between thinking and doing

cwuzrg-weaiwa5q

In a world where energy is a sparse commodity, it is an imperative question about how your energy is being spent every day, and how can you spend it more wisely. Simply put, your five-sensory system “Sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch” are what is used to expend or receive energy from the outside world. You use them to explore your universe and surf between different experiences throughout the day. Every night, you shut them down during your sleep to recharge and get ready for the next day. In over polluted countries people suffer from hypertension and heart dis-eases and sometimes ADHD due to the continuous and unnecessary stimulus of multi-senses that leave you feeling drained and overwhelmed at the first few hours of your day that has just started!

Generally speaking, we have two kinds of consciousness. The “spotlight” and the other is the “floodlight.” The spotlight consciousness is what we call conscious attention, which means fixating your focus and directing your energy towards your senses to the task at hand. While the floodlight consciousness can manage to drive the car and notice all the stoplights, the other idiots on the road while having a conversation with your friend without even thinking about it.

At personal, organizational, and societal level, we tend to focus on and value “spotlight” learning much more highly than “floodlight” learning. The spotlight perspective dominates the world of degrees, certificates, and even much of the self-help literature focuses on the spotlight. Things tend to be easier to see, understand and manage in the spotlight. However, But being aware of and regularly tuning into floodlight learning is increasingly important in a world where we are bombarded daily with information and influences, where we have a bewildering array of choices about how and with whom we interact. So much of learning is driven by context and circumstances – whether we choose them or they are thrust upon us, but we do not often think critically about our context and circumstances.

To wander from place to place in this transitory world is to pursue “name”. A person is born naked. But then he is given a name, registered, and covered with clothes, and a nipple is stuffed into his mouth, and so on. When he grows up you say, “He is great, strong, clever, rich.” You find consolation only in words. In fact, everyone is just naked.

Your 2-million-year-old brain is not designed to make you happy, it is designed to make you survive, and it’ll always be looking for what’s wrong. Because it’s the characteristic of the spotlight consciousness to ignore stimuli that is constant, when anything is constant it assumes it’s safe, that it does not pay attention to it anymore – that is absorbed through our floodlight – around us all the time and instead we turn our focus on our troubles that might happen to us. But we make too much of it, that we identify ourselves with the radar, the spotlight, its main focus is the myopic view. Yet we end up eliminating all the gorgeous things, all the happening and all the learning that comes from the floodlight, which captures the bigger picture of our lives.

You get your energy up by getting out of your head and doing things, especially things that scare you the most. The power to control the environment, and those within it, is power over what can be felt, smelled, tasted, heard or seen. This type of power is external power. External power can be acquired or lost, as in the stock market or an election. It can be bought or stolen, transferred or inherited. It is a thought of as something that can be gotten from someone else, or somewhere else. One person’s gain of external power is perceived as another person’s loss.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate

Meditation helps you to combat this tendency to think negatively and brings consciousness to your life. During meditation, you consciously choose to lessen the stimuli of your five senses by focusing on your breathing. Meditation cultivates your consciousnesses muscle. Being conscious means being aware of your both spotlight and floodlight consciousness altogether, while alternating between them and taking cues from both. It has the power to make you hold a conversation with your friend and observing their non-verbal communication, their facial expressions, and your surrounding as well; which will help you adjust your conversation smoothly as you go. It’s about observing yourself from the outside and being more aware of your thoughts that fuel your emotions which influence your actions without running out of breath. It’s seeing the flower along with its thorns and realizing that both constitute the flower.

Meditation helps us cut this toxic mindset off at the root rather than hacking at the branches. Meditation helps you to be more conscious, when you are conscious you use your mind to focus that the senses follow. When you are unconscious, your mind follows your senses. Your meditation helps you to spot the patterns of your toxic thoughts, and help you take a different path when faced with unnecessary thoughts. The quality of your thoughts follows the quality of your consciousness.

