Maybe the only place where I can talk to you without you running away and making me feel that my words are like bullets that you’re just trying to avoid is my dreams!
I had another vivid dream when we finally got to talk about things, it wasn’t really that long too. But it was real enough for me to finally satiate my eyes with the lingering feeling of your presence. Though I remember you also hastened as always and were just carrying your stuff and on the way out, but I recall it was a two-way conversation at least for the short part of it. I also remember that we talked about pretty much casual things, as if we were trying to catch-up with one another on what has been going on with our lives the past 2 years.
I also remember vividly when you asked me “What does engagement means to you?”, and I answered that “It means that people may marry, inshallah!” The way you posed the question implied more “Just wanted to make sure of the culture differences between mine and yours”. The real anomaly about my dream and beside being real and I believe it was, is that I still perspired on the very last part! Oh My God, I am always wallowed by your composure while feeling you trembling on the inside. It’s romantically imperfect that it sweeps me off my feet.
My happiest days of the week are when you lead my RPM class, I know that much about the goose bumps I get and the unmistaken spike in my calories burn, and the synchronization between our heartbeats. I didn’t need such affirmation to myself, I always knew it, it’s just that this time I could get a physical affirmation that it’s not only in my head but it also shows on my workout.
Yes, I do smile because of your mere presence before me. Wondering and telling myself at the same time that I will always be happy to see you growing before me, knowing you’re doing great, healthy, safe and sound is really all what I need to know. Even though I have no clue if my what-ifs are just my daydreams or real. I don’t care that much, because if you really love someone, all what you want to do with them is to know that they are good and doing fine.
Maybe this is all what love is all about, it doesn’t have to take any other form to be, doesn’t have to be anything else but just the sheer feelings that you have for someone. It does not always need to be transformed to anything else. It just a natural force that exist on its own accord. Maybe marriage is only a way of many other ways to utilize this force and do something useful with it for yourself and others through it. Maybe it doesn’t have to be confined into its typical form of relationships bounded by T&C, Maybe we should give up this idea and start looking into new ways to utilize love than marriage. It’s a freefloating force that doesn’t succumb to our conditions, and this is why it dies when it’s confined!
Every time I see you I grin and giggle because I can’t help it but remembering the days when we used to flirt around and tease with all these inside jokes. I always liked the efforts you exerted to get me to notice that you finally got it, and I always did. I was just just not sure enough if this is what you wanted, cause I fell many times for the natural sweetness and appeasing personality that makes me chemically react and analyze your actions towards me as a type of flirtation when most of the times were just sheer courtesy.
I have no clue where I am gonna end up, how these strong feelings will drop me off from this ride. or when this love that I have for you will wane, or what I am doing about it more than being close to you, and I really don’t care that much either. I know I love this reviving feeling, and I hope that that maybe is real that you will love me back someday!
Till next time!