I am realistic.. I expect miracles..

As i always vowed to myself.. life needs a little bit of this and a little bit of that, now it’s time to put a little smile on my face.. as i just feel as being part of a Turkish series, where the heroine is doing nothing with his beloved hot girl, but making out in the jungle.. to much drama.. no no, not suitable for me

Now the positive sides of my struggling relation are:

1. I quit smoking for good.. 6 weeks now.. that wouldn’t have been possible without her.. let’s just keep the hope I’d continue
2. I really look good on the classic wardrobe, jeans is not no longer my best fit..
3. Finally, i started focusing more on the biceps, and I can see a bit of a progress on the ABS showing.. and i sweat like a pig everyday
4. Everything you want is on the other side of fear
5. I got a new Blackberry
6. I read more often than before, and finished more books than ever
7. I write more than before, and I still rock at writing prose..
8. I discovered new awesome singers who became my favorite Buble, Mayer and Adele.. i have to admit.. she really has a great taste on music
9. I am much braver than I thought, and nothing more fun than busting my fears
10. The best things in life are not things
11. Music makes you understand a lot about your beloved one stance
12. Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will..
13. Your task is not to seek for love.. but merely to seek and find all the barriers you have built against it..
14. My perception about life has changed 180 degrees, and continuously changed back and forth.. and it was ok
15. Love is work, work is effort.. and hell despite the fire and the stings it brings.. nothing beats a work done with passion..
16. My limits have turned out to be infinite, only when determined..
17. Your best teacher is your last mistake..
18. Don’t give up.. beginning are always the hardest..
19. Anything is possible, everything can be done.. it just required passion
20. 10% is the situation, 90% is how you react to it
21. Adventure may hurt.. but monotony will kill you..
22. A miracle is when fear is replaced with love..
23. Don’t give up what you want most.. for what you want now..
24. Sorrow and grief are absolute, they can’t be skipped.. but you can grow throw them
25. Cycling became my new mediation hobby, and gym became my psychic
26. Slow progress.. is a progress..
27. It’s easy to fool eye.. hard to fool the heart..
28. Don’t rush at moments of rage, and make life decisions.. based on temporary emotions..
29. In any situation.. the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing..
30. Real love never disappears or vanish.. only people do..
31. What’s holding you back is the thought that something is holding you back
32. Perfect relationships don’t exist, but people who won’t give up on you do..
33. No endings, just new beginnings and discovering new boundaries of yourself..
34. One day.. this pain will make sense to you..
35. Love takes a hell of courage, hate is reflection of our fears and insecurities
36. Distance is a test to see how far love can travel..
37. We all need that someone who inspires us to do better than we know how
38. When you love someone deeply, their happiness really matters than yours.. guranteed
39. No definite way of doing things, my way, your way.. and there will always be other ways
40. The only thing to fear.. is fear itself..
41. Everybody knows how to talk.. but no one knows what to say..
42. You still can be connected to people, more than you ever think.. and it has nothing to do with social media or distance.. it just happens..
43. When nothing goes right, go left
44. Pain is ultimate.. we grow through it.. suffering is your choice..
45. You’ll never know how far you can go, until you try..
46. Be kind.. and you will always be right..
47. 80% of the situations i was afraid to happen.. never really happened
48. You’ll never know it all at a time.. the best you can is 50% of the truth.. cause people normally can’t handle the bare truth
49. We all operate behind our fears, and insecurities.. the more you grow through them, the more you level up in life..
50. If you love someone, tell them. Hearts are often broken by words left unspoken..
51. The more you let your feelings go, the less people let you go.. cause either they care and matter.. or don’t care and don’t matter
52. Everything happens for a reason, and you will not know the reason until it’s time.. and life cannot be fast forwarded.. you’ll know everything on time
53. Happiness is multiplied when shared.. grief is divided when shared..
54. Curiosity will conquer fear more than bravery will..
55. If you learned to trust your guts, it will take you beyond bare facts and mundane proved truth
56. If you can’t solve a problem, it’s because you’re playing by the rules
57. If two people are meant to be together, eventually they’ll find their way back.
58. Excuses might make you feel better, but it doesn’t change the truth
59. People will never see what you’re seeing.. at best case, they can tell you about possibilities of the outcome.. and you’ll always do what you have always wanted to do
60. Time and fear are almost the two main factors controlling our lives.. we skip our fears, and try to fast forward the sad moments.. neither problems will seize to occur, nor time will fast forward.. learn to grow throw them, and know the wisdom behind..
61. Sometimes, you have no other option but patience.. sometimes, it’s much more painful than going through the pain.. he has no patience.. has nothing..
62. Finally I went to the US and bought a dozen of underwear I’ve been dreaming of..
63. To get something you’ve never had you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.
64. Your life is your mirror.. simple, but hard to accept..
65. Karma is hell alive in every single step of your life
66. Love is blind.. it oversee the imperfections of others.. cause for you it doesn’t change the way you’re seeing that person.. this is why when you love someone, you accept their imperfections or perfections
67. The best medicine for humans is love, if it doesn’t work.. increase the dose
68. You can’t expect to see change if you never do anything differently
69. Anyone is allowed to do mistakes,  big or small at the end we are humans.. people who are meant to stay in your life will just stay.. just do not repeat them..
70. What we see.. depends mainly on what we look for..
71. People fight and argue because they simply don’t understand each other..
72. Commitments in relationship. means that the relationship itself has become the priority it’s the focus, rather than the individual. when they compromise or sacrifice anything; it’s not for the other, rather than for the relationship that you have mutually chosen to make a priority
73. Nothing worth having in this life comes without efforts
74. What comes around goes around.. and yes, it applies on everything.. even facts you’re trying to deny
75. Heart speaks louder than the mind.. it’s foresighted.. and it always wins..
76. People who love you the most, will hurt you the most.. it’s a fact, cause they trust you..
77. There’s always the other side of the story
78. We perceive life and judge situations differently, try to understand before your react.. always choose to to respond than react
79. This list can go endless..
80. Hope is what keeps us alive.. have one, take one, create one.. buy one.. find a way and get one.. keep it safe and alive..

