the thing..

ff

Maybe this is the thing about life, that we are all going to die.. or as some saying goes, that the only truth about life is death.. the rest is merely interpretation of different point of views, that are usually shaped based on life experiences you came across. And as you embrace the idea that time is always elapsing, you may give up the idea of many things that might be hindering your progress, which is by far easier to realize after you reach your 30s

Been almost 10 days in Stockholm, and to be honest i loved the amazing balance and self acceptance that people have adopted here. They do have everything, but not much of anything.. just the right amount of whatever you need to be happy. They are not over-doing or over-living life but rather just doing what suffice to be happy. They have the right balance between life and work, the right balance of not commercializing life and not charging you for every single thing that you do, just because you happen to exist in Stockholm..

When i look back in time, and in particular 3 years back before moving to Doha; i had a lot of unlearning to do once i moved, i believe i gave up a lot of the misconceptions related to religion. In terms of being conscious about my faith, and practicing it from a different angle, from an angle of testing my values, principles and faith, rather than just blindly doing what my ancestors and society used to do without putting it to test..

Of the great discoveries i found that most of our beliefs are so fragile, that mostly collapses when you get them to the real-life test, and that most of the time it’s only matter of convenience to say that you’re a believer, rather than explaining why you don’t believe it. What i could see based on my recent experience that has resulted losing my job for standing by the right side on my own, that people are not willing to put their faith to test, because they are subconsciously non-believers, rather than conformists. They are so afraid to put their faith to test, cause they do not want to collapse before them, if the results came different from their expectations, afraid to fall short.

Of the striking truth that i realized was that some of the commonly things that are identified by society as sins, doesn’t really feel like a sin. As much as it  terrifies me that some of  the aspects of religion has been under great misconduct, as part of our sponge nature of absorbing whatever our society brings to us. It looks like we have absorbed a lot of disappointment wrapped with illiteracy, and served on a platter of ignorance and lack of knowledge. but it still lays a lot of burden of the probability of being wrong, but then again i realized that my guts can still guide me about the right and wrong, and if i am compelled by the fear of being wrong, i could just drop it and not do it.

But i could still be the turning point of my tree, if i ever thought about having a kid, which i consider as the light at  the end of the tunnel for my generation, and as an inheritor of my Egyptianized roots. My father did the same, he had his faith between his hands and decided to be different from his family, and taught himself by himself and did the best he knew at every point of his life. i believe he did a great job on being the new roots stem from his family, that has viewed the world from a slightly more broad point of view, in comparison to his roots..

I would still do the basic things that doesn’t need much of rethinking, like the prayers and fasting, as there isn’t much of innovation or way of doing the pillars of Islam than this, and it should not be reworked anyways, we should just follow it. Apart from that, the grey areas where we get lost between being a wrong misconduct naturally passed from generation to the next. i found this easy rule, if it doesn’t make sense to you, then it probably has been set based on people’s self judgement that serves their own agendas at a point of time, and to be honest.. most of the time it is. The only drawback fo this approach, that you’ll never know really if you’re right or wrong, unless it’s time to be judged before God. But if it brings you more fears than the pleasure of doing it, then just don’t..

This approach has not stopped me from also working on refining things that my mind fails to comprehend, cause not everything in religion has to make sense to you, some of it, if not most are just their obedience. Plus, if it’s really clear in the Koraan, then there’s no need really to rethink it. Eventually you’re not God, you are just resemble one facade of God. As much as this new rule leaves me a broader room of freedom to experience life, as much as it burdens me to think of all that..

But then again.. my life, my choices..

Till next time

Hi..

e

 

We all have these little things that we keep to ourselves, when we think that out significant other is not ready to hear them out, hopefully.. cause most of the time you’re only being hushed up, they are not even giving you the time to say anything. They give you no time, and when it happens quite often especially after some unprecedented breakup, you tend to pile up the things you always wanted to say, but never had the chance to spit it out to the right audience..

