Not so long before I finally have to say what I have to say, cause I’ve just been silent for so long.. I always wonder if people may think that I don’t really have something to say.. but no, this is not true; I always have something to say, sometimes even a lot more than my capacity of talking can take.. but it’s just my nature that I am used not to talk, instead, I have all the conversations running through my head.. sometimes even, I am not that good at expressing myself.. but this does not mean that I have no opinion.. I do, but my nature is just like that, only few get it..
In 12 days my following story will complete it’s first year since it started.. I was rushing in to travel to Bern to attend that business conference, the travel that i fought to attend, and got all my papers sorted only few days before travelling.. to meet someone, who started somehow as a complete stranger in the tram, whom i asked for some assistance to make sure that I am on the right way.. and he was suspiciously helpful at the beginning, and started some conversation that I was not even sure that I am invited to.. but anyhow, few minutes later he turned out one of the colleagues in the business, whom I knew I will be seeing more often in the upcoming few days.. he introduced himself to me, and handed me his business card to me, i really didn’t know what to do with it.. cause I was just too tired to pay attention even to what was written on the business card.. but anyhow, my fears somehow settled when I called our account manager, who was making sure that I am on the way, and assured me that he know the guy by name.. that was somehow assuring that maybe I don’t need have this unnecessary cautious..
He nicely accompanied me to the hotel, offered me some assistance at the check-in counter by the hotel.. I don’t remember much of what we said on the way, cause all what I was thinking of was to check-in, have a good shower and try to wake myself up, to get ready for the afternoon event that will start in something like 30 minutes..
30 minutes later we met by the lobby, and walked together among others to the small gathering venue, which was 5 minutes away from where the hotel was.. i met him and started somehow to get a glimpse of what he originally looked like, he smiles a lot as much as he talks, and he’s able to keep a conversation about any topic easily, that you don’t even have to feel worried about keeping the conversation going, to be honest.. he seemed too much down to earth and easy to talk to.. not sophisticated, and I didn’t feel the urge to contribute with much of talking, except to laugh at his totally off the topic topics, which was funny to laugh at.. well, conversations with him seemed to be effortlessly going, as they didn’t relate to work.. and was more related to his perspective and how things around him seemed like.. was somehow sarcastic, and it related sometimes to my point of view of the same things, with the difference that I always said to myself, whilst he just shared it out loud..
I was not sure and I didn’t plan anything to happen with him, but somehow he was interesting and amusing to hang out with on different occasions, as this was my first meeting with all these roaming gurus, where most of them tend to talk about typical cliches “how was your flight? first time here in Bern? which operator you came from? what do you do there? blah blah blah” these kind of questions that you have to answer all the time to many of people, and that always has to be accompanied between nodding, and business smiles, and a fake facial expression of interest that’s merely there, while my head was mainly entangled in executing my plans of seeing more of Switzerland, and seeing Geneva later before taking my flight back to Baku through Frankfurt.. first day was too short, as he gently gave me some space to network with people, and I didn’t find much of interest to stay for too long.. rather it was more of nice gesture to confirm my gratitude on behalf of my company, to be present.. i excused later and continued walking through the city, as exploring seemed to be of much more interest than the business gathering, where I found myself somehow alienated to be part of.. at least for the first day
Not so long before the next day has started, I wonder how the 24 hours seem to be like 12 hours when you’re far from home, and at some amazing place like Bern.. I am on my first business travel as a young lady, first time away from home and I am having a lot of calls from my mum “as always” just to make sure that I am still safe, and that I have not been kidnapped yet.. second day started with some presentations, which I don’t really remember what was it all about, cause most of the time I had the wandering eye of any new visitor encountering a new surrounding, looking at people around me, trying to take a guess where they come from, and if i emailed them one day.. how am i going to interact and inter work on the next first break from the conference, and what usually people say/not say.. i am new to this kind of meetings, and I need to rock and be at my best.. I have no idea how it’s going to be, social networking never seemed to be a problem to me, cause I am the social butterfly of gatherings, and queen of networking, but this new setting is challenging, and I need to learn a bit more on what others do, so I will probably watch and learn, and try to mingle within groups, and start relate first, then I may start talking when it’s my turn to..