Let go, or be dragged

The floodlight consciousness and the extraordinary capacity of the nervous system to comprehend situations instantaneously without analysis, that is to say without verbal or numerical symbolism of the situation in order to understand it, we have this pure possibility of pattern recognition. This is why humans by nature are good with associations and bad with reasoning. Because we normally know about doing things without inherently knowing how we do them.

In a world overflowed with information and things to attend do, subscribe or follow; our attention is becoming a very expensive commodity that everyone seeks. Ads for instance work hard on exploiting as many senses as they can, they repeatedly hack your spotlight consciousness, and subtly exploit your floodlight consciousness through hearing, smell, and other senses. So that every time you use their product, multi-senses are stimulated with an exhilarating experience. The more the senses triggered, the more connections created to the product, the more loyal you become a blind follower to the product.

We have an enormous potential of intelligence of knowing how to do all sort of things which to the extent that we are academically minded people we won’t allow ourselves to do it because we don’t know how we do it because we can’t explain it. Like opening and closing your hands without any knowledge of physiology. A fully functioning person is a person who knows very well how to think things out, but he makes his best discoveries without thinking.

Both sides of the spectrum is the spectrum

Do not be fooled by your personal breakthrough because of deep thinking; I do not personally agree with the term “deep thinker” that I would rather term it as “deep observer.” Your mind always know what to do, most of the time the problem has to do with you standing in the way by claiming to think. You have to remember that on any decision making, there are always an infinite amount of data and information to take. The only reason you decide to do something is that your time is up, not because you have had a deep realization.

Ponder upon the unprecedented advancement of Ancient Egyptians, the spring of the Greek Philosophers, who paved the way to the renaissance led by Islamic Golden Age who lacked the abundance of information that we have today. Their multi-disciplinary knowledge, single tasking ability and life free from inessentials coupled with their guts; were the real reasons for their big strides in establishing the foundations of Modern Philosophy, Mathematics, Astrology, and Medicine. Information does not equate knowledge, knowledge is the art of knowing what to ignore.

Malcolm Gladwell has dedicated his whole book, Blink, to talk about Thinking Without Thinking. He mentions endless real life stories about how humans used their guts to achieve greatness, and also to survive dangerous situations. In real danger, human body tends to witness a spike in adrenaline, and racing heartbeat above 150 bpm; some senses automatically shut down to save the energy for other senses needed for survival, and how victims of live shootings were able to navigate their escape in unfamiliar territories. Your floodlight consciousness continuously surveys your surroundings to register all the details of your environment for any future reference as in a case of real danger.

“Mind the gap” there is always a gap between who you think you are “spotlight” and who you really are “floodlight.” Being conscious of this gap is what distinguish your capacity for growth or not. When we do not understand who we are, and consistently fail to see ourselves from the inside, we fail to give ourselves the proxy to exist; instead, we tend to cling to externalities and rely on others and objects to give us our daily intake of power, we end up hoarding any sort of thing from feelings to material thinking that their presence will diminish our inherent feelings of fear and our tendency for survival. We rely on people, objects, and possession to give us the power we are missing from inside. To possess something can mean to be possessed by that thing. When the things we accumulated through need have actually bound our freedom, we can say that subject and object have traded places and we become the object of possession.

So next time you think about thinking, get out of your own mind and start doing. An experiment is the only means of knowledge at our disposal. Everything else is poetry, imagination.

Till next time

Failure

cuba-sea

I could see that over the past year with the great depression happening in our globe from daily bombing, unfortunate events, to wars and recession – which represents different levels of failure. Many have tried to stop stigmatizing failure and started to openly discuss its attributes, and how important failure is to our growth; like ailments, to stimulate the body to develop its own immune system. Failure my friends is a medal of honor to be worn rather than hid.

Sunshine all the time makes a desert

Eastern philosophy has existed for thousands of years, throughout its simple anecdotes that strike the mind, it showed us how to see the fabrics of our universe and experience the depth of it by reflecting on its simplest forms from the flower to the dung. We all have come to agree that universe is as it is because of the yin and yang. These opposites are contrasts, but also complements and in this sense dependent upon one another.