Till next time

When nothing goes right.. go left!!

 

“We’re neither pure; nor wise; nor good; we do the best we know – Voltaire“

I think I just went through another peak of my frustration, and I just decided that I need more change in my life than just holding to a relation that’s not working the least expected even as friends..

I am emotionally drained.. and realized that i just can’t give anymore when she’s rejecting whatever I am offering, and for sure i can neither accept the self-loathing state i am in, nor to have someone in my life who just feel sorry for me, i don’t need a pat on my shoulder and i don’t want to be pathetic to anyone.. i guess i can rise again above the odds, and continue walking through and do what i really need to do..

Months of pain, a lot of attempts to make things work, where she didn’t show any intention to do the necessary effort to make things work.. little did i know.. that she’s been trying to save me from the pain of not being into me, but i got it too late as i continuously got mixed messages and I thought that she needed help, yet i was the one who needed real help.. never wanted to leave her when she was in need.. most of my attempts even was following my gut feelings that she might be fearing to take a step forward, I’ve always tried to save her the step and encourage her to move forward too.. but looks like i was only one under this wrong perception all along the way.. she was only trying to find a nice way out, but i never got that!!

It’s not the best feeling in life to fight for a spot in someone’s life, and make them a priority, when you’re merely an option for them.. putting a lot of efforts, to make things convenient to her, to encourage her to beat her fears and assist them in growing through you.. as they assist you to grow through them.. but I just can’t do this anymore.. i too, need to care of me..

Nothing was returned, accepted, commented, explained, appreciated, reciprocated, or even encouraged to continue.. just nothing.. it was just me who couldn’t see the naked truth, that i was the only one fighting for me, and no one else.. people are people, they have different experiences, and reach differently at their own pace.. i believe intentions were good at both ends.. it was just dealt differently.. now it’s time for someone to make a change to stop this leak of pain, and i think i can do this on my own..