Though I’ve recently learnt not to curb any feelings, and let whatever come and wash out my soul, cause i don’t want to have these curbed feelings all over my life.. the sooner you vent it out, the better you become.. and recently, i think i started giving myself a chance to have these uninterrupted conversations with myself, cause it gives me a chance to release it all. 

Today, i had this dream about you.. you know these precious moments when you just woke up, but still the trails of your dreams are still a bit blurry and as the few moments pass by from sleeping to waking up, every moments that passes, it makes it even more blurry and fades faster than then previous moment, till your face have the first contact with the real awake life, splashing the water all over the phase and looking into the mirror and having this inside conversation “it was just a dream, here we go with another day in London, it’s the 5th of September and I am travelling tomorrow to Stockholm, and now i should be having my cereal, and get online”

To be honest, i was happy to see you again.. cause in my sleep is where i can get to see you, though even in my dreams you don’t seem to make me happy again, i see you frustrated sometimes; this time i though my ex with my ex-ex altogether, and i was giving the choice to choose between you two since you are somehow in the scene.. then i realized that you are getting married and you sort of getting ready for your wedding. I still chose you over the ex-ex, but then you were already taken and on your way to marry and stuff.. i don’t know!

I almost forgot, i wanted to talk to you about the things i always wanted to say, but never had the chance to. You know, you either give me little to no time on every encounter, or you gave me the cold-shoulder which was by the way very cold. I have to salute you that you’re really good at distancing yourself. It was painful to be honest, though I always felt how hard you are resisting your natural charm of being nice to people, i know it was really hard on you to be something you’re not, and this is maybe why our accidental encounters at work, the mall or the gym were never easy on either; or at least this is how i chose to think of you

You know how hard it is to keep defending you in front of myself without your presence! It’s double the work to change my thoughts, and come up with each and every excuse for you, based on what i know about you. It’s easier to hate than to love, but to be honest, i don’t want to hate you.. i still want to keep your picture in my head undisturbed. it worked sometimes, and some other times i only get pissed off at your shutting me down attitude. But I don’t recall such moments to last longer than few days.. it’s true what Om Kolthoum said on one of her songs “I was mad at you between me and myself, and i made it up, then i was mad at you again, I tell myself i should let go, then i feel sorry for myself.. afraid if i let go, i would be more deprived” it’s exactly these kind of self conversations that keeps happening to me every now and then

To be honest, if i had a chance to speak up with you honestly.. i don’t have a concrete things to say, but they all revolve around a lot of exclamations, comma, question marks, semi colon and some hyphens, but without any Period. cause i don’t want to stop

But i think that i would to have you part of my daily routine again, like experience more of you in more depths.. i still think i didn’t have a chance to explore the different kind of you(s) yet. I’ve seen a lot of your less attractive side of who you are, which as much as i didn’t mind it. i hoped it would end at some point and get your support that i needed on my hardship days, the 7 weeks of suspension where i had to stay home and do nothing but reading and exercising; that kept my partial whole intact; i wanted you to exceed my expectations and offer support, i so much needed that!!

Not that i can’t face it all alone, but because it would have been much more bearable if we shared the load and split it in two. you know it’s easier to share than taking all the load. At the same time i tried to be there celebrating your milestones of achievements at work, though i was not sure about how you will take it, but honestly i didn’t care about your reaction, cause it made me happy, and i knew it would make you happy to celebrate it even from afar. Or at least, this how i wished you received these surpising texts

But anyways, i think i am on one of these years that asks questions.. maybe years llaters, i will get some answers.. i am sure i will..

Take care of yourself D, i am sure our roads will cross again.. keep working out, and i will keep it till then

Good day D!

Till next time..

 

 

The literature of things..

f

 

Some time has elapsed before I was able to open up to myself again, maybe this time was the longest in a while between writing.. and as always.. I had the topic on the top of my head for a long time, but fear has always been stopping me from starting writing.. maybe i was too afraid to pour all the things in my head at once, and come to the facts that i have known for a long time now, as if writing is somehow the acknowledgment of all fears.. part of my fears was the perfection that i’ll always aspire and will never reach *a sigh* “The universe doesn’t allow perfection.” — Stephen Hawking 

First, I just got fired from my job.. and i was simply testing my faith, my faith that i should not fear anyone than God, if i truly believe that we as humans are merely reasons for each other, no matter what looks on the outside. I am not sad about it, i know i stood for something, and that i was right and above all my faith is strong.. which made me overall happy. I took it very well, cause somehow i’ve managed to wire my brain to accept the worst which has happened. It was a time for a new start, which didn’t start yet.. i think!