Meaning that you would not know it is a day unless you have seen the night, you would not discern the color white without seeing it against others; you would not know happiness unless you have experienced unhappiness, so on and so forth. You would not know you are a success unless you have experienced failure, or as it is historically illustrated through Joseph vision about the 7 fat cows followed by the 7 lean cows. The art of life, so far as these opposites affect us, is to establish a proper equilibrium between them.

Failure is information, failure is feedback; failure is the tail of the coin. I wonder how we openly accept failure when we call it “training” that we happily go every single day to practice a new sport, expecting to fail because we call it training, yet when it comes to new ventures we become resentful and give up at the first failure?! Why so hard on yourself? Why are you not tolerating yourself the same way in life as in sports? Why are you stuck in language and absurd definitions?

Thoughts >> Emotions >> Actions

Every day some 50-60 thousand thoughts go through our head, where 95% are repeated thoughts. Thoughts create your emotions, and emotions influence your actions. Imagine recalling a horrific incident in your life and look at your body reacts the same way as if the incident is happening now. This is how powerful your thoughts are. Emotions are energy in motion when you repress it circles back in your blood stream and causes your body ailments. Short-term repressed emotions may cause coughing, cold, sinus. Long-term repressed emotions like resentment cause cancer. Your body, your ailments; own your thoughts or they will always take you on a ride. How? Meditation in its simplest forms works perfectly in observing your thoughts, and as long as 10 minutes every single day.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears

Perseverance is the art of letting go of expectations without letting go of actions. No wonder you are not making any progress and have a hard time adopting a new habit, no matter how many self-help books you have read and how many quotes you have tweeted, yet no noticeable change from the core. You’re thinking and talking a lot about it, the more you dwell on thinking, the more you expend energy and the more you are thinking about thinking, the more you grandiose the obstacles, the less likely you are to do anything. Just do it, leap and the net will appear. “Experiment is the only means of knowledge at our disposal. Everything else is poetry, imagination”

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving

Ancient mystics remind us that the journey is the destination, and yet we persist in trying to make the journey about the destination. Why do we do this? The other side of the problem is obsessing with goals. Goal setting, in fact, impedes you from achieving anything worthwhile rather than achieving. When you set a goal and usually bound it to a milestone and arrive to the milestone; either you will give up because you’ve achieved your goal, or you will give up because you couldn’t. If you do things for results, you will be disappointed. And then you’ll probably give up. When you fixate your eyes on the goal, you miss the journey of continuous learning, you miss the opportunity to change your goal and expand it to something bigger as you go. Ditch goal setting and do things for their own sake. Have a purpose but not a goal. This way your work will never come to an end because the goal is constantly changing but the purpose is fixed. Japanese has a philosophy about never ending goals, Kaizen is a Japanese word for constant and never-ending improvement.

How I apply it to my work? I have a purpose to creating simple and nimble products, through connecting the dots of existing technologies, aiming to service the less fortunate hemisphere of our universe. This is always at the back of my head when I am developing my products, I don’t have either the intention or the power to have a product that I will call it final. I will release the product when it’s ready, but I will keep enhancing it as I go according to the market and customers’ feedback.

Creative ideas show their value to unlock unintelligible connections of facts, allowing man to penetrate deeper into the mystery of life

Humans are known to be bad at reasoning, and good at associations. Meaning that we are always good at observing and realizing patterns rather than getting down to the reason behind why it is happening. We worship the goddess of reasoning, and with it, we create unintelligible connections of facts and call it the truth. Our building blocks become gridlocked with our confined thinking because we based it on associations rather than reasoning. Scientology has unconsciously influenced us that only the things that we can prove, put into language, or prove through equation exists. The sun does not care if you observe it or not, it will still shine, we have to remember that language is human-made and no matter how many words we create to describe what we are observing through our five senses, would always remain short of what true nature really is. Assuming you are still utilizing your five senses in nature, rather than being engrossed into its 4K UHD digital version of it!