I need to stop trying and stop annoying people I care for.. and I need to have a bit of a pause to review where I am going, where I want to be next, and how to get there.. I guess it’s time to stop steering and driving, and enjoy being driven for a while.. I just want to lose control, and be drifted to whatever is destined to be..

Hope it works!

Till next time

Losing control..

 

“Hey good morning, it’s a new day, and i am so looking forward to make a change today, no whatsapp messages, and nothing from you ok!”

“You’re on Skype?! good to see you on a Do No Disturb mode.. ok! – a sweet good morning to you – i don’t say it, i just wish it”

“Ok, nothing is happening.. and I don’t think I have anything to do to make her feel better.. back to work”

“Hey! it’s been 3 hours i caught myself not thinking about you, which is good”

“GYM time, running too fast on the treadmill, sweating like a pig, any progress with not thinking.. barely trying to put my focus on breathing.. ”

“Back home.. reading a bit, then a bit more.. ok i will call a friend to just go out and do whatever”

That was just me on daily basis almost, some days I think less about you.. some other days i want to hit my head against the nearest wall to stop thinking.. some days i succeed in not thinking.. some other days I retreat to square zero with absolutely no progress whatsoever on the days i was even more strong to not think about you..

I did a lot of analysis on why am i feeling this way, why can’t i just be free once again and to have myself back.. but i really failed to put any reasonable explanation for that.. it’s what it’s..

A state of control between the heart and the mind, my mind is always trying to take control and alter my heart is feeling.. but what’s the point of always being in control.. I see no point, i am just being hindered from progressing..

Yes, I am still in love.. and still not totally happy where I am, this is why I’ve been always taking a leap every now and then to bust my fears as they occur, cause the simplest rule of being happiness is change.. if you’re not happy where you’re, then change it.. you’re not a tree

A leap.. is what I have recently took as a step forward to change where I was, I cannot deny that the simple conversation I had with her really made all the difference.. even though she neither replied nor commented my email, yet she did a courageous step forward to come back again to life.. I still enjoy feeling her around, I still do.. and this feelings does not seem to going anywhere far.. no matter how distant we are, no matter how less frequent we talk.. but I just can’t help it, and to be honest.. I don’t want to, cause it just seems to be natural..

So, how does it look like to lose control.. it’s not as it literally says, it’s more of busting your fears as soon as they occur.. do not overburden yourself and hold your emotions that you have for someone.. just share it, for sure it’s a little bit tricky here.. cause I always tend to follow what I feel rather than what the logic dictates me.. i follow my guts, and yes sometimes i get a lot of pain in return

Last leap didn’t really turn to be successful, i wanted things back to normal where I can freely talk without watching what I am saying, cause simply i miss that.. and i also want to feel the same in return..  i want to feel welcomed back, and being talked to freely without feeling that i am forcing myself in the scene, which seems to be the case.. or at least this is what i am perceiving.. a pat on the back and the least communication so that i wouldn’t cry myself out!! that makes me feel pathetic!! There’s always two sides of the story..

It’s painful how we reached this situation where we watch what we say, and being so artificial and self censoring to what we are saying.. now I hate what I am feeling, and I hate how pathetic i became.. and i hate even more being fooled by my heart every time it dictates me what to do, cause I am not progressing or moving a single step forward.. yet i just can’t hold it anymore.. not sure what do i always have this contradicting feelings..

By “letting go of control” you are actually not letting go of anything but the assumptions you had in your mind. Everything else is the same. You are just as in control and out of control regardless of what you believe.

I am not looking for confrontation, i know she hates it.. but hey, I need your support here too. we just need to talk, see why our friendship has stopped, why am i causing all this pain? what was my mistake.. let’s fix it.. but no, again and again silence is all what I am getting in return.. i am not gonna bite you..