First break.. I am going for my favorite cup of tea, and here we go, that guy I met yesterday on the tram, this is the one I am most familiar with in the past 24 hours, next to our account manager, but he seems to be the one available in sight for now.. i started with a regular “hi” and that’s all what I had to do, then some conversations started effortlessly as before, touching basis on some of topics and that was an easy and nice conversation which seemed to be enough for the short break, that was certainly entertaining, he looked more interesting than the rest of the group, maybe it was the topics he talked about that was different, i didn’t know and I didn’t care.. i just wanted to enjoy my time with less boring people and i was trying to avoid ending up with either boring or people from my country.. cause what’s the point of travelling, if you keep encountering the same people!
Later that day, the evening event was to go to some old palace on a cruise through Bern lake on the back of an amazing yacht.. seeing all these amazing green mountain views with a bunch of people I know few of them, only him and people from the region and our competitor.. it was a little bit chilling for a light jacket, but it was nice.. some casual conversations with people who introduced themselves to me from the hosting company, next to some colleagues.. and then he was there standing by yacht deck drinking some beer, and he looked somehow shivering from cold, but he was pretending to be ok and sober.. some casual conversation, which I absolutely don’t remember what it was about, but I remember it was light, nice and funny at some points..
We arrived to the palace where the dinner was supposed to be held.. i went off the yacht and started jumping and bouncing around like a child, taking some pictures, and asked some colleague to take some pictures of me.. i was thrilled by the whole new experience of travelling on my own for the very first time, and being in such a nice country.. i felt blessed and content that i envied myself for where I am, i wished my best friend Aysel was with me, at least to share with her all this side talks, and funny comments.. she gets my eyes contact, and knows precisely what I need to say, god knows how much I love her..
The dinner went fine, I gathered with people from the region.. and there was some nice gypsy lady signing, and the dinner was full of talks that i really had no brain for, again I did not have enough sleeping from the previous night since I arrived, and it was all piling up, all was reflected by the time we had dinner and approaching the end, i was already dead looking like a zombie, that I ended up leaning on the shoulder of one of my colleagues from the region.. it was not long before the night was announced to be over, and buses are ready to move and pickup people who wish to move back to the hotel.. i took a nap in the bus, and on my way down i realized him just on the left asking me if i were tired, and i was just like “i am dying to sleep, but i have to call my mum!!” and then that was too much for such a day..
Next day I was so excited, as I only have to attend the first part of the event, then I have my excuse for not attending the night event, as I was to stay in Geneva for nearly 2 days before taking my flight back home.. another tea break, at least for me :)) then I met up with that Egyptian guy, who works in Qatar.. and that I enjoy talking with, and I considered as a good colleague of mine, at least this is how it started.. some talks, and then he asked me that he can offer me some tips while I am in Geneva, that he visited only once!! and asked for my BBM, and more contacts of me, since I was in hurry to get my business card.. he also had my company address, as he promised to send some music later.. i told him that I don’t use my BBM while roaming etc.. but shortly after we got in, i couldn’t risk losing his BBM for some stupid error, so I turned my data on and sent him my first message “boo” amid the session running.. just to test the water, and making sure that messages are being delivered successfully, and he replied and had some pointless fun on the BBM during the session..
Then it was the lunch time, the end of my short trip was already approaching, and i should check out just shortly.. i remember him trying to secure a place next to me on that lunch, but unfortunately i had to turn him down, as the place was already occupied.. i was in the middle of some talks during the lunch, not really paying much of attention to what’s been said, more was having some sneaking some looks at him, seeing what he’s doing, and our eyes met more than once, as he seemed to be doing the same as well.. at that point, i think that there might be something coming out of this, yet i was not sure about it.. as I thought at the time that he’s married and even have kids.. he looks so old to be single!! maybe he’s just being nice and that’s it!!
Lunch didn’t take that long, somehow we gestured that it’s time for me to excuse, and he instantly stood up and maneuvered around the table to meet me by the beginning of the table asking wishing me a safe trip, and not to hesitate to contact him in case i needed help, and he stressed with both his hands telling me that this is not the end, and that we shall meet again.. as i told him at some point that I have a planned training in Dubai by end of November of the same year 2012..
Then it was Geneva time, a couple of days that I’ve spent on my own doing my thing, shopping and going around seeing the place, taking some pictures of what I am seeing.. the days passed by quickly that it was time to go back home finally, i miss home so much and i need to get to my bed soon after my little adventure.. Aytan on her first adventure as a young business woman, exploring Switzerland, I am so looking forward to go back home and tell Aysel all what I’ve been through this small exploration journey..