Getting out of your own way requires understanding how you surf your life through your judgmental senses and blocks of labels that you have unconsciously built through the years, after many years of societal and religious conditioning that has greatly helped in forming your confined 50-60 thoughts that slowly progress – if ever – as a tortoise in a desert. How would you know which life decisions are yours and which are your society? Meditate.

You have to be on one of two camps; either you only have high IQ and highly influenced by your first impressions – most likely conditioned by your society – and it takes a very long time to alter your first impression. Your first impression is the initial judgment and it acts like the filter you see things through; it reframes all the situations to fit your first impression. On the other hand, you are high on EQ and your first impression initially formed to help see things through, yet your five senses are highly alerted in absorbing new information and realizing patterns of behavior and attitude that help you in updating/altering your initial judgment. It is clear that the latter has better chances thriving and flourishing among others than the former.

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so

Forming new habits is no easy task, it requires the paradigm shift in perspective to appreciate and understand that there are no shortcuts to a good life. In a world submerged with information, we think we are intelligent but we are not. We come to surf life through Google lenses, instant gratification or I am not doing. We have forgotten that in order for one thing to happen, millions of factors are working in the background. With our leaps in science technology, we only have come to know at best is 4% of our universe, yet we act like we know it inside out, assuming that trees should bend for us and conform to our expectations.

Cells that fire together, wire together

The 21 days of forming new habits is a result of observing, that the average time the brain takes to wire a new habit, this also includes unwiring old habits. We form habits when we are not at peace with our thoughts, to escape and avoid our restless mind, and repress the turmoil of our emotions. When we activate one of our senses, we easily turn our focus outwardly to the activated sense at hand. The more senses you activate, the more you evade your elusive mind. Some go to smoking – activates touch, smelling, and hearing. Some use eating – activates smelling, hearing, and tasting. Some use music – activates hearing. Some use sex – engages the five senses.

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Student: “Master, you can’t pour anything into my cup until I empty it to make room for what you are trying to give me.”

Master: “Yes I know, and I can’t give you any new thoughts or ideas or perspectives on life’s lessons until you clear out some thoughts that are already teeming in your mind to make room for what I have to teach you. If you truly seek understanding, then first, empty your cup!”

Your mind can’t do its job if it’s filled with inflexible ideologies and judgments. Forming new habits means also decluttering your life from unnecessary wants by detaching from things that pull you down, be it emotions, unused gadgets, wares, clothing, and habits. You have to first empty your cup before you can pour new things into it, or it will simply spillover other parts of your life.

Forming a new habit reminds me of organ transplant, at the beginning, you do the basic analysis to check the environment “Personality and current habits” before you transplant the organ “new habit” to minimize the possibility of rejection by the environment. Throughout the early 21 days, you use Immunosuppressive to reduce the possibility of rejecting the new habit – the mind. Seen as the fine-tuning of the organ in the new environment, a little bit to the left or right in space-time to ensure the least resistance with maximum benefit. The more you reduce the pain points and eliminate resistance by not getting in your own way, the more likely you are to succeed.

“You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do”

Another factor you should consider completely before forming new habits is they fit in in relation to others. Sometimes two opposing habits co-exist – and cause dichotomy – and some other times they initially co-exist until one gets stronger and expels the other outside of the environment inviting more habits alike the newly adapted ones. All of us harbor at least nine other employable selves – currently languishing outside of the paid job market. What other selves have you compromised on your way to fit it?

 

my fortune teller

cuba chick

On the 8th of September 2016, a Thai the fortune teller who lives in Penang, Malaysia told me about things on the way to happening in my life in the upcoming period. Most of it has been making sense already and it’s worth taking a note of it so that I won’t forget.