“The more you let yourself go, the less people let you go”  – Nietzsche

Losing control is not as bad as it may seem, it simply means letting go of whatever you’re holding.. it’s about getting your inside out not fearing the outcome.. busting your fears that are holding you back from progress.. if the move turned out to be right, then you got what you want.. if not, some pain should follow and you shouldn’t feel the same pain again from the same situation.. it’s like beating yourself black and blue before your fears beat you up.. so, i am letting go

When you are able to clearly see what you do and don’t have control over, and you start acting on that, incredible things happen in your life. You give up the need for others’ approval because you know you won’t be able to influence it. You can only control who you are. You make way for the flow of things. You start living in the moment. You get a taste of what it means to love yourself.

“Silence, holding up.. keeping your feelings for yourself, till you sink into this overwhelming feelings and you start turning to depressed state.. i hate it when i ask questions and write and people go not replying what i wrote.. or even commenting it.. what’s so hard about saying what’s holding you back.. you always knew where i stand, but i never knew where you are.. cause simply you never talked.. and we are where we are cause we have piled up a lot of mixed up feelings, and we have a lot residue feelings that totally makes sense for each one of us”.. I’ve told her since the beginning that we need to be open to each other and talk.. talking talk is half the walk.. i talked the talk.. walked the walk but all what i am getting again is just silence.. like no, i am still keeping my silence

Nowhere in history was anything great achieved with certainty and assuredness– everything is, and always has been, a beautiful manifestation of the unfolding that is life. To see a miracle, you need to keep going even when you’re convinced you’ll see defeat: that’s what will make it miraculous.

Let’s again play the songs game.. we post some songs, get some songs back and nothing is happening or moving forward.. then maybe disappearing for a while and push me away even further.. and so on, a circle we have been going through for a while, where neither us are happy.. So last song you asked me to Just Say what i have inside, and I did.. and I got nothing in return, as every time.. why?!

We’ve lost touch with the beautiful chaos of life and given it such a bad name… but uncertainty derives things we’ve never seen before. It carves a path for the new and miraculous. Don’t fear the unknown– let it bring you things you yourself couldn’t.

What really disappointments me is not the failed attempts to this relation, but is the feeling that i am the only one trying to get things working.. and the contradicting feelings of actions i need to take to make sure that she’s ok.. i don’t mind working on this on the slowest pace ever.. but for god sake, i really need some genuine help and assistance from her as well. which seems to be going in vain most of the times.. i am used to confront my pain and my fears, i cannot quit.. cause i’d be betraying myself, or simply announcing that i am smaller than my problems.. which is totally against my nature..

I think all what we need is one heart-to-heart conversation where we can get past this.. i believe i can accept whatever is put on the table, instead of just ignoring what we are having here..

Not sure where i am going, but i will always do what i think i should do..

Inspired by 8 Beautiful Things About Losing Control

 

Till next time

A leap..

“if you want to change.. you have to be willing to be uncomfortable..”

Finally.. I took the forbidden step and wrote a letter to the one I have always had something special for.. telling her about my frustrations and how I perceived being cut off one day after another.. it’s a deadly drawback to stop communicating with the ones you always cared for.. cause you may not get a second chance to tell them what you have for them, second.. they might be thinking that you are on totally a different page!!

A leap was all what I needed to write down how I perceive the situation.. it’s an awkward and unusual feeling of breaking your fears and the barriers you put for yourself, and finally rebelling on this self destructing attitude of keeping feelings you have for someone, for yourself when it’s not even yours.. it’s like taking a jump in the unknown.. takes a lot of courage, a bit of trust and hell a lot of faith in whatever fall..

Letting go is about liberating yourself of whatever is holding you back.. if you have something to say.. just say it.. the result is not as important as stepping on your fears.. we are controlled by our fears.. namely our insecurities.. you probably don’t know what’s going to happen.. but if you do not try, nothing will happen

“The more you let yourself go, the less others let you go” – Nietzsche

I put my heart in my hands and said it, blurt it out and nothing feels more courageous than saying what you feel.. it’s so liberating.. and I was like one fear less, and ready for next bold move.. not sure what would it be.. but i never cease to surprise me!

Till next time..