve consciously decided to take different reactions than the default ones that I’ve long been conditioned for. It all started with acceptance and calmness, in an attempt to find my calling through the noise of life..

The past year without a job has given me an abundance of time to redo everything with the universe pace and without hustling or rushing anything. It let me examine the real pace of life, me going with time, as I always thought that the real human-made battle is the one between time enforced by the universe and his patience to endure the time to pass. It’s the fight between now, and the so promised then is the land of happiness, which was confirmed later to be utterly silly

Zen reading has started with following @dailyzen first, it was only for the quotes they are posting, it took me quite a while to start reading the blog itself. As everything else when it starts falling in place, 3 months ago I started one of my regular 10 days detox but this time I decided that I need some spiritual cleansing next to it, where I thought that meditation should be the natural offspring for this approach. It was not so long before I stumbled upon a dailyzen for Alan Watts podcast. For me, this was a hell of a real beginning to understand more about Zen through Alan Watts. I could say that I could relate him with Louise Hay and her great book “You can heal your life” that I read earlier, and  the understanding kept going with Abraham Hicks which has also completed the bigger picture of my personal understanding of how things work

Over the past 3 months meditation has drastically helped me in learning the art of letting-go of everything, the society conditioning, and the general conditioning I’ve forced upon life in order to be happy, my demands and endless list of things I wanted and expected from others, and the universe, and almost nothing from myself. In this approach, things were in the reversed order. First the life that I am conscious of now starts from inside me, outwardly to the universe which also involves others. I made sure that all the fixing and the repair that needed to happen was the things inside, the inside furniture of my spirit, to dust off, repair the floor, paint the ceilings, open the curtains, clean the mirrors. It was a lot of internal work that I never felt it was too much as long as I was committed to the process of meditation, honestly it was not a hard work at all. I enjoyed every bit of it, till now as the process is endless!

Meditation and daily affirmations have let me handle the rope of my day from the early beginning. That I could to a great extent to experience unconditional happiness that struck me through the day, on different occasions, while driving, while working out, while meditating, it made all the daily chores very enjoyable. Meditation has made me start new habits, commit and follow all the way through easily, now I am also eating healthy everyday and enjoy the daily making of my salads and mostly vegetarian dietary. I lost resistance for anything, I only ponder and try to see what’s in it for me, I try and do my own thing, I am not passive, but I’ve learned how to preserve my energy and direct it effectively to my doing. I’ve long-term goals, but I have no idea yet how to get there. But I am much more concerned about the next step, because this is where I am going. I detached from anxieties and the wishful thinking, I know deep inside that I am able to attract everything that I will need for the next step. It’s the feelings of inside peace where you’re not running from, or running after anything. Just flowing with the universe

You’re different, just like everyone else

I also got to learn that there’s nothing to look for outside, you’ve got everything you need and you are abundant on your own. You need not people’s validation, or approval to start being yourself. You need not anything materialistic to start being content and happy, you’re always in the right place, cause as much as you need the universe, the universe also needs you to get things done through you. You just need to have faith, a faith, not a belief – a belief is a personal judgment. The universe promises you that as soon as you drop your expectations, your conditioning, from “what you think it should be” to “it’s already here, how can I perceive it” you’ll find that you’ve always been there, but you never knew cause you never looked around, acknowledge and appreciated what you already have

I’ve always imagined attachments, whether they are relationships, materialistic, or emotional are like your own luggage that you keep dragging behind you wherever you go. It always gives you the feelings that you’re always traveling to an undetermined place, and that you’ll never arrive.. and it’s true..

For me, I always know that I am complete, I have everything that I need for the next step, and everything that I want to be happy.. I am always complete for now, I am already here, and there’s no other place I’d rather be but here and now..

Till next time..