Starting April 2016 till April 2017 things will start getting better for me after 3-4 years of retrograde in my life where many have tried stabbing me in the back. Starting April this year I had Amman training and the other temporary job that finally has come to an end, my professional life is set to boom and my focus should be on software. I have a boss’s life and next job I should consider to take it easy on probation period, I may come across two opportunities where one of them will be an older boss who will let me do things my way, I should choose him over the younger boss who will be more of a peer and may give me hard time due to conflict over power.

I can work and do two jobs next to one another, should an offer arises that I should accept the most lucrative with an older boss, as things are not smooth along with my mother, my sustenance is set to be abundant outside my home country, travel is favored for more sustenance and I should take heed this month for small accidents, joint problems or health issues that’s next to my chronic problems with unhappy stomach. December will have a bigger concern with a bigger accident that will hurt me, yet i should recover from it. January 2017 onward I shall meet someone who will help me out with my business. In a year or two, I should prepare myself for another venture that will be lucrative if I took it seriously, the new venture will be around chemicals – maybe I should start a weed company – alcohol, food and beverage industry or a restaurant, and I should take opportunities coming along my way to get ready for the next opportunity. My particular approach and my bossy nature will help me to succeed in this.

My bossy attitude and my long-term stomach problems, kindness yet not taking shit from anyone trying to control me, striving for perfection, and my deep attention to details and commitment to responsibilities are big determining traits to how my life will turn out to be in the next few years on the personal and business levels. My personal life is set to be in a distant relationship with my best friend with kids mostly surrounding me, my woman might be older than me to understand my freedom to be uncontrolled and she might also be older than me, this also should be my focus after 1 to 2 years from now.

In hindsight, most of what she said made sense to me. How true this is, I have no clue..

Till next time!

failure.. the opposite side of success

stepped hopeProbably when we talk about success, I am the last to teach you about how to succeed. Nevertheless, I can tell you a lot about my failures that I have been amassing along the way.

2 years since have passed by since I last had an office job where I had a plenty of space to fail repeatedly on several fronts. I am not the first to talk about failure, and I am sure that I will not be the last.

  • Over 600+ job applications with all the kind of resume updates “short, long, pain letter, and through my LinkedIn contacts” to no avail.
  • Failure in winning 50+ incubation applications.
  • Failure in finishing my own idea creation from 4 months to a year.
  • Failure in knowing when to quit toxic relationships.
  • Failure in turning back from hired freelance jobs.
  • Failure in estimating the time and costs for executing the projects.
  • Failure in realizing my real network of supporters from pretentious.
  • Failure to estimate the time taken to develop an idea from ideation to execution.
  • Failure in understanding company politics and creating allies.
  • Failure in realizing the dynamics of the very basic things in life.

I don’t score very often, but I have ton of fun trying..

Well, this is what I have on the top of my head you get the picture. I have been failing often and literally over every aspect of life. Ying Yang chinses philosophy describes how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.

To entrench the idea even further in your head in Eastern Philosophy they usually address the classical problem of the mind at which it starts judging and perceiving everything in duality. Day and Night, Head and Tail, Beginning and End, North and South. Whilst they try to always, draw the attention that you have to get beyond duality and realize that the opposing forces in nature are actually part of the same kind.

Sunshine all the time makes a desert

Let me clarify it even further. If there were two points in the space, when you come to describe the position of one point of the two, you would always refer to it in relation to the other point in space. If there was only one point, you will not be able to describe where it is.

If it was only day how can you tell the night? If there was only one color, how can you tell it from other colors? How would you tell that you are happy unless you have experienced unhappiness? Even in language, we use opposite words to reinforce the meaning of the word.

On the other hand, failure allows us to enter the state of humilty, and with humility comes listening and with listening comes the answers to our longstanding questions that we kept asking to our universe. Traumas for instance, is what life throws at you when you’re speeding without a purpose, it’s a forced opportunity to make a U-turn that wasn’t possible because you never paid attention to the subtle signs that came along the way asking you to grow elsewhere. Sudden diseases that we haven’t seen coming is a less severe stop that is an opportunity to take heed, stop and look back at what needs to be done.