Second, I come to the fact that the world cannot be understood through its sheer facts, it has to have some literature associated to it.. our minds are not wired to accept the pure facts of life, and always tend to look beyond the philosophical meaning of it. For that, i think maybe those who have allowed themselves to really experience life into different depths and heights, have always associated their understanding with figurative idioms.. through literature and arts.. be it any form of art.. cause this is our real human capacity in comprehending life, or at least this is what I’d like to think of it this way..

But i don’t want to put a third here or continue with this ridiculous human made numbering, why would i care to organize your thoughts or mark your progress through my blog.. they are free thoughts anyways and won’t matter if they are in order or not. 

What i can think of right now is before i got fired, i had a chance to review a lot of things and had last chance to re-appreciate everything i had while i was in Doha, friends, place, work, outings.. literally everything.. my broad range of acceptance has never been broader than that before, smelling and breathing the wind of change was overwhelming that i almost had absolutely no problems when the day has come, and was told that i was fired! not much of fighting back, or tormenting feeling over what i’ve lost, i felt more complete and strong and almost had a feeling of content over what happened; cause i knew for once that i was strong to stand for my beliefs, and that my faith is strong.. and it was the best thing i may have done in a long while.. working out your faith..

Then the day to leave has come way earlier than expected, i got back to Cairo after 2 years and 8 months away from home. it was a long time, not in terms of mundane timing, but in terms of my self development during this period. This period if it can be tagged, i would tag it into “love, heartbreaks, good work, muscles, diving, cycling, running, jogging, lots of fun, exhilarating surprises, reading, many many new understandings, quit smoking, travelling a lot, discovered a lot of potentials in me” and i think above all, i was able to unveil a totally new part of me that i didn’t even that it existed.. was it love or attraction, or attachment.. whatever it is, i enjoyed its ups and downs to the fullest..

But above all, i got to understand that we mostly understand life through literature and arts, and not through the abstract meaning of things, we do have the capacity to deeply reflect upon our adversity in an artistic way, we never feel the pain straight.. it always has its rooted dimensions that reaches to our soul, it’s always these cracks caused by mishaps that connects our deep rooted spirit with the external physical world that appears to be abstract from any dimensions. after every unfortunate incident we come across, everything we feel afterwards gets through this crack, and get to feel it really deep. we feel so affectionate and touched when our friends are by our side, at the same time we feel double the pain when the people we expected to be by our side, have fell short of our expectations and did nothing.. this is the drawback of mishaps, every single emotion is intensified and you can almost feel it nudging your bones..

For that, i do believe that God has created a beautiful nature around us, that’s full of variant colors, and pretty sounds and breathtaking scenery, this is our gateway to God, our only path to fathom your true purpose as you progress in life. Even on the known holy books of God either Koran, Torah or the Bible.. their teaching are mostly in figure speech, but their meanings is mostly ever broader than our thinking can comprehend. For this particular reasons, these books never fell short of application despite the hundreds of years passed since its revelation

“Miracles happen, not In opposition to nature, but in opposition to what we know of nature.” -St. Augustine

Above all, i came to realize and fully understood that life should always be lived progressively, i stopped clinging to anything or anyone, i always try to enjoy what i have, always be honest to myself about what i want to do and say, cause i know that karma will come and meet me later.. so the shorter route to be good to yourself in the future, is to be good to yourself now.. and learning to accept whatever comes my way, yet always do what i believe i should be doing.. continuously try to change my perspective, and that there are always far better things ahead than the ones we leave behind; embracing the fact that i am always in the right place. knowing that my limits always lies in my head, and the fact that the only thing i am capable of changing is myself, and by myself i mean the capacity to look at life from different perspectives, and that new perspectives can’t be gained without getting your hands dirty in life, by living and taking actions and continuously moving. i gave up the idea of comfort zone cause it holds no new perspective for me, and it simply means being stagnant in a swamp, and leaving the rest of the jungle ahead untouched..