Back to Baku with some nice memories and pictures, finally turned my BBM on, and I am online again back to my social world.. god I enjoy so much being social and talking to everyone, being nice to everyone.. loving everyone and being loved back.. i am so powerful at this moment, i feel so much open to the world.. and after my last heartbreak I’ve been through.. my last relation was not really that nice that i want to forget, i guess I am on the way to remedy myself.. i am gaining much more confidence than ever.. and yeap.. Aytan is back on track to kick life right in the ass.. i am fearless, and I can.. I do.. and I will.. whatever is coming ahead, I am so ready.. “Hello World!! I will embrace you right away!!”
Somehow I started talking with that new guy i met over in Bern on BBM, I don’t remember who actually started the talking after i was back, but we started anyways to talk from some point, as any new relation starts.. you just find something interesting in a person, you pursue it and keep going as long as mutual interest is there.. we talked a lot relatively to a beginning, it was for sure both us trying to explore and ask a lot of questions about families, hobbies, status that was finally confirmed to be single and clear my worries at the time, that i am clear to proceed.. we were somehow moving at a fast pace, a magnetic force was pulling us together that we didn’t seem to be bothered with that much of talks over BBM and asking that many questions and details.. i was content with it, excited with the unknown and have no idea where i am heading, but i was enjoying for the moment the interest, that i can still be successful again after my last breakup.. it seems that we unconsciously start new relations when we want to get ourselves from the previous ones.. but i guess there’s nothing odd about that, seems like everybody’s trait, to forget a relation with a new relation.. though we always try to pay attention not to make the same mistakes we committed in the past relation, but we can never help it committing new mistakes that we regret later.. but i guess this part of the learning, i should not really sabotage myself so much for that.. should i?!
My past relation was not the happiest, it started good as any other relation.. but the guy was not really that nice to me, that he left me heartbroken and never cared to apologize.. it was also my mistake that i pulled off my guards too soon, i fell fast, and admitted being in love too early.. i was taken advantage of, taken for granted.. made me feel vulnerable, and gave a hell of regret for all what I gave.. i looked so stupid in front of myself.. but I am learning, and I much stronger that I thought I’d be.. this time, i will be very cautious on every step i will take, and will try to avoid my past mistakes at all costs
From BBM to Facebook and hell a lot of liking to some 30+ pictures, hey you.. thanks i am flattered and everything, it’s nice but please slow the pace.. we had a lot of daily chats over BBM, and again it was not long before he told me that he liked me.. and so I did tell that i like him back.. i was not sure what did he mean by liking.. but i certainly wasn’t ready to repeat the same old mistake and start saying things and look like a fool later.. i told him i like him back, and it was partly true, partly out of courtesy.. the guy was also nice to be honest, but i don’t have trust yet in him, they all look nice at the beginning, then at some point the shit starts coming out of them, and my fresh wound has not been healed yet, i have to be cautious and move slowly..
Skype and video chats followed as a normal part of the relation progressing towards the uncertainty, at least from my side.. I was enjoying being cared for, and having someone again in my life, it felt so fulfilling and it put me back on someone’s pedestal.. it’s like proving to yourself that you’re still attractive and nice, and still able to succeed once again.. it was part of regaining my self confidence, and to carefully trust again the world, that I thought at once that it comes in black and white only.. wow, it was so reviving to smell the different of colors of the world once again..
I was so curious to unveil his plans, and I kept pushing day after another to know what he got for me, cause he always told he had plans.. i was always trying to secure my heart from being wounded again, taking all the precautions, and applying all the learning from the recent heartbreaking experience.. he confirmed that he likes me as a man liking a lady.. i knew that but i wanted affirmation, and when i pushed him further, he told me that he had plans for marriage and stuff and big plans that I had no idea how to digest, or understand at the moment.. I certainly didn’t see that coming, and that was sort of fast for a relation that’s only 1 month old.. i remember he even telling that he loves me.. and I didn’t know what i was feeling at the moment, i was not sure, and for sure I didn’t want to commit to something that big.. I knew only one thing, and that was enough for me.. that my heart beats faster when he tells me that he loves me, and that i am happy being with him over the virtual space in general.. and that was satisfying to me for this phase!