Haven’t you heard about Joseph story in Genesis 41:19 of the 7 fat cows followed by 7 lean cows. isn’t that what life is all about  the tension of opposites, a series of pulls back and forth?!

“Lo, seven other cows came up after them, poor and very ugly and gaunt, such as I had never seen for ugliness in all the land of Egypt; 20and the lean and ugly cows ate up the first seven fat cows. 21“Yet when they had devoured them, it could not be detected that they had devoured them, for they were just as ugly as before.”

For that reason, we can conclude that opposites are part of the same thing. So is failure and success, they are the opposite sides of the same coin. You will not be able to know that you are a success unless you have experienced failure, and the opposite is true. A complete wave has a peak and trough, your life has to have ups and downs. We recognize music because of the existence of silent gaps between the tones. Perfection lies in the opposites, perfection is the Ying Yang. Because one side is not the full side of the story. In this universe, there is absolutely nothing that does not come in pairs, and we observe our world because of these differences, not despite of it.

You are smart because you have been stupid

What really laden me with the social media is that it only talks about the peak, the head, the shiny part, the success part of our lives leaving everybody stigmatized about their failures, yet the very thing that you’re discarding is the same place you’re coming from. You are kind because you have seen cruelty; you are benevolent because you have been underprivileged. I hope that you are not stonehearted because you have been fooled, you can be wise instead.

Failure is information

The way I used failure to my benefit was when I used it as a feedback, treat everything in your life as a feedback because life is only reacting to what you have been putting out there of energy. Nothing is going in vain, whatever energy you put out there – be it good or bad – will take its cycle and come back at you; Just not on your watch. There are literally millions of other factors at play in the world that you can’t see. “The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.”

So next time, stop complaining about the trough you are in because it won’t get you anywhere. Instead keep moving,  doing and acting and use feedback received from the universe to tweak, adjust, adapt to your continuously changing life. above all, keep your positive affirmations at stake. Positive self-talk is what propels you to progress.

Till next time..

Paper bag..

 

Voices

It’s hard to know when  it’s a bird from a paper bag when all you’re seeing is the shadow of hopes nearing to land on your lap. This has been the nature of most of my past 2 years, or what I’d also call near misses.

Last Sunday 17th of July 2016 marked my second anniversary since I lost my job and that marks the last vow I unintentionally vowed to myself “why not stay without a job and do my startup for 2 years!!”. Despite that you don’t get to tell the universe what to choose from your seemingly irrational funny blurts and what to keep. The original plan was to work on my startup in Stockholm among like-minded people which happened to be far from reach because I had to wait for a year-and-half before I get a response to start working on my idea. At which the idea of going back to Doha to be next to the one I love who will understand and be excited that I believed in her convictions to change the world and took a real step in using my passion for innovation to serve her dreams that will eventually help us in helping others in fulfilling their potentials.

2 years later from where I started the road has turned out to be bumpy but interesting enough that it kept me going that far. I met a lot of people along the way, had a lot of near misses from job applications to people reading my email pitch, some replying and some are just feeding  my hope further with their read receipts. Some even replying right away showing either warm wishes or excitement at what I am doing and apologizing for not being able to support at this point, either because it’s out of their focus or being involved with other better ideas at hand. The value of near misses despite that it looks lame on the outside, yet the sunny side of it was that it gave me a lot of energy the fueled my energy and drove far enough to the next near miss, and this is how I never ran dry of energy that covered the span of 2 years.

Even my latest arrival to her and then my self-reminder that she too could be another near miss – even though she was the original plan – made me realize that I became with this fact too and that I am happy that I’ve cultivated enough resilience to even get past this. Again was a reminder that Perseverance is the art of letting go of expectations without letting go of actions.

Someone has to make this world give autonomously, and this has got to be me..

Till next time!

where do i go from here?

Eye

Looks like another bottom I am hitting, for now. I no longer what the content of my is all about anymore. On the one hand, I like everything about my life right now. I am enjoying every part of it, yet I feel like it’s going  absolutely nowhere where I imagined it to be, not even close.