I live everyday at once, and once is enough if it’s lived right..

Till next time

Confidently uncertain..

Image

 

I won’t say that i figured it all out.. life i mean, and i am content that i never did, and never will.. cause when i will be 100% certain about the reason of my existence on earth, i presume this will be my last day, at least this is what i think..

The 50% certainty we always posses scientifically speaking you can either know the speed or the place of an atom at a certain point of time.. it’s 50% of the facts at a certain time.. you see my point?! meaning that it’s a myth to say that you are 100% certain about anything at any point of time, even if you had the world’s latest knowledge and access to information.. and even the 50% is bound to time, “There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths”.. it takes us again back to ourselves, whatever we seek out of truth is only matter of how we perceive things “Why does man not see things? He is himself standing in the way: he conceals things” even for the truth, is merely a truth and it goes out of context when time passes “All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth”  this also can be explained “the only constant in life is change“. Truth is just a another facade the reflects what’s inside us, that we reflect in things we perceive; which drastically changes over time when you either gain more experience, or know more about that thing that you used to fear “There is nothing more to truth than what we are willing to assert as true”. As anything that might be opposing your progression in life is fear is interpreted in the external shell in terms of behavior, when you are less experienced in life you usually experience it in anger, frustration or agony, cause you don’t know.. 

We became so obsessed of knowing, rather than understanding.. we are always striving to be 100% certain of things we are about to do before doing it, we think that whatever humans have unfolded on mystics of life, is enough to address our insecurities about things we fear, we want to beat fear that is holding us back from treading on life and moving forward.. it’s weird that we tend to reject moving forward and taking that leap of faith in the unknown cause we are uncertain about the consequences of our actions, or we are trying to impractically apply previous experiences on future situations to avoid repeating patterns of pain. Yet, when we become accustomed with our preset routine in life, we become so bored of the convenience of life and how it became less interesting.. and this is exactly when you get stuck in the rut.. life becomes insipid “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science” doesn’t that defy your faith – if you happen to be a believer in whatever superpower that controls the universe – you say that faith is believing in the existence of super power, yet not seeing it.. it’s the leap of faith that you take every time you are tucked in the rut and need to take that jump into the unknown, when you lack getting the other 50% of certainty, that has been proved to be not true anyways.. it was just your misconception that gave you the feeling that you are 100% certain about something.. which we mundanely call it confidence!

Confidence.. is the art of pretending to know the other 50% of the uncertainty in your hand, and convincing yourself and having the guts to take that leap of faith towards the preconceived to be 100% certainty, and this is quite what the conventional courses try to teach to potential entrepreneurs on how to wrap risks and preconceive it as opportunities instead of obstacles.. needless to support this with endless quotes about courage, and wisdom quotes taken from our ancestors, paving us the way on how to gain the confidence and changing your perception that you got all what it takes to take this scary step in the unknown.. what’s funny about it that you get 50% of success/failure, that goes hand-in-hand with 50% blessing/lesson that you need to acquire to tread in your life, grow and become what you think you are supposed to be..

It’s always the 50% uncertainty that gets us ahead of others, and motivates us to wake everyday encouraging us to leave our mark on the world.. and because there’s no absolute truth but merely the interpretation that prevails at a given time, this when we are asked to seize the present and keep our focus there, and learn from the past and not to worry about the future.. even the Messiah when he prayed to God, he prayed to supply him with the food of the day, he didn’t complaint about yesterday, and didn’t ask for tomorrow.. he just cared and lived in the moment and in the present, cause this is what he knows for now.. everything constantly changes overtime, people, circumstances, climate, opinions, feelings.. they take different forms and shapes, our role as humans is to enjoy things when they are there.. for the good we embrace it, revolve around it and do our best for it to evolve and get the different tastes of it.. for the bad we try ambulate or abstain from letting it affect us..