Sometimes has elapsed already, and we put up some plans together to meet in Dubai, and daydreamed about the following trip to Europe, and I even dreamed about drinking hot chocolate in an ice freezing weather next to skiing in some place in France he said he knows.. soon the plan has changed to Turkey, replacing the training that i was supposed to have in Dubai, as it was canceled.. we got the hotels booked and i got my flight reserved, and we were having mostly good time of daily chat over Skype.. which became sort of our daily routine to follow everyday, it went daily talking about anything and everything.. few times we had fights over some stupid things, but it seemed that we are handling it very well.. he was keen to make me happy, and not to be angry at me to get to his point of conflict, and clear it instantly.. it was relieving to a great extent to have this understanding.. yet in the back of my head, i wanted to know more on the possible bigger conflicts, and how they might be handled.. i was not totally convinced with things going so smooth, i was somehow looking for the trick behind.. not that he was bad, but because normally from experience, this is how people mostly are.. they have some not nice side.. even me.. i think by getting closer to Turkey trip date the relation was going stale, not much new to do or say, and pretty much the routine was taking over..
At this point, i was not exactly sure if this is where I want to be, i tried somehow to refrain from our regular Skype video chats, i felt somehow that things were moving way too fast, and i don’t want this type of commitment at that time.. also when i looked at the relation even if he has a good potential of being a good suitor, i was not sure about the timing.. the pace we were moving at was too fast, it also looked so challenging to me.. a lot of questions have surfaced at that time, different countries, and my family, my brother, the language, the communication, him staying at some country where women are in full cover, his sisters being veiled, different cultures.. will he force me to be veiled as well? will i be able to swim and wear what i like or what? no no, it was already a lot of challenges ahead of me, and despite that it was nice till it lasted, it looks like the weight of cons is way heavier than the pros, and ideally a relation like this cannot pursued by any means..
So I decided that I don’t need to pursue this relation any further, and somehow i should come with a nice and gradual exit.. mum was not far from coming back with her plans to marry as well, she’s worried as always and wants to see me married asap.. and it was again the same nominee for her friend’s son, that i know since we were kids but not sure really if i can take him as a hubby or not.. but anyways, it was a good excuse to get out of this, and confronting him with the rest of the challenges in his face.. family, different nationalities, and mum being stubborn about her recommendations.. and this should be a good exit from what I’ve got myself into.. i guess this is how I would have ended up anyways.. marrying a local, it’s much more convenient with the same background, and coming from a family that I know is way better than risking a lot of unknown variables in this relation where I am in.. plus, i don’t have to fall for him right away.. i may take my time till i start liking him in a while i think.. i will get used to him, let’s see anyways how it will turn out to be..
My newly introduced plan to him was well received, with a little bit of resistance to no resistance mentioned.. i wondered how he took things too well, but i guess i was mistaken for that, he was not willing to give up on me so easily.. and to be honest, getting myself out of the relation seemed easier in theory, but harder in practice.. our talks remained with the same frequency at least for a couple of months, sometimes it was nice, some other times between cold and normal.. we were both trying to pretend to take things well, and appreciating the new circumstances we were put in, some fights were still there, but someone has always compromised and decided to put an end to this conflict.. I don’t know why this happened, but it says that both of us were weak to move forward on our own, and we both cared for each other happiness, we both had a lot of good memories and true feelings that we shared.. maybe that was the best part of all times.. the sincere feelings we both had, and how amazingly we supported and lift each other when the other fell down..
He never ceased to surprise me from time to another with his little mindful gifts, most of his gifts were simple and well picked, and written.. and that was next to one side calls he made to me from time to another, that i would never return.. i am just trying to get myself out of this, and he’s still not getting it.. i liked his gifts, calls and above all his care and attention.. all were received and appreciated, but I couldn’t return it back with something slightly similar, cause I don’t want things to continue this way.. I am trying to end this, and he’s not helping by what he’s doing.. I just have to put an end to this, but I don’t know how.. well, i hope by time he would be less attached to me..
I was shocked on that day when text me in early cold February telling me that he’s in Baku!! i was like WTF!! you can’t be doing this to me, I am not prepared and i don’t like surprises.. yet again this kind of visit can not go ignored, and I am sure he has some big plans for me in the city that can only go on my dead body.. it’s me again being stuck between being nice and doing the right thing, it’s one of these options where I am given the options to throw myself in fire or drown.. neither are nice, yet I don’t have many options.. ok, I will meet with him for whatever few hours, and will just excuse with whatever reason and skip this outing from hell, then for the rest of the week, there might be another one like the first one only, yeah not the best, but I have to do what I have to do..