I guess I am failing at knowing the content of me past this point. It’s void, I no longer have sense of directions. Deep inside I know where I want to be, what to do and with whom I want to be with. Yet life is trying to get me somewhere else that I have no clue whatsoever where it will be. Few days ago I got maybe my 5th frozen job notice that I thought I am close to get. Now it feels normal as I’ve wondered about how life has finally started it’s longeest crap-storm and started to really give me some perspective on where I am going. Finally unfolding that path, but it turned out to be another mirage from afar.

Insofar that I’ve enjoyed my personal transformation happening before my eyes, as much I feel ready to start my next journey and  start applying what I’ve learned on IQ and EQ. I feel ripe to do so. Yet time seems to be insecapable from feeling.

Sometimes I even question even if it was even necessary to move back to Doha just to win over the only one I ever cared for, where she ironically seems to be the last person to know that. Yet again I tell myself back that it made me happy just knowing that at least the same borders encloses us together and that she’s near in distance, and that she’s healthy, successfuly and above all safe and sound. Day made!🙂

Till next time!

 

#yesyou

sleep

Maybe the only place where I can talk to you without you running away and making me feel that my words are like bullets that you’re just trying to avoid is my dreams!

I had another vivid dream when we finally got to talk about things, it wasn’t really  that long too. But it was real enough for me to finally satiate my eyes with the lingering feeling of your presence. Though I remember you also hastened as always and were just carrying your stuff and on the way out, but I recall it was a two-way conversation at least for the short part of it. I also remember that we talked about pretty much casual things, as if we were trying to catch-up with one another on what has been going on with our lives the past 2 years.

I also remember vividly when you asked me  “What does engagement means to you?”, and I answered that “It means that people may marry, inshallah!” The way you posed the question implied more “Just wanted to make sure of the culture differences between mine and yours”. The real anomaly about my dream and beside being real and I believe it was, is that I still perspired on the very last part! Oh My God, I am always wallowed by your composure while feeling you trembling on the inside. It’s romantically imperfect that it sweeps me off my feet.

My happiest days of the week are when you lead my RPM class, I know that much about the goose bumps I get and the unmistaken spike in my calories burn, and the synchronization between our heartbeats. I didn’t need such affirmation to myself, I always knew it, it’s just that this time I could get a physical affirmation that it’s not only in my head but it also shows on my workout.

Yes, I do smile because of your mere presence before me. Wondering and telling myself at the same time that I will always be happy to see you growing before me, knowing you’re doing great, healthy, safe and sound is really all what I need to know. Even though I have no clue if my what-ifs are just my daydreams or real. I don’t care that much, because if you really love someone, all what you want to do with them is to know that they are good and doing fine.

Maybe this is all what love is all about, it doesn’t have to take any other form to be, doesn’t have to be anything else but just the sheer feelings that you have for someone. It does not always need to be transformed to anything else. It just a natural force that exist on its own accord. Maybe marriage is only a way of many other ways to utilize this force and do something useful with it for yourself and others through it. Maybe it doesn’t have to be confined into its typical form of relationships bounded by T&C, Maybe we should give up this idea and start looking into new ways to utilize love than marriage. It’s a freefloating force that doesn’t succumb to our conditions, and this is why it dies when it’s confined!

Every time I see you I grin  and giggle because I can’t help it but remembering the days when we used to flirt around and tease with all these inside jokes. I always liked the efforts you exerted to get me to notice that you finally got it, and I always did. I was just just not sure enough if this is what you wanted, cause I fell many times for the natural sweetness and appeasing personality that makes me chemically react and analyze your actions towards me as a type of flirtation when most of the times were just sheer courtesy.

I have no clue where I am gonna end up, how these strong feelings will drop me off from this ride. or when this love that I have for you will wane, or what I am doing about it more than being close to you, and I really don’t care that much either. I know I love this reviving feeling, and I hope that that maybe is real that you will love me back someday!

Till next time!