Ironically, we proclaim to ourselves that other things in life is unconditionally 100% certain about, we wake up and go to work and we believe the lie that we will do this and that.. but we are seldom 100% efficient on our work everyday.. but the amazing part that we convince ourselves every single morning that we can do that, sometimes we do.. some other times we don’t.. but it seems when it comes to habits it goes within the unconsciousness part, that does not do any kind of new processing, but rather than repeating the same adopted behavior that you did last time, this is why forcing yourself into a new habit takes a while before your mind stops alerting you about the 50% of doubts of not doing a certain things.. the 21 days to gain a certain habit, or as i prefer to call it.. the mind-hushing factor.. 

But there’s no life in the comfort zone, nothing new.. everything is stagnating, stall state of living.. it’s you living more on the dull side of life where there’s no action.. it’s the prevailing unconsciousness that your life has become.. it’s the fake preconceived 50% of certainty that keeps your life unconsciously moving.. you’re becoming a walking dead or a zombie, and you feel the emptiness is filling you inside out.. you feel the purposeless of life, and how insignificant you are relatively to anything or anyone.. but it’s comfortable i know..

This is why problems and instability in life and relations usually triggers fears, that might be indulged and expressed in the shape of anger, resentment or even abstaining from living the moment and dwelling in the past/last time we were happy.. cause it’s easier to replay happy moments and reminisce, than creating new ones.. conformity with everyone else.. it’s comfortable i know..

But life is not about being comfortable, it’s about changing, moving, doing things and growing.. life is action, life is consciousness.. life is about enjoying each tidbit of it.. life in 3D.. the good, the bad.. and the depth of both.. 

Be conscious.. be aware.. got it!

Till next time..

love disclaimer..

Image

No warranties..

This relationship is provided “as is” without any representations or warranties, express or implied. Amr makes no representations or warranties in relation to this website or the information and materials provided on this website. 

 Without prejudice to the generality of the foregoing paragraph, Amr does warrant that:

  – this feelings will be constantly available, as long as you show the willingness to invest into this relation

 – the feelings transferred/expressed during this relation is complete, true, accurate and non-misleading.

 Everything on this relationship constitutes, or is meant to constitute, advice of any kind to the well-being of each other, good intentions are always put ahead of any assumptions/pre-assumptions. Amr cannot guarantee that it will be 100% shit free, but he assures the investor that it will be 100% real.. this relation does not contain any artificial colors, feelings, or emotions.. however, some scents might be used for the sake of ensuring the efficiency of delivering the emotions, and should always be used within the acceptable limits as advised by FDA..

 

Limitations of liability

 Amr will not be liable to you (whether under the law of contact, the law of torts or otherwise) in relation to the contents of, or misuse of, or otherwise in connection with, this relationship

  – to the extent that the proclaimed issues were not made clear to Amr, in any acceptable and understandable means (direct questions, face to face interactions)

- subtexting and whatsapp are not considered as a subtle ways of communications, and all are not considered as a way of addressing such issues

- Amr ensures eternal investments in fixing issues as they are being made clear to him, backed up with actions before promises. everything will be made clear and cleared as we go, as long as issues are addressable, and fixable within bilateral efforts exerted by both parties

 These limitations of liability apply even if Amr has been expressly advised of the potential loss, due to the previous experiences, such losses can be reduced to the minimum in case god forbid that this relation was set to an end; after both parties have mutually agreed that best efforts have been exerted, and agreed to stop pursuing this relationship anymore

 Exceptions

 Nothing in this relationship disclaimer will exclude or limit any warranty implied by law that it would be unlawful to exclude or limit; and nothing in this website disclaimer will exclude or limit Amr’s liability in respect of any:

 – death or personal injury caused by Amr’s negligence;

 – fraud or fraudulent misrepresentation on the part of Amr; or

 – matter which it would be illegal or unlawful for Amr to exclude or limit, or to attempt or purport to exclude or limit, its liability.