I met up with him at the mall near to work on Saturday 2nd of February and Segafredo at my regular place where I am used to.. i was trying to put up the serious face, mixed with the cold and not welcoming and uncaring attitude.. cause he needs to get this not nice message, that we are not in the same page, and these things needs to end.. he needs to get that things are not going as per his plans, and that I have my plans that needs to be respected too.. he cannot just barge in like this out of the blue, and force things to go his way.. i have my private life too that needs to be respected.. as always he came filled with more of well picked gifts.. a cologne “J’adore”, flowers, nice Belgian chocolate, and the necklace he told me that he had planned to hand it to me on Turkey trip.. ouch!! this brings a lot of heartache to me!! :’(
I opened up the gifts when i was back home, as I had to keep that face for the cold 3 hours meeting we had at the mall, and I thanked him later and told him that was unnecessary, and that he’s just bringing more ache to me by buying me this stuff, but he never listens, he’s so stubborn and do whatever he wants.. and simply i don’t this way of being bossed around, and being forced to do what i don’t want to do.. he was so hurt that he decided to leave to Turkey since he does not feel welcomed.. he had some other plans to meet my brother, and to take up his chances that i promised him to take when i first told him that i need to make a detour in my life and go for another person.. i never commented his leave, and starting this time i have stopped commenting anything further, and was trying to avoid any confrontations at all costs.. cause I just hate confrontations, and I don’t think i will be ready to answer all his flying question marks over many things.. this where silence would serve as my most suitable answer to most of questions that live throws at me..
Starting this trip it was a paradigm shift in our relation, i realized the damage i may have unintentionally caused to him, because of my wreck less way in making him more interested and giving him continuously the false hope that things may get back to normal at some point, and that my marriage plans may change.. but i decided to save him before myself by avoiding being proactive, and killing all the hopes as soon as they occur.. just maintaining the nice reactive friend with conservative conversations from time to another and as necessary.. i need no commitments and i want to feel no guilt for whatever comes thereafter.. so our chats started to take a new turn of being colder than before, no more djetkaa and any cuddling wording.. i became more attentive to what i say and do.. and that was not well received by him, that he resented from time to another.. relation went stale at this point, when i have stopped clear communication from my end, and any nice cuddling words or showing a clear interest in knowing what’s going on in his life..
I managed to kill each and every blossoming opportunity of him trying to make up things for me, as much as i was hurt to treat him this way, as much as i wanted to shout and tell him to save his efforts that this is not going to work out, and please save the best for someone else.. please forget about me, and I am not yours and will never be.. but he always has this restless power to try over and over, that i had to remind him every now to bring my marriage plans within our talks intentionally, just to remind him that i am on a different track.. and that you should wake up as well, and stop chasing me..
The only thing that worked through all this downs of our relation was the songs shared over the facebook, that was my only way to communicate with him, he knew it and I knew it.. but we never talked about it.. i never wanted to commit to anything in it.. by liking, but that was the only thing that was good when it lasted.. now i ruined this even from overusing and not taking any actions.. he just stopped reacting to these kind of things.. and this relation seems to be dying, well it has all the syndromes to kill any relation.. no clear communication, no syncing, and two parties on different pages..
I remember that i decided many times before to tell him bluntly on what’s all about, and to come straight and put an end to both our sufferings.. but i don’t remember taking any actions.. cause every time i wanted to clear things out, he’d strike me with his fast blunt moves.. and I would end up being stubborn as a way of rejecting his way of leading things the way he wants.. sometimes i am not even sure if i was the one who ruined everything just because of my stubbornness of not being forced to follow his lead?! or was it really meant to be this way?! i am not even sure if the road i am taking should ultimately take me where happiness is supposed to be? or am i wasting probably my lifetime opportunity for fulfilling even my fairy tales about my future life with a partner?! Did i miss the whole while i was looking for the details?! did i lose the moon while counting the stars? what do i really want? what was really missing from this relation? loyalty? honesty? love? someone to travel only to see me? someone who’s keen about my happiness more than i do? someone to lift me when I am down? someone who’s there for me on my worst worst and still loves me unconditionally? someone who has been keeping me all this time wishing things to turn around for his sake? someone who hasn’t been bad but to tell me that i was going in the wrong way? was i taking revenge of the past relation through?! what kind of assurance did i want more?! sometimes i fear regretting later all this.. when i wake up later and find that it was my stubbornness and selfishness that lead to all this.. i better not regret this later, cause i don’t have stomach for this pain..
All what I know, is that I am not sure.. and I am not even close from being sure.. i am reaping what i sowed.. I am lost!!
Till next time