 Reasonableness

 By using this love disclaimer, you agree that the exclusions and limitations of liability set out in this relationship disclaimer are reasonable. If you do not think they are reasonable, you must not enter into this relationship

 

Other parties

You accept that, as a limited liability entity, Amr has an interest in limiting the personal liability of its friends either common or BFF.  You agree that you will not involve or claim responsibility against aforementioned type of friends, as this relationship is deemed to be started, pursued, developed and evolved only through the concerned parties. only that sole trusted friend’s experiences and advises might be used from time to time, to ensure or assure that the track of this relationship is going well, or if it needs some changes to the course of action. However, their advises should always be advisory and not compulsory

[Without prejudice to the foregoing paragraph,] you agree that the limitations of warranties and liability set out in this relationship disclaimer will protect both your hearts from severe damage that may occur if the above instructions have not been followed properly

 Unenforceable provisions

 If any provision of this relationship disclaimer is, or is found to be, unenforceable under applicable law, that will not affect the enforceability of the other provisions of this website disclaimer.

 

Love makes time pass.. time makes love pass..

 

Till next time

 

what love also looks like..

Image

“bring a short term memory, and a long sense of humor… you’re gonna need it!”

I think this is the wisest thing you have to consider before getting into any relationship, and it makes a lot of sense and i will tell you why..

Recently i have finally had the chance to vent out the feelings that i thought were put to death to the that someone special i fell for long time before i even know, that i had to dwell into another relation as she wasn’t ready at the time, also to take my lesson about relationships and learn more about the priorities of things to do in any relation that we enter..

Humans are greed and impatient by nature, and no matter how strong they look on the outside, they are so vulnerable like a sponge cake from the inside.. wound after wound, pain replacing pain and they seldom succeed in knowing that this what life is all about.. the path you take, but not the goal.. for that they value instant gratifications, and continuously seek assurance from their newly introduced partners.. “please tell me that you love, say it.. acknowledge it”.. as if the movies has distorted our idea about love and comprehend it only in some kisses, hand in hands, candle lights and a sweet dinner in a romantic place.. i am not saying this is not love, but this is not what love is all about.. it’s just one aspect of showing your love.. but we seem to always be stuck in this aspect, and this is exactly when we start dwelling in the past and compare former partners, if we are not getting what we are used to get, then our new partner does not really appreciate us.. then we start panicking in an attempt to avoid and stop the repeated patterns of previous pain..

But let me first tell you how you should start a relationship and be sure that this person deserves your energy and feelings spent.. you first need to have someone who makes you happy, love and want to stick around you.. and above all, accepts you in full and who is not trying to change you.. and loves your imperfectly perfect self, and willing to enjoy your shittiest moments before the best.. and for sure there has to be an absolute physical attraction – you don’t want to end up like a brother – someone who you can undress your unconsciousness and want to sleep with your dreams and enjoy every little bit of your uncensored version.. and after all, afraid to lose you.. someone you can trust and vent out your shit at without the fear of being judged or misunderstood.. someone you can curse your struggles, fall, cry, bounce, laugh and be comfortable silent with.. someone where you are unsure with confidence about the future.. someone who keeps in reminding you of how strong you are, someone who can give you the space without asking, someone who won’t leave you and who’s keen to fix the mess when things goes unwell.. you need someone who accepts you completely, not to complete you.. you’re complete whole already

Do you still want to be told that you are loved?

The romantic love in movies are just the appreciation part that scenarist chose to show, and also reflect on some other aspects of love, sex is another advanced way of showing and expressing your love, but again it is not all.. love is patience.. being patient enough to fix the cracks as they occur, love is trusting that someone will always be there for you and won’t cheat on you.. love is trusting intentions and always being sure that they meant good, but they may have failed to express it.. love is fighting for those you care for.. love is endless caring.. love is not waiting for something in return.. love is not about instant gratification.. love is a way to attract each other, but love is not all.. again it is just a way of freely painting your life with mixed colors.. humans love in different capacities, they also stumble to define their feelings..

Based on married couples experiences love transforms after marriage.. it does not disappear, it just transforms to different way of empathy.. affection and mercy-fullness.. and this simply can’t continue if you didn’t spend enough time building this foundation and grow the bonding of understanding, appreciation and full acceptance of one another.. if you love your partner, but not used to communicate with them openly, then your relation will be destined to struggle later on.. it’s not only love that sustain a relationship.. it’s the friendship

For once i am choosing to start from where relations eventually end-up transforming to.. i am willing to spend time and effort in bonding and strengthening the my bond with my soul-mate, confidently unsure where are going to end up.. but i know one thing for sure to start with.. i know that she wants me as much as i want her in my life.. and i don’t care to put any definitions for this.. i am confident we have a strong bonding, and let’s see how can we get the best of one another!

Love cannot only be comprehended in the classical statement of “I Love You!” it’s ineffable!

Till next time..

handle with care.. this side (heart) up!

Image

“Just when i needed you most”

First things that pops in my hear when i hear out this song.. is that why people tend to disappear when you need them most! yeah, i know that eventually we have to rely on ourselves and that we are complete without the need to have someone in our lives.. but the path is long, and it really good to have some company.. but why they tend to disappear when you need them the most.. i am still clueless about it!

was always wondering if uncertainty is something good or bad.. i guess there is no absolute certainty as science says, theoretically they always say that you can’t define both the speed and location of a certain atom at any given point of time! AHA, so you only get the chance of knowing 50% of the truth at any point of time, and you work your way to find the other 50%, which by the time you reach there will be another 50% of something else! going in circles, does not it look like that?!

But why would you want to be certain 100% about anything anyways, what’s the point? will you have any motive to risk the uncertainty and unfold the other 50% of the unknown to you?! this is how life is like, you’re never certain or sure 100%.. never was, never will.. cause if you knew it, you will lose the thrill that your life thrives on while doing it.. i think it’s very smart to always know half the truth, as during the unfolding process you just get to know what was it all about, and what was the lesson!

Just when i thought that finally my waiting paid off, and that the one i really wanted to have or as i refer to as plan A has finally worked and started acknowledging my existence and giving me the space to prove my worthiness to win her heart.. she just decided to stop pursuing this relation for some unreasonable reasons at least to me.. unfortunately, my baggage that i have unpacked by the beginning of the year has left me some sore lessons that i am afraid to repeat.. which may tend to totally not pushing this further, as as a part of my vow to myself that i can’t push someone to love me, if they don’t necessarily feel the same way.. beside giving the space needed and respect the decisions made.. not to mention that in a month she already backed off 3 times every at least every Friday and i kept assuring her that i am totally comfortable with my moves, and it feels super natural to me.. but the repeated pattern was alarming..

I am trying even to avoid repeating the same patterns from the past, but really being confused about is it too early for the denial phase to start or not.. but i know that i will be accepting the fact that she was there, definitely i cannot erase her and pretend that she did not happen, cause hell it happened and it felt good.. but i also should feel happy that it happened, not that it ended.. but i didn’t even get enough of joy to deserve this mishaps, or at least that recent.. i also know that if it was not meant to be, it will never be, and that God has made the best for you, i happen to know that if you want something so bad, you fight for it.. and if you respect yourself enough, you have to learn to let go.. i also know that sometimes falls apart so that they can fall together.. i know that big wins always comes after chaos.. and that people you love will eventually hurt you soon or later, and that you will have to forgive them.. also that to love is to give your willingly and accept the fact that you will be vulnerable in every single way, that the person you trust giving your heart will eventually hurt you.. and that feelings are better spend and shared to multiply, and that burden can be lighter when someone chooses to carry it with you.. see i know a lot of stuff!

In a nutshell, i know a lot of stuff that are good are based on experiences of a lot of great people, and it’s quite nice and touching.. but it’s not helping me to decide what i should be feeling, or how i expect myself to reach.. instead i am becoming more of a confused self and sort of i feel or see the same previous pattern of rejected love is approaching, and i know one thing for sure.. i just don’t want to be there again.. it was never a nice period!

May God bless our souls.. some clarity please

Till